* TW (abuse) I will attach my story to the bottom of this post.
I posted my story on another subreddit because I’ve been struggling to validate myself and kept questioning whether my husband’s abusive actions warrant me leaving. I received a lot of positive support and a book recommendation that has really shifted my perspective and helped me grasp the reality of our situation. Emotionally, I’m conflicted: part of me feels like I should stay and believe that my husband won’t harm me again (we have children together and he is an amazing father and hides his anger very well), but I’ve also become so repulsed by him that I’m not sure if reconciliation is possible.
I’ve been married since I was 20 (I’m now 38) and never thought about being with anyone else until recently. I’ve started reaching out to my ex from high school/college and confiding in him (he is divorced) and have been exchanging texts and pictures with him. I am conflicted because I know how morally wrong this is for me, but he gives me this sense of validation. Lately I have felt good knowing that this could be considered cheating and would hurt my husband. I feel like I am secretly seeking some kind of revenge that he will never find out about.
I know the answer is counseling. My new job will have insurance that covers counseling, so I absolutely will be doing that very soon. But in the meantime, I feel like I need a place to vent. I am confused on why I feel so ruthless. I don't think I am making the morally correct decision here, but I can't help but feeling so good about knowing that I am doing something hurtful to him. My gut still tells me I need to get back to a healthy emotional connection with my husband because we have built this long life together and I would love to get back to our baseline. The other half of me is completely disgusted by him and would love for him to never touch me again. Does anyone have any advice on this absolute mess I have created?
*I have been married since I was 20 and I am now 38 and a stay at home mom. My husband is the same age as me and was physically abusive to me at the very beginning of the marriage. I chalked it up to our immaturity and alcohol. We went through a long period of good times until I became pregnant with twins. We had a lot of explosive arguments and he would ignore my emotions. I know he was under a lot of stress and still is. But very recently he strangled me during an explosive argument. In the past, I was able to find reason that I was the one causing the issues or at least a huge contributing factor, but I recently confided in a friend who made me start questioning this. I brought these concerns up to my husband and he has shifted the blame back to me saying that I am addicted to arguing and I am unable to regulate my emotions which has caused him to react the way he does. He thinks I bait him into arguing and into doing things to me so I can point the finger at him. I have looked inward at myself and I don't see how he can believe this at all. But I truly believe he thinks this. When I read about abusive men, he doesn’t check the obvious boxes… he does not isolate me, berate me in front of others, etc. He treats me very good until there is a problem and then he tenses up and it starts all over again. I feel that all of our arguments and disagreements end with tearing my character apart and us finding ways that I can change, but we are still dealing with the same issues with him because he does not want to fully admit when he is wrong. The most he will do is say "why don’t you just leave me if I am such a f*** up" when I have never, ever called him those words and never would. I feel like I cannot have an understanding conversation with him where he actually hears that I am coming from a caring place. When he is angry vs when he is not is a 100% change in person and it is so confusing when I actually stop to think about it. He is a hidden alcoholic, so I know that is a contributing factor to his anger and amplifies his stress. The part I am struggling with now is deciding whether this a toxic marriage where we are just stressed and I need to continue working on it to make things better or if I am married to someone who I bring out abusive behavior in. I say "I" because he does not act this way to anyone else besides me.