I've recently come to a tough realization: if my fiancé had been the way he is now when we started dating 10 years ago, we likely wouldn’t have ended up together.
To vent a little, my biggest issue with him is that he’s become incredibly unreliable. If I need something done, I have to follow up multiple times—three or four at least—or it simply won’t happen. It doesn’t matter if it’s a minor task or something important; I can’t trust him to follow through without constant reminders. It’s exhausting and isolating, almost like I’m dating a child rather than an equal partner.
On top of that, he’s extremely sensitive. Our couples counselor always talks about how everyone processes emotions differently, and I get that, but my fiancé takes it to another level. For example, he gets upset if I type “ok” instead of “okay.” While I understand that sensitivity isn’t inherently a bad thing, I grew up in an environment where words weren’t weighed so heavily, so it’s difficult for me to constantly walk on eggshells around him.
Just last night, we had a big argument because I said he uses “curated” language, which he took as an insult. He said I should’ve used “careful” instead, because he thought “curated” had a negative connotation. This level of sensitivity to language is overwhelming for me, especially since I’m someone who grew up in a household where swearing was common and words weren’t always chosen with care. On top of everything, he’s also incredibly defensive. This makes it nearly impossible to have a productive conversation with him, and it’s become such a big issue that even our therapist has struggled to get past it during our sessions.
When we first met, he wasn’t like this, so I’m sure I’ve played a role in how we got here. But at this point, I’m not sure I can handle this dynamic for the rest of my life. Constantly managing his feelings, anxieties, and emotions, especially when I already feel like I’m carrying most of the weight in our relationship, is incredibly draining.
That said, I want to acknowledge that he’s a kind and compassionate person. He’s not controlling, and he genuinely means well. He offers a lot of security and stability for our future, which is really important to me and likely a big reason we’ve stayed together this long.
Here’s the kicker: we’re supposed to get married soon, but in my head, I’ve already got a contingency plan for divorce. My fiancé, understandably, doesn’t like that I’ve even thought about this. I’m a very analytical person, and given that over 50% of marriages end in divorce, I’ve casually mentioned that it’s something I’m not afraid of if it comes down to it. This really bothers him, but I can’t help but wonder if even thinking of the possibility of divorce in the future before even getting married is a red flag in itself.
I’m looking for advice: is this a huge red flag I’m ignoring, or is this just a natural ebb and flow in a long-term relationship? I’d love to hear your thoughts.