I 25f and bf 27m have been officially dating 8 months. We were dating/getting to know each other 6 months prior to that. This is a LDR. The first 6 months of us getting to know each other we were driving out to see one another (2 1/2) hours apart. Long story short he had an ex of 4 years. They broke up a while back but I know they were still in contact/hooking up before him and I met and started “dating”. During the first 6 months we didn’t have a label but we were “only seeing each other” and he made it a big point on wanting to really get to know each other before committing officially.
During this time I asked him 2-3 times if he had contact with ex. He told me no every time. I have a friends whose friends with someone to his ex. She told my friend “I’m pretty sure they were still sleeping together when they (him and I) were dating” I brought this up to my bf and he said “no no I haven’t had sex with her or contact with her. Who do I need to call to prove this to you?” I said no one and that I 100% believe you. I just wanted to make sure bc i VALUE honesty” the last time I asked was like 6 months ago.
Fast forward to yesterday I find in his phone that he indeed was seeing ex at least up until November (we officially started dating in Jan). I found a video she took on his phone of him laying on top of her (he wasn’t aware of this video). I also saw some text messages with friends about going to see see her. Ugh I was heartbroken. Even though we weren’t officially “dating” we were supposedly “only seeing each other”. I called him out on it & I understand his perspective. He explained he wasn’t attracted to her but they had been together for 4 years, she didn’t have anyone (comes from a rough background), was trying to close out the relationship fully & she was aware that once it was “serious” with me she would have to be cut off. He said they didn’t have sex bc it didn’t work. I don’t know if I believe that. I’m just disappointed he lied & he lied for so long. I feel I’m super understanding and would’ve either given him space to figure out what he wanted or still saw him knowing he was still in contact with someone else. Either way that was a decision I should’ve been allowed to make. This whole time I believed him when he said he hadn’t seen her. It’s been a few days and I’m just still really shocked. Would love to hear opinions of others. I can definitely forgive and move forward but I don’t want this to be a huge red flag I’m overlooking or be lied to again.
**Let me add: this man claims he wants to marry me. He sees a future with me & wants me to be his wife. I believe he truly loves me but I wish he would have just been honest. His lying shows me his lack of maturity. I told him he should’ve come clean the moment we were “official”.