Hello,
I am just having some issues in my current relationship but I am not sure if they are very minor. This is my first ever serious relationship and I do believe I am in love with this girl, \[24f\] so I want to be sure that I am approaching this in a healthy way. We are approaching our 4th anniversary in a couple months, so I want to be sure that all this time I’ve spent building this relationship has been leading to something healthy and, hopefully, long-standing.
Some background… My girlfriend and I met at university. She was really into me at first but I didn’t think I wanted a relationship with her. Eventually we started dating after I realized I might have feelings for her.
However, we have both since graduated from university. We aren’t long-distance, per se, but the distance sure is inconvenient. We live in different states and it’s about an hour-and-a-half drive. Nothing super terrible by any means, but it does mean the time we spent in person is relatively rare.
When the pandemic first struck, we went for an entire period of more than a year of not seeing each other. From late February 2020 to late May of 2021. There are a lot of reasons for this…. for one, obviously, the pandemic. But for two, my parents are a bit overbearing sometimes, and it took a while to convince them to let me drive to her place (I didnt have a car at the time) and, because of the pandemic, trains were obviously a no-go. Because of work and whatnot, it just never worked out that we could manage a time to actually see each other. I KNOW that sounds quite ridiculous, and it really sucked.
It was really during this time that the problems started. I tried to get my gf and I to do some remote-y type dates, but the plans always fell through due to what I perceived to be lack of interest from her part. I suppose I could have tried harder, but I always personally felt like she just wasn’t interested in them. What really bothered me is that she hardly ever called me up on the phone. Near the start of the pandemic, I would call her up quite often, and she rarely picked up. That didn’t bother me that much- I was calling at random times often without warning. But what bothered me is that she never, not once that I can recall, randomly picked up the phone and called me. I would leave voicemails and send voice messages to her- she would never do this for me.
Now, I should add that she is in law school, so during the school year I can understand why she might be slightly more absent. However, when this first happened she actually hadn’t started her first law school semester yet.
Anyway, this really bummed me out. But I never really wanted to talk to her directly about it because I didn’t want her to start calling and talking to me just because she FELT like she needed to. I did try and broach the subject on one occasion but she acted really defensive about it, at least that is how it seemed to me.
I find my thoughts regarding her fluctuate wildly. Sometimes I feel that I am so much in love with her. The kind of romantic, child-like love where you feel like your head is full of flowers. Other times I find myself deeply annoyed about some of things I explained to you above.
Like, sometimes I just feel neglected, I suppose. One time a couple months ago, we agreed to do a little book club where we would both read the same book and then talk about it. I read the book, and I powered through it because I was so excited to get to talk to her about it. She never finished it. She claimed she didn’t like it, which under normal circumstances is FINE, but the whole point of it was that we would read it together and talk about it. And I never got to do that.
And then, we recently started another book-related couple idea. We both bought each other books, then would read them while taking notes inside the book. I, again, powered through the book she got me, even though I really didn’t like it. I really wanted to finish it so that we could talk about it. It’s been several weeks at this point and she just barely started the book I gave her. I could understand that she would need some time to wrap up her semester, but she’s been on summer break and not working for 3 weeks now and I practically had to beg her to start the book.
Another time, when I went to go visit her, I expressed desire to go roller skating. I dont know why I wanted to go roller skating that bad, it’s just something i havent done in a while and I felt it would be fun. But it was pretty obvious she didnt really want to do it, so we didnt actually end up going, even though I secretly really wanted to.
Between these events and the fact she barely calls me or even tries to initiate any kind of contact beyond texting really just… sometimes it makes me feel like she doesn’t even really \*want\* to talk to me. I do believe she loves me very much, but I am having trouble with the idea of bringing up these problems with her.
And, for one, I am not sure if they are even problems at all? Maybe I am just being insecure? I am sure I do things that annoy her that I don’t realize. I don’t have any friends outside of our shared friend group, and all of them live near her, not me. So sometimes I worry that I am projecting my desire for friends onto her and I’m not being fair.
Bleh. Sorry. I hope I didn’t make my girlfriend sound too much like a terrible person. She is indeed a wonderful person, but I sometimes just can’t help but ignore these things, and it really bothers me sometimes. When we are not together it genuinely does not even feel like I have a girlfriend at all.
Thanks!
tl;dr: girlfriend would rarely call me or try to schedule times to talk when we aren’t in person, and it’s making me feel like I dont even have a girlfriend at all
2 comments
Talk to her and tell her how you’re feeling. Maybe shorten up the above to make it really clear what are the primary issues – lack of attention, feeling she’s disinterested, needing her to work with you (ie go through with book club or discuss why it’s not feasible).
As far as attractive-ness goes I don’t know. Everybody’s ugly sometimes. It sounds like you’re into her anyways, but if that’s a deal breaker then that’s something you execute on.
Good luck, talking through things will help.
Honestly it sounds like you just may not be all that compatible and you are trying to change her instead of accepting who she is. You like phone calls, she prefers texting. She has a busy life and probably needs downtime (she sounds introverted) and you don’t and are expecting her to fill that void. I don’t mean to be rude but from your writing you feel a bit clingy/suffocating and also like you don’t communicate well so how is she supposed to know? She’s not a mind reader. You can’t secretly hope or be afraid to bring things up etc and then seem shocked when things don’t change. You may want to do some personal work through therapy or self help books/resources to learn how to communicate more effectively and then speak to her and see if it improves or if you are not compatible long term. Also, what’s the plan to end the LDR or for you to move out of your parents and become a more independent adult? Maybe she feels the relationship is becoming stagnate and isn’t going to move forward. I’d also look into getting your own interests/hobbies and friend groups.