The issue I'm having is confusing thoughts about an old situationship I'll begin with some background. let's call the guys name John, John and I met through mutual friends and from when I first met him I found him very attractive, we had gone to a party and gotten drunk and made out and cuddled then spent the night together (nothing more happened) after this we talked for a while and I told him I liked him and he told me he does like me but he's not wanting a relationship rn. After that I took this as him letting me down softly and decided to continue as friends. His friends and mine would hang out and during one of these hang out his friends and I were being flirty and I thought maybe I might like him but wasn't sure during that night while our whole group was hanging out John got very drunk and then ignored me from then for a week. Not realising what I did to upset him I distanced myself from the whole group and eventually ended up talking to a new boy (we'll call him Ben) Ben and I started talking very seriously and then began dating shortly afterwards I found out that John had told my friend he really liked me and the night he found out I might have liked his friend he got drunk and gave himself alcohol poisoning Because he was so upset at the thought of me potentially liking his friend (nothing happened with this friend of John's, we hung out and later in the night when John got drunk I realised I only cared about John) finding out the news that john felt so strongly towards me was a shock because I thought he didn't like me so to find out he had a lot of feelings for me after I started a new relationship was a lot to deal with and I was very confused on who my feelings actually stood with but ended up continuing to date Ben and we have now been together for 3 years Ben treats me so well and we are happier than I could imagine and I do truly think we could get married some day but with that. Recently in the past couple months after seeing some old photos of John and I and also seeing him viewing my social media I've realised I still have a what if in my head with John I know it's been such a long time but because there was no closure and we never got to give anything between us a real shot some of the feelings I have for him and thoughts of what if we could have been something are back I'm not sure if they are just what ifs because I'm anxious in my current relationship with Ben (nothing is wrong but I do have relationship anxiety so I get scared he's going to leave and scared of being hurt so I often think or try to push him away so I don't get hurt) but I'm not sure if that is what is happening and im just having relationship anxiety with Ben since our relationship is only getting stronger and more serious and maybe I'm scared and just trying to self sabotage, or if I'm genuinely wanting to try things with John again. I just want someone's opinion on if I should go on a break with Ben and see if there is still something there with John but the thought of losing Ben crushes me and I cry at just the thought but at the same time I still have John in the back of my mind not knowing if we had something there that's worth exploring or not. I don't wanna throw things away with Ben for John if nothing comes from it but at the same time I feel like I want closure atleast from John the issue is that say I try with John and it doesn't work nothing is wrong with Ben and I so i know I would want him back so the mixture of all that makes me think I'm just trying to self sabotage with Ben for something that would probably go nowhere with John. Or if my gut is trying to tell me to give things a go with John.
Idk I hope all of this makes some sense and if anyone has any thoughts or insight I would really appreciate it.