Hi guys, I’ve never posted on this sub before so I hope I’m doing this right. It’s been a year since we broke up and I have never been more over it, but I find myself reflecting on our relationship and being confused on what happened. Maybe you guys can shed some light.
We dated for around two years, and met at a party. I had a crush on him and flirted with him. He texted me a week later wanting to talk to me more, so we started going out. I could tell from the beginning that there was something wrong with his feelings. We could never hold a conversation, it was just me initiating and him seeming disinterested and replying with one word answers. Our first date was literally me looking at him over his shoulder while he played video games, and us having sex after. When I asked him what he liked about me, he said different answers all the time and it was all super ambiguous, like “I want to protect you”. My hunch was telling me he just liked me for attention and sex.
I wanted to leave but stuck it out. Around the two year mark, I started having really bad doubts about our relationship and my love for him. I thought it was best to leave, but he cried and begged me to stay. He confided in me that he never really in love from the beginning, and was mostly in it for attention, sex and the company. So my gut was right. But then he told me that around a year in, HIS doubts were triggered by me making an offhand joke about marrying him.
He started doubting our long term viability too. He wanted a girl who was more social, artistic, etc. But then he just thought about how sad he would be to leave me and how he couldn’t find the connection we have with anyone else, so he forced himself to fall in love with me. He pulled the “love is a choice” card, and how I shouldn’t only chase butterflies and instead should look for long term stability, etc. Basically, it was just one year of him not feeling in love, then forcing himself to be “in love” (?). He got angry at me for not wanting to “rekindle my feelings” and fall back in love, and jump ship.
Obviously I left because I don’t want to stay with someone who never liked me in the first place. But I want to know, was he in the wrong? Is it wrong to force yourself to fall back in love with someone, when you weren’t in love in the first place? It was hard to read his feelings near the end. I was unsure if he legitimately wanted to stay with me because he loved me, or if he just wanted the benefits and stability. He was a mess, absolutely breaking down. Kept contacting me for months after. He even asked if we are 40 and single, to reconnect. That last comment points me toward a bit of love – if it was about my benefits, why would he care so much about reconnecting in the future?
I legitimately don’t want to get back together with him, but I see some of this behavior play out in my current relationships and I want to make sense of it. Especially since I have a hard time making sense of what’s love and not love. What do you think his feelings were? He was never in love from the beginning, but was he near the end? And why would he even get with someone if he felt nothing?
TL;DR: Ex’s feelings are confusing, but I can’t say he never felt love either.
1 comment
>He was a mess
I think this basically sums it up.
>so he forced himself to fall in love with me. He pulled the “love is a choice” card, and how I shouldn’t only chase butterflies and instead should look for long term stability, etc. Basically, it was just one year of him not feeling in love, then forcing himself to be “in love” (?).
I have no idea what this dude is on about. He’s tossing out word salad. Basically saying a bunch of words that dont really mean anything. He’s a mess.
Love is ultimately just a word. When you feel something that resembles “love” then thats love.
Somebody talking about whether they are “in love” with you vs. just love…or forcing themselves to love or whatever, its all dumb. You cant force anything.
Some people are broken. I bet he’s had some issues growing up with family or something that has led to this type of behavior/thinking. He probably has a lot of things to sort out…but we all do. He’s only 21, he’s raging with hormones and instability. This is just part of life for some of us.
But I think you did the right thing.