I (F23) and my ex(M24) had been together for 8 years until we broke up about a year ago. We have a toddler together and have some issues when co-parenting. He’s the only person I’ve ever slept with and when there was an opportunity for me to do it with someone else I backed out due to insecurities and the fact that he only wanted a FWB situation, but for me I never saw myself being able to just have casual sex. So now, me and my ex hook up every once in a while and he has yet to give me an orgasm. I know this goes against what I just said, but with him it’s easy. I don’t worry how I look or if I’m shaved. I figured that within the year of breaking up he would have gained some experience when it came to having sex with women, but it’s the same. Don’t get me wrong we’ve tried so many things and I’ve been aroused each time, but when I would get close to what I thought was an orgasm he would come. Recently we had sex and it was hot, he actually kissed me and did a bit of foreplay which he rarely did, I was on the verge of coming for the first time in 8 years with him and he ended up coming before me. I got frustrated after and he asked what was wrong and I told him he never worries if I finish or not. It had always been this way since we started having sex and it’s still the same. He has done oral but he doesn’t want to do it longer than 5 minutes, so any time he offers I refuse bc I know he wouldn’t want to do it until I finish. I’m almost 100% sure I need to stop sleeping with him bc atp he’s the only one getting off and he knows it. I just wish he would put more effort into making me feel good as I do him. Even when he does “try” I think the fact that I’m not satisfied in our co parenting relationship it gets in the way of how I feel during sex. He thinks I come every time and before when we were together I would say I did, because I actually would be very close to it. But since we’re not together he’s aware that I don’t come.
When it comes to finding another sexual partner I can’t even fathom sleeping with someone new. I worry ab so many things that don’t matter or even the thought of learning what they like. With my ex I know exactly what turns him on and maybe that’s why he finishes so quickly, but it did take a while to actually figure out what he enjoys.
How can I stop being insecure about myself in order for me to find a partner that actually satisfies me? I fantasize on if I actually fell through with that person and that I should’ve just slept with him, but I worry so much on what if they see my stretch marks or don’t like the way I look under clothes. I know this everywhere I just want to come without doing it to myself :/