I married my wife at 19. I had 0 relationships experience because, I was 19, so this has been basically my entire life. Been together over 20 now, two kids, both tweens now. Even after two kids and over 20 years we have always had serious issues with sex. It’s maddening because this one issue has basically destroyed an otherwise solid relationship. We tried counseling but she cannot even bring herself to acknowledge the issue and shuts down in sessions. Both of us are attractive people and still very much resemble the cheerleader and tight end from 20+ years ago. The lack of sex is either wild incompatibility or severe damage from her growing up in a fundie household where her parents slept in separate rooms and sex was sinful and icky. Or maybe she just doesn’t like sex. She has never given me a straight answer. I promise it’s not for lack of effort, patience, or care. I blamed myself for a long time and it really tore me down. But as my sister, friends and therapists have pointed out, I only have this one life and I need to model a positive and healthy relationship for my kids.
A couple years ago I was heading out for a long work trip and wanted to make love before I left. The stars didn’t align for her impossible checklist and I got upset and laid into her about it.
(I’m not looking for affirmation here, just giving a cliff notes summary of how we got this point.)
During this argument she said “I wish you would just go fuck someone else and leave me alone. Just don’t tell me about it.”
I took her up on the offer and met someone. I have been seeing her for 2 years now. Girlfriend knows the backstory and initially we kept it casual but eventually fell in love, at which point I stopped trying to have a physical relationship with my wife. We are just co parenting roommates with a joint checking account. GF is wrapping up some work overseas where we met (traveled across the world to meet a lady from Denver) and will be back stateside in about 4 months. She is amazing, only a couple years younger than me, doesn’t want her own kids, beautiful, fit, and she quoted Carl Sagan and Tenacious D during the same date. She also makes decent money, has no debt and still rocks her Jansport backpack as a purse. Most critically she is crazy about me. Definitely a rare breed.
Financially my wife and I are in a good spot. I retired from the Army and had amassed a collection of rentals across the country. Sold those off in 21-22 and when I retired I tripled my salary. I generate 5/6ths of the income for the family and even though she has an advanced degree with high earning potential, she has stayed with an hourly remote job to be more available for the kids, which is awesome and I fully support that choice. I want to set her (and by extension my kiddos) up for success.
My plan is to basically give her all the hard cash assets besides my 401k and Roth. So of our current 700k net worth I would offer her $500k roughly. I am a low maintenance dude with a vasectomy, and lifetime medical benefits for my kids and myself. I just want a decent place for my kids (50/50 custody) and some emergency savings. She will also be entitled to half my military retirement ($1500 a month) which I have no problem giving her as she earned it raising the kids while I was off on wacky adventures in Iraq and Afghanistan.
I want her to be comfortable while she gets her stuff figured out and allow her to maintain the same quality of life (less vacations) that she has become accustomed to. She isn’t a bad person, and I will always look out for her.
Is this a naive plan? Any advice from those who walked this path?