What would you do here?
Extremely strange situation.
Hi all, this is going to be a long one. I hope it's worth your reading.
I (M 27) met an amazing woman (F 24) about 40 days ago. Since then, we have been seeing each other a considerable amount, which includes 10 sleep overs. I know it's early to say, but I love her. She treats me so well, it's as if I've hallucinated the whole thing.
We are exclusive but not official – she still counts us as 'dating', although I have voiced to her that I'd like to be official. She wants more time, which I understand.
Yesterday, I arrived at her place and our plan was to have a nice afternoon, then I'd sleep over. As soon as I arrived, she went to shower. During this, I noticed her diary was open (it is usually hidden). I looked at her entry from hours before I arrived – it was scathing.
Her entry spoke about how she's questioning if she should break it with me, and that she finds her ex more suitable. It was a long monologue about how I'm basically wasting my time. I wanted to read her previous entries, but I was extremely hurt; nauseated.
She entered the room shortly after and I acted like everything was cool. We proceeded to spend the evening together, where I observed her behaviour towards me. As usual, it was extremely loving — her actions are so loving and romantic towards me, which does not fit with her writing. I'm extremely confused. She even spoke about how she wants to meet my parents, and just before I left, she told me she'd see me in the next two days.
What do I do? It was wrong to read her entry, but it was literally right in front of me. Maybe having read this now will save me dearly?
26 comments
Do NOT talk to her about violating her privacy and looking at something you know deep down you shouldn’t have seen.
Fall back. Stop pursuing the title. Observe. You’re over pursuing her and she’s reflecting on the past (which is fake at this point) because the guy prob didn’t love her enough and she was working for it herself. Hard to compete with that but your only way is to let her seek you.
I’m possibly in a similar situation right now as your partner. I’m recently with a man whom I rationally like very much, and who I’m trying very hard to connect with emotionally. But I have frequent intrusive thoughts telling me he’s not suited to me, that certain traits are a bit of a turnoff (e.g. more validation seeking and less curious about the world than I). These aren’t deal-breakers in my mind so I’m putting significant effort into our relationship to see if my feelings change because I want them to, and I know that they may. I never experience a direct spark, but develop feelings over time. If we don’t succeed, I want to know I tried everything.
Its a diary so its just thoughts, and processing thoughts. One day you may feel one way, the next another. That she is writing it down is because she is processing and dealing with her thoughts in a healthy way instead of loading it on you. You were not supposed to read that, and you shouldnt read it again.
Also can she read this post? No, its you processing your thoughts about something you dont want to share with her in this moment.
As a journaling girly, if someone read my diary and told me about it I would repeat everything I said to their face. You violated her privacy, got hurt, now just move on to your life.EVERYBODY have moments of doubts and questionning at any moment of a relationship, you just had access to it lucky you but I feel like that’s unfair.
Just move on dude.
You shouldn’t be reading a person’s diary, period
You fucked yourself up by reading something that wasn’t meant for you. Everyone is allowed their private thoughts and feelings. People will have their fears and doubts, and not every thought is positive. She is figuring herself and this relationship out and now you are going to prove her right.
Let it ride whatever happens happens
As soon as you read her private diary, you doomed the relationship. Now you have these thoughts in your head holding you back, and now you have to keep a secret from her that you read her private things.
“It was open, so I read it” is no excuse- you had to walk over to the diary, focus on the words and continue to read them. 100% unforgivable in my book.
I’ll be the odd one out and ponder that maybe she left it out on purpose? Maybe she hoped you would read it, get upset, and end the relationship. Or maybe to even test you to see if you’d read it and violate her privacy? Because obviously anyone who would read something like that would say something.
My vote is that maybe it was a test. Personally I wouldn’t say anything. Give yourself two weeks to a month to let things pan out. Back off on relationship talks a bit and just enjoy the time. See how things progress then have a heart to heart discussion about how things are going.
Come on. If she normally doesn’t leave her diary out, you know she left it there on purpose. She did it for a reason. We know she wanted him to read that entry. She is being manipulative and it’s almost like she wants him to break up with her.
OP, be done with these cat and mouse games. Cut your losses and move on.
I love my man with every fiber of my being. He is my soulmate and I literally can’t live without him.
That being said, I have definitely said some really shitty things about him in my journal in moments of depression or extreme frustration. The point of the joirnal is to get all that shit out instead of pouring it into the relationship
It sounds like you were WAY more into her than she was into you, and she left her diary out as a hint. I think you might have missed some other signs before this.
Everyone saying you shouldn’t have read it…….I promise they too would have read the diary if they were in the same situation.
Look, just break it off with F24 and move on.
You’ll be happier in the long run if you heed my advice.
You shouldn’t have read that. It wasn’t for you. At the same time, people need to stop drawing lines between exclusive and official. She wants to date you enough to lock you down from other women but not enough to tell people she’s dating you? Huge red flag.
she probably left it out for you to read it to spare her the awkwardness of saying it to you. Just a guess tho. Maybe she’s a dingus
I don’t know…It seems odd to me that the diary was even left out and open like that in the first place.
I don’t keep a diary myself, but I am a pretty private person and if I were to start journaling, I would almost certainly put it away when I was done writing, especially if I knew company was coming over (let alone a person who was specifically mentioned in my latest journal entry).
Did you come to her place earlier than expected that day? Do you think she was still writing when you arrived and you caught her off guard? If she had plenty of time to finish her journal entry before you came over, I would think that she’d have the presence of mind to put it away afterwards…or to at least shut the diary and not leave it open for the world to see.
So unless she was interrupted in her writing, or it honestly slipped her mind that the diary was left out like that, I think it’s fishy that she left it so visible…and opened up to such an entry. It is possible that she did that on purpose to test how you would react, so don’t rule out that possibility.
Regardless, you peeked at the diary, so now you have to determine what to do next. Your two main options are to go along with the relationship pretending you never saw what she wrote, or to come clean to her and have a heart-to-heart talk about the situation. Personally I would lean towards the second option, but whatever you decide, I wish you the best. It is rough to develop feelings for someone, and then discover they may be having doubts about you.
I dont know, but i think she left it there on purpose. Maybe she wanted to make u aware that this relationship wont be long. Anyway, wish you the best bro
sounds like the most passive aggressive bullshit way to try to break up with someone… more than likely she left it there for you to see.
Shes dumb, bro. you’ve been duped. worse yet shes probably thinking its a you problem too.
“her actions are so loving and romantic towards me, which does not fit with her writing.”
There is a saying that “actions speak louder than words.” and she wants to meet the parents, so maybe see if this goes past the “honeymoon phase”?
Posted another comment but wanted to say that OP has been following a fairly healthy timeline and it sounds like a situationship almost for her. 4 months and around 10 times staying over is well beyond most people’s threshold for “official”. Saying love is a heavily debated topic so I won’t argue anything about that, but if this girl is still questioning “official” and thinking of her ex like that at this point, that’s a major red flag. In addition, this sounds like her most recent entry, so this is red flags abound.
sounds like my ex…
sorry man. she might seem cool but to avoid hurting yourself later on, you should probably try and let go now before you get even deeper feelings.
stuff like this hurts🙂↔️
Use your words to invite her to use hers. Sounds like a foundational red flag, actions incongruent with feelings. Either she’s projecting her missing her ex onto her actions with you and not available for a real relationship, or she’s “splitting” , a sign of emotionally unstable personality disorder. Read the criteria and look for the abuse, chaos and manipulation for attention to ramp up after the love bombing peters out within 90 days.
What are the odds that she left her diary open hoping you’d read it while she was in the shower? Or, rather, that it was a test to see if you’d invade her privacy by reading it? I don’t know the woman so this is a genuine question about her personality.
I’d leave. Doesn’t matter how she’s treating you. Those represent her true thoughts. Don’t get hurt. Go find somebody who appreciates you truly.
You need to leave her. You never want to be second fiddle to another man. Although when you leave with her DON’T tell her you read her journal. Just say you don’t think it’s working out. If she comes back after then your #1 fiddle. And you are good to go. If not she never really liked you you were just convenient.
Sir, I have to tell you, ladies change their minds so much, I would not take it personally and definitely don’t show any insecurity or ask any questions about her ex. you have to convince yourself that you didn’t even read it or you are going to manifest some sort of energy that’s going to ruin the relationship. Make your decision, but do it with courage, confidence, and pride.