For the past 8 years my husband has been working two full time jobs Monday through Friday. I’ve worked one full time job until giving birth to our twins 6 years ago, then I started working a part time job from home and became a stay at home mom to avoid child care expenses. He earns about $59,000 a year after taxes despite working long hours because of the field he’s in. I work in a higher paying field, but he constantly says he wants to be the provider and he wants me home with our kids.
My husband contributes to the household with money from only one of his jobs. His paychecks from that job are direct deposited into our joint account. When I try to have a mature discussion about money and his plans for the money he earns at his other job, he tells me that he’s saving it. I’ve used my paychecks to cover all other housing expenses, since the paychecks he’s contributed only cover the rent. When I ask him what he’s saving the money from his other job for, or try to discuss creating a budget for our joint account, he’s not interested in discussing it and just says, “ok” to get the conversation over with. We live in one of the most expensive housing markets and we’ve been trying to buy a house for the past 6 years. When we finally found a home we could afford and we were preparing to close on the house, he had to ask his friend to loan him $5,000. (He later decided that he didn’t want the house anymore, mostly because our loan officer was not being open and honest about the closing costs, and other shady business practices). I began asking more direct questions about what he’s been doing with the money from his other job, (another woman?, a habit?, lending it out?) to which he just laughed and said, “that’s what you think I’m doing?” He usually avoids answering questions that he believes will lead to an argument.
A few months ago when I tried to ask him for his help once again with budgeting the money in our joint account since the account is running low, he made sarcastic remarks about how I’m not being transparent about what I use the money in the joint account for, even though he can see every transaction on the online banking app. He’s so immature and plays too many mind games. A few weeks ago, he basically admitted that he’s saving money because he’s not sure if I’m going to leave him based on things I’ve said in the past. (He’s shut down and vague with me whenever it’s time to have difficult conversations). I’ve never hinted at, or said that I was going to leave him, although I’ve definitely felt like leaving multiple times due to how he’s acted throughout our marriage. At this point, if I want to create financial security for me and the children, I have to do it myself. He’s shown me time and time again that he’s not interested in working as a team.