Disclaimers:
Length of our total relationship (friends, exclusive, dating): about a year and a half
Their relationship: two years apparently, they lived together at one point, and had plans on getting married
Her: ‘32 F’
Description:
Staying friends with ex’s. Usually, I’m fine with this. But in this situation, my boyfriend was still getting over her when we were hanging out. At the time, we had no intentions of dating each other. Now I love him to death, and the things he told me in the past bother me.
1. Every description he had of her character made her look like a literal perfect human being
2. He would unintentionally make comparative statements like “she’s not like you, she’s REALLY emotionally intelligent” and so on
3. She told him that when she found out about me, it felt like he was cheating on her even though she broke up with him and moved far away, even after him practically begging for her to come back
4. He didn’t tell me this until recently, and that conversation was over a year ago, which naturally makes me wonder what else he hasn’t told me
5. After about four months of us hanging out, when we started having feelings for each other, he said he was finally over her completely. About 3-4 months later, he said he “realized” he actually wasn’t at that time, and that he was just friends with her in hopes that she would come back, but that it’s not the case anymore (and he treats me better, so I believe him now. I didn’t at the time)
6. While he was still thinking he was over her (before the realization), he had a major reaction when she said she had a new boyfriend, and told me he it made him “realize he liked me much more that he thought”, which felt like he was just using me as a pawn to feel better about his heartbreak just because I was there, which caused me to leave at that time
7. When I was out all night stressing over contacting her the next day, he gets home at 5am, notices I’m still out, and just goes to bed without checking in on me at all. I didn’t realize that was a problem until a long time after, but still. The next day, when I reach out to her and she agrees to talk to me, he says “wow I can’t believe she would do that for me”, when I spent the entire night full of uncontrollable anxiety (which is NOT the norm for me. I haven’t felt that level of anxiety in a very long time. Probably 7 or more years). He also never acknowledged that he was worried, or the amount of effort I was putting into the relationship by doing that. I didn’t realize that night was a problem until way later though, so I never brought it up
I understand that this is a situation most women would never put up with, and that I shouldn’t have put up with it at that time… Fast forward to now, he’s actually over her, no longer friends with her, and he’s trying really hard to be better for me. Our relationship is heading in a positive direction, but the only thing that bothers me is that he believes the only reason he couldn’t be friends with her was because of an insecurity that only I would have.
It makes me feel like he’s calling my insecurity illegitimate, and immature… but after being treated like a second option and experiencing what I went through with him and her, I’d think I’d be pretty stupid to not see the red flags in them maintaining a close friendship. He doesn’t think it’s a big deal, which makes me feel like a toxic person for even suggesting it. Like he seriously can’t see why I would feel this way… and of course I care what my partner thinks, because I want my them to be proud of me. I wouldn’t be proud of someone who was immature for reasons that didn’t make valid sense. I just want to be seen and understood, and the reason I’m still with him is because most of the time he makes me feel that way with everything else. This is the only legitimate problem we have.
TL;DR :
In general, what’s a good structure for handling invalidation when what you’re being invalidated for is a completely rational concern? How can you help your partner understand how you feel without coming across as just insecure for no reason?