I (28F) have been with my partner (33M) for a few years. In a lot of ways, it's a great relationship that has shaped me for the better. He's one of my closest friends, makes me feel safe and anchored, and we have a lot of fun together. He accepts me fully and largely, I feel we complement each other well.
The flipside? We cannot talk about sex. When I broach the subject in any more meaningful way than a passing joke or something superficial, he freezes up and refuses to talk about it. He struggles to talk about what he likes, things to try, or even verbalize his desire for me with some frequency. Our sex is decent, and he's otherwise very affectionate and touchy with me, but not being able to talk about sex makes me feel distant, sexually disconnected from myself and him, and frankly, self-conscious about his attraction toward me and insufficient without knowing what turns him on.
I've shared this with him in various ways, but the impasse remains. While sex matters a lot to me, the bigger concern I have is that if he's having a hard time being open and communicative about this, I dont know if I can trust him to show up for harder moments that require the same communication and teamwork down the line. I do tend to get ahead of myself and worry about the future too much or if we're doing our relationship "right" (dumb, i know), but I am getting older and I feel like I need to think about my relationships more seriously. I don't doubt he loves me very much, and I love him so much too, but I don't know what to do.
Any thoughts or advice welcome. I wonder if there is deeper at play that is blocking him, and maybe I should have more patience. If so, how can I approach him about it? My approach clearly isnt working. Or, are we incompatible and it might be time to move on?
5 comments
If you were incompatible sex would have not been decent at the least. My grandma says when you can’t talk about something write it down. Try some games or couples apps that have games on this topics and questionnaires. Make it less stressful and less important at the beginning until you build the trust and comfort to talk about it freely.
Have you tried to ask why he is so uncomfortable? Maybe he went through something that makes him feel unsafe or insecure with the subject. Maybe ask him for alternative ways of talking about it, such as writing it down or going to couples therapy. It has nothing to do with you.
Is there some obvious reason for his discomfort with talking about sex? Super religious upbringing or an uptight mom that put crazy ideas in his head? If so, that’s his problem, his issue, he should see it as such and get his butt onto a therapist’s couch to figure it out and mitigate it. If you’re going to be sexually exclusive, he’s got to show up in (not perfect but) good working order and being unable to have basic convos about this activity you do together (and presumably only with each other) is critical. Stuff will arise around your sex life in the future. Both your bodies will change. You’ll each be less hot in the future than you are now. Everything will get bigger, hairier, and closer to the ground. If you have kids, your body will change A LOT and some changes will remain. You’ll each have tough times at work or when your parents die, or finances are tough and that will put a zap on his boner and dry you up. Talking through those difficult times is critical so you each don’t take it (as) personally and to reduce the temptation of looking elsewhere for simple gratification with out the complicated backstory from someone else.
If he doesn’t have some obvious issue from his upbringing, he still needs to figure his own shit out and be able to have adult conversations about adult topics.
This is going to sound bizarre, but everything you’ve related is consistent with him being a gay closet case. Putting forward a good effort at servicing you while, in his head, thinking of Brad Pitt (my generation) or Michael B. Jordan (your generation). Does he love cunnilingus, or does he avoid it? Lots of doggie style from which angle you’re more androgenous? The unwillingness to have even the most basic convo about sex and attraction certainly fits for the closet case. They think they can wall it off, and if they do a good enough acting job, no one will know, but the acting job is never perfect.
IME, one has to push and push, because if he has this much reluctance (to discuss something most guys LOVE to do), it’s like trying to nail Jello to a tree. It’s no fun for him, being the Jello; and it’s fricking frustrating trying to wield the hammer and nail down some very important details (if, again, you plan to be sexually exclusive with each other).
Sex involves vulnerability. Try to make things as safe for him as possible. Try to make him feel as accepted and loved as you can. There may be some trauma that he is dealing with or some desire that he feels that he is ashamed of. Hopefully he can open up to you, but whatever it is, please try to be accepting as you can.
Does your partner have trauma around sex? Maybe childhood trauma? A conservative background? A parent that was sex negative instead of sex positive?? Bullying from peers during puberty?
I could go on and on.
It’s up to you if you want to push this boundary while he’s not able or willing to deal with the situation.
My one piece of advice? BE KIND.
You might maybe be able to live with this. That’s up to you.