This is long, and complicated and will likely make little sense because it doesn't to me and I don't know how to process it but I don't know what else to do.
I am a woman who has been in a relationship with another woman for over 9 years, and have been married since September last year. I always thought I would be spending the rest of my life with her.
Things have not always been perfect – we've argued, had disagreements, struggled to find things to do together that we both enjoy, but I think that's just an average relationship?
The last 3/4 months, I have been questioning everything. I don't know if I'm happy anymore. We're just so different. She's supported me through so much, helped me overcome so much, and she's helped to shape the person I've become today (– without explaining, there's been a lot in my life that I've needed to work on and through). But now I feel like we're growing apart. I'm growing by myself now and don't feel like I need to lean on her for every last thing like I used to.
Added to this, I've also been questioning my sexuality. Whilst I am married to a woman, I have never really seen myself as a lesbian. I can appreciate female beauty, but I'm not necessarily attracted to it, and I find myself often thinking about what it would be like to have sex with a man. I don't feel attracted to my wife physically at the moment – her body has changed a lot since we first met and i don't know if that has something to do with it. I know I am emotionally attracted/connected to her but I've never really stopped to consider if I'm physically attracted before as it's not something I have been concerned with.
I have also recently started visiting a church – not all the time, but every now and again, and have found an odd sense of comfort in it. I don't fully understand why, but I find myself feeling connected to the message in each service every time I go. My wife does not like that I go, and it upsets her, so has certainly caused some tension. Obviously it seems a little weird for a woman in a same-sex marriage to attend church knowing that homosexuality in their eyes is a sin and that it's certain I will go to hell for such. If this is true, why do I feel such a connection when I go to the church? I almost feel like something out there is telling me that I should not be with a woman, that I should begin again on a new path. But again, I don't know if that's silly and I'm just getting caught up in it all because it's new and seemingly cathartic.
Why am I suddenly questioning my sexuality now? I now find myself wondering if I have ever been attracted to her at all (I love her — I love her so so much) or if she just fell into my life at the right time when I needed someone most? I've hurt her so badly by telling her I don't know if I want to be with a woman… but I genuinely don't know. Is it because I've attended church and it's somehow changed me? Should I continue in my marriage, despite not feeling sure, but because I love her? Do I throw my life away that I have built with her – the cherished memories, our home, everything – because I feel like I'm not fulfilling my life's purpose if I am with a woman? I don't know, and it all feels so messy and complicated. I'm and don't know what to do.
Adding to all this, we both want children. There's no doubt about it. But to have children as a female couple? The costs are extreme, and it's not even certain that you'll get the desired result even after spending so much money and that breaks my heart. If women can be in a true, genuine, loving relationship, why can babies only be made where both genders are involved? Am I now only thinking this way because I've seen the side of the church? I'm not sure.
Has anyone else ever been in a similar situation? I just need some advice. I feel scared, lost and confused.