I’m not really looking for advice, just feel like venting.
We’ve been together for 5 years. I love her dearly and she is fantastic in every possible way, except in the bedroom. We’ve talked about this for hours, have been to therapy, both solo and as a couple. Nothing really helps. She just isn’t sexual. She can go for weeks without having sex, masturbating or ever feeling horny. She never initiates, I haven’t ever felt wanted in this relationship.
We have sex maybe once a month. Sometimes it’s quite nice, sometimes it’s really awkward, like she’s not really present or particularly into it. She likes slow, sensual sex. I can appreciate that, but I also like sex that’s a bit more rough. She dislikes dirty talk and french kissing. She avoids eye contact. We never have spontaneous sex, it has to be planned in advance. She can only have sex in our house, in our bed. She has trouble allowing pleasure in her life in general. She is stuck in her head most of the time.
I have been really patient and caring with her, but after 5 years I’m losing my mind. It’s all so fucking bland and boring. I miss my old sex life. I had some fantastic sex in the past, and I miss it dearly. I feel like I’m wasting my prime years.
We communicate about our feelings on this in an open manner. She knows how I feel. She has explained how much pressure she feels from me when I bring this up again and again, and that causes her to shut down even more. It’s a vicious circle. I really try to be as patient as possible and actively try to recognise what my responsibilities in this dynamic are and actively work on that. I’m far from flawless. But in the end, I can’t help but feel that the problem is on her end, not mine. I have considered she may be on the asexual spectrum. She mostly enjoys sex when she’s having it, but never seeks it out. She has no spontaneous desire, ever. We sometimes have planned sex. It’s okay, but just bland. She’s aware of the problem and wants to fix it, but after 3 years of therapy, there has been very little progress. She still tries to avoid the subject as much as she can.
I really feel miserable sometimes. I masturbate every other day to relieve some pressure. I usually feel sad after masturbating, thinking ‘how sad for this to be the bulk of my sexlife’. I don’t want to leave her. I really don’t see a life without her as a possibility. But I really need to have more sex. That’s the dilemma I’m faced with. We’ve considered opening up our relationship but she is feeling insecure about it. I would love to have my needs met elsewhere. It would relieve a lot of the pressure and resentment she feels. We would still experience all the other wonderful parts of our relationship together.
End rant. Not my most coherent post. Emotional and one sided, probably. Like I said, not really looking for advice. Might delete this soon, just needed to get it out of my system. Feel free to share your own experiences navigating mismatched libido and desire.