Me (M21) and my girlfriend (F20) have been dating for a little over a year and a half. We've had a lot of highs and generally a great, loving relationship. We broke up about 7-8 months into our relationship as I decided to go behind her back and check her phone as I was doubting some things we discussed previously. After a week of conversations, we then got back together.
Fast forward a couple of months, she found a deleted screenshot of a picture of a girl's instagram. From there she asked me about it, I continued to lie and make stories up. After a long time, I eventually told her that I was lusting over the image. From there, she asked me if I was watching porn. Again, I lied about it and after multiple times of her asking for the truth, I finally told her that I was.
After navigating that whole situation, we ended up having a great year. Especially since the turn of 2024, we have both said how great our relationship has been (best it's ever been). She would initiate intimacy as well as bring up conversations regarding engagement.
Now, just a couple weeks ago, she hears new that her brother cheated on his wife. This of course, with other things, has now made her second guess and say that she does not trust me again and that the relationship cannot move forward. She says that I have done nothing to prove to her that I am pure and that I am being honest. She wants to me be pure and prove to her that she can trust me again.
She also believes that there is more to the story and she thinks that I have been dishonest and lustful in other occasions. Even when I tell her that I have not, she demands a confession and I am left there confused as to how to even move forward with the conversation.
I do not know what to do; I am unsure as to how to prove to her that I am being pure and honest without making it seem like I am reporting to her. I am extremely sorry and regretful but I have no clue what to do.
3 comments
> I continued to lie and make stories up.
I didn’t need to get far here, but if this post is true, I don’t think there’s any salvaging this dude. Don’t lie to your woman.
Stressful or upsetting things can share similar emotions to points in the relationship and they can evoke a person to act in a way that functions as a protective mechanism against those feelings. For your girlfriend, her brother cheating likely brought up similar emotions to what happened with you. There can be an avoidance of those feelings, such as fear, and the easiest way to get them to stop as well as rationalize them is to have you affirm them. Meaning, it’s much better to sit with the ‘truth’ from your ‘confession’ rather than it not being true and having to experience those uncomfortable emotions.
At the core of it, she likely does not distrust you because if she did, you probably would have noticed way beforehand. Instead of working through how she is feeling in a healthy way, she is finding ways to project them onto others because it is much easier to put that burden onto someone else. It’s not meant to be malicious or intentional, but it is hurtful to the other person.
I think allowing her to vent to you and being supportive and comforting is important, but it doesn’t mean that you continue to entertain her interrogations of you. She probably wants to feel understood, in that her brother cheating reminded her of your past and how that is upsetting. Acknowledge her in that way, but emphasize how hard you have worked to rebuild her trust.
Time is also healing, so giving her the space she needs can also be helpful for her to process. It’s good to offer her that support and space, but you are also just in setting boundaries for yourself. Because you are a team, she also needs to understand that when difficult things happen, she is deserving of time and space, but she cannot shut out and take things out on the other person.
The problem is that once you’ve lied to someone repeatedly, saying “I’m telling the truth” doesn’t mean much. After all, you said the exact same thing when you were lying.
I think that this may end up being a lesson for your next relationship—if you want to be trusted, you have to be trustworthy