I will try to be as brief as I can, but I fear this will be a long post as the situation I am in feels complicated and has been going on for a while.
After studying in another city for three years and getting a bachelor's degree I am back home with my parents and younger brother until I have secured a job. This was always the plan, and has not really been an issue within the family, but is still relevant for the story. For some background my mother is a SAHM (stay at home mom) and she makes sure every thing functions within the family household while my father (60M) works. My younger brother just finished high school and is currently working to support his dream of becoming a professional athlete within his sport. I have always been very close to my mother and younger brother, while my father has always been emotionally distant and is always exhausted from work as he has various illnesses which impacts him a lot.
From my studies I am currently dealing with burnout, as I spent my third year solely focused on school to achieve top grades, especially on my bachelor thesis, which was very important for me and I am very proud of. During my second year of studies I became aware that I might have ADHD, which I today am 95% certain I have as my older brother (33M) recently got the diagnosis, and we have always believed my mother's father had it also. I also have three close friends with the diagnosis, and they also believe I have it. I have not yet been diagnosed, as it is quite difficult to get a diagnosis through the public health system, however it does explain many of the things I have struggled with throughout my childhood and adult life. I struggle with my memory, which have just been worsened by my burnout, so I struggle with remembering things, which is an issue.
In our household my mother does most things since my father has enough with work and his health, however when I am home I always try my best to do what I can as I don't like how much is put on her. I have talked to my brother about this before, and previously he has been relatively helpful. However after I moved home I noticed how little he does, and the toll it is taking on our mother, and tried to talk to him about it in passing. Every time he kind of brushed it off and blamed it on him needing to relax from his sport and that he is not as "good" as me to see what needs to be done. I also learned later he has perceived this as me nagging, which I apologised for as I never meant to for it to be taken as that.
Then my parents went on holiday to our cabin and my younger brother was supposed to stay at home with me for a week, until my father's father had a severe stroke. This has naturally impacted my parents and me, while my younger brother has distanced himself from it, which is his way of coping I guess, he is of course allowed to deal with it his way. However in all of this he goes on as before, and only focuses on his sport, not seeing that my parent are exhausted from the situation and need extra supports. This does not sit right with me, but I let it go to keep the peace as that is what my parent needed. My parents have to leave again as they abruptly left their stuff at our cabin.
This is when my brother and I have a huge fight, I don't think we have ever fought like that before. Everything I have felt since I came home comes out and looking back at it now I am not very proud of how I handled it. I believe that due to my burnout and taking care of my parents I was on edge and the whole situation felt very uncontrollable. During our fight I said how little he did and asked him why it was so difficult to just tidy up after himself, and he basically said that our parents aren't home so I can't tell him what to do. I also explained to him that I am exhausted and he basically said that was my own fault, which hurt me a lot. We have always been very close, and I have always viewed him as very caring and emphatetic, and when he said that it shook me to the core. I was crying so much when I called my parents, which were furious when I explained what had happened and what he had said. I am aware that he probably viewed our fight very differently than me of course.
After that I avoided him until our parent came home, until my mom, him and I sat down and talked. She gave me time to emotionally and mentally prepare for the talk, which I said I needed. We have throughout this left my dad out of it deliberately so he does not exhaust himself more. We had in my opinion a good talk and when my mother and I explained things to him, however he became very defensive and took in my opinion very little accountability. One of the things I said to him was that I did not feel as if he treated me like he loved me, and that I felt that he thought he could treat me however just because he is my brother. I said that was not the case, and this is a personal boundary I am setting. In general he said he would work on it, but that it would take time, which we said was fine and that we were appreciative of. The day after he apologised, and I told him I appreciated it, but that this would take time for me and that I needed to also se a change in behaviour.
After this he became a bit nicer to me, until he again brought up that is was my own fault that I am burnt out. My mom saw on my face that something was wrong and I explained to her what he had said and how hurt I was by it. This resulted in an impromptu talk, where I was not able to emotionally prepare for, which resulted in me crying a lot. In my opinion the talk did not go well, and my brother basically said he is not responsible for or bothered by me being hurt by what he said. I said how much this hurt me and that I would never have said that to him if he became exhausted from his sport or got in an accident, which has happened on various occasions. I said that if this was what he really felt then it would really impact out relationship and result in a large gap between us.
I removed myself from the conversation, however afterward my mom wanted to talk more, even though I said I was not in a place to do so. She ignored this and continued and it ended with us having a huge fight also, where she said a lot of hurtful stuff to me. I probably did the same to her unfortunately. What hurt me the most was that she basically demanded I put this behind me, that it was not a big enough deal to ruin my relationship with my brother and that she and I would have a big issue if I did not do so. I know I should have stopped it at the start as we both are exhausted after my grandfather's stroke, but I was not in a place to do so. I eventually left, and isolated in my room the rest of the day.
I feel it is important to state that I try to avoid fights like these as much as I can because when fights like these happen I am totally exhausted for a couple of days. I cry my eyes out and they get so puffy it's painful, I get headaches, and often question my sanity, I don't know what to believe or feel. It makes me feel awful and worthless, and that I am a big issue for bringing up what bothers me. I get so depressed that I almost get suicidal (without seriously wanting to end my life), I don't want to live with a family that makes me feel like this, I become meek and get so much anxiety that I sometimes hurt myself by hitting things or poke myself to cope. Throughout my upbringing I have always dealt with big emotions and now I am starting to believe it relates to my ADHD, as I struggle with regulating them. Being away and studying I have become more robust and I feel like I now know what is acceptable behaviour from people that care about me, and how I deserve to be treated. I have fought hard to become the person I am today, and I would like to believe that I am a reasonable and fair person. The whole situation had made me feel like I am regressing and I am questioning my worth again. Throughout the summer I have tried my best to recover from my burnout by doing all the right things and relaxing, but after this I am right back to where I started.
After out fight, my mom tried to make amends fairly quickly, however I was not in a place where I could even talk to her. To avoid any more fights I wrote everything I felt down on paper, so that I could sort through my feelings and gave it to my mom to read, as I did not want to escalate the situation. She read in and told me all was forgiven, and we continued as before. My brother and I are barely speaking to each other now, and yesterday my mom asked us again to go back to the way things were before. I told her that would be difficult for me, and she is now very sad and not talking or behaving towards me like before. I know she is very hurt by this, especially as there has been issues between me and my older brother (which everyone knows is his fault without going into further detail), she just wants me and my younger brother to go back to how we were before. However, I don't know if I can do that, I feel betrayed and hurt, and he has done little to amend the situation. I will admit I have not done a lot either, but I am the one who is hurt here, when asked he told us I had done nothing to hurt him. What would you do in this situation? I don't want to hurt or stress my mother more, but I feel like I am betraying myself if I say I forgive him when I am so far from it. How do I navigate this?
TLDR; mom wants me to forgive my brother and forget he hurt me.
2 comments
Your brother isn‘t as emotionally involved as you are. I also have a younger brother that is very stubborn and self focused. Eventually I had to stop trying to parent him instead of our parents. Between siblings there is a lifelong strong bond. He is not a friend who behaved bad and now you can live partways. Eventually he will mature and until then don‘t try to initiate fights and focus on yourself. I also get angry when my brother could help but refuses to but I and you have to learn that there is more to it than unfairness. You are adult now (although he behaves like a child) and you have to find a way to peacefully live together. Try to politely ask for help and don‘t judge him if he doesn‘t. It is hard, especially when anger rises up because he refuses but this is the only way to not constantly fight and making things even worse.
Well there’s a lot to unpack here, and thanks for being detailed as it helps make things easier to understand. You ask at the end how to navigate this and my advice has a few parts to it.
One, if you can access a professional to talk to I would highly recommend it. You’ve got a lot on your plate and being able to share the load with someone who isn’t in your immediate family can certainly help. Your school will likely have resources you can access for free, so there would be a great start.
Next I have a few insights that I can share. I will say that this is just based off what you said so obviously it has some limitations. I hear your brother saying that he can’t handle more. His not accepting your being hurt, him rejecting your attempts to clean up or contribute more, him shutting down. Your brother is communicating he can’t handle more, I just don’t think that’s being picked up on. If you have as close a relationship as you say, then I believe he cares. I think he does know he hurt you. I just don’t think he has the emotional capacity to take that on at the moment. You both are saying something similar and are both not hearing each other. I maybe wrong as I’m not there or know either of you, but I am detecting a consistent message. Maybe approaching this with the idea that he’s struggling too will give you common ground, which may let you find some space to work through this.
As for your mother pressuring you to forgive him. I think setting up a boundary and saying this is something I need time and space with is important. You’re 25, not 15, you get to decide what you’re ready to do. If you need time then take it. One thing I notice in your story is how much pressure you are under. Telling her blatantly how you experience her coming to you with this again and again might help her understand it from your side and help depressurize things.
One thing you mentioned that stood out to me is that you avoid conflict or emotionally difficult conversations because they tend to blow up. That’s a sign that there are some tools missing when it comes to dealing with emotions and each other. That’s not an insult or a criticism by the way, we all have to learn this things and from what I gather your family hasn’t been taught. That’s nothing to be ashamed of, but it does present an opportunity to address things so you can have this conversations and get a good result. This is where having some professional support comes in. These types of discussions don’t have to end like they have in the past and you can actually come out stronger as a family because you faced these things.
Overall I see that everyone here cares, even your brother although he may not be able to express it, and that’s a huge win. What it sounds like you need most is for everyone to get some support and some tools in how to handle conflict, emotions, and stress in a healthier way.