A couple of days ago I took my girlfriend out for brunch to a nice restaurant. That day she was in a bad mood. She dreamt of me cheating on her, and she was combative and hard to be around, possibly because of her dream but also her own insecurities. Throughout the morning I tried to lightheartedly communicate several times that her combative attitude was making me uncomfortable.
While at brunch, we talked about her friends, and I mentioned that one of them has always been my favorite. Then my girlfriend told me, in front of all the restaurant, that I “should sleep with her” -harsher words were actually delivered.
At this point I’m quite offended and hurt, but I mention again that she was being combative and I was feeling uncomfortable.
She then went to the restroom. While she’s away, I looked at the people coming in and out of the restaurant, including three girls coming in. Right after those girls passed by, my girlfriend walked towards me -she was not coming from the restroom direction- and was very upset. She accused me to check those girls out and kept being confrontational about it. At that point I lost my patience and told her I needed space.
Later that evening, when we tried to talk, I unfortunately lost my patience and raised my voice at her, telling her that I could not stand her combative and hostile attitude towards me, and that my efforts to provide her with a nice morning and brunch were completely dismissed. I regret raising my voice.
She told me that she could not accept me raising my voice at her.
What could I have done to deescalate this situation, and set my boundaries without disrespecting her?
Also for some background: I was in a relationship from 19 to 26. My ex was violent and mentally ill. She cheated on me several times and then became obsessed I’d cheat on her and would accuse me most days. We broke up because she was hospitalized due to her mental illnesses (BPD and bipolar disorder)
I genuinely really cared for my most recent ex, but there also have been red flags there too. A couple of days prior to the incident in this post, she told me how I “wish I looked like that guy” after a shirtless and very attractive guy passed right after us. I didn’t give it any weight, as I don’t find it offensive if she finds an attractive guy attractive. When we were friends before getting together, she also told me that I was getting old now, and no one would have liked me soon, and I could not waste my opportunity to be with her. That really hurt me.
TL;DR my girlfriend was combative for most of the day and I set boundaries by raising my voice