For one and a half year, I have an anxiety disorder along with stomach issues that led me to changing 3 different antidepressants throughout a year. I spent the last 6 months in withdrawal, including right now.
Throughout this time, I completely stopped leaving my house due to my fears of being outside and I find it hard to go to social events. I’d only see my boyfriend frequently as he was my comfort zone. It has only been the last two months I am sort of going back to normal as I had to move to a different country due to work, and it really forced me to face all my fears and try to be independent again. Of course, everyday is still a battle to me to go to social things and avoid staying inside my house.
I was very open about my issues to my friends, and they were supportive. Of course, I’d never go complaining to them and I was still there for them throughout everything – hourly calls, text messages, and everything. I’d also see them, but not as much as I used to pre-anxiety. It would maybe be twice or three times per month, while in the past, it was twice per week at least.
I lost my bestfriend because she said I wasn’t around physically anymore (as in I didn’t go partying and drinking with her everyday), and she didn’t want to be glued to her phone, so she just randomly stopped being friends with me. I reached out a month ago to ask about her well-being and she cited multiple reasons on why she didn’t want to be friends, which are apparently me being jealous of her trying to get with my friend (who I did not even speak to or see) and her not wanting to be glued to her phone. I accepted that and moved on, wishing her well. Instead, she found new drinking / partying buddies and I just assume it wasn’t a genuine friendship between us.
Right now, I feel like my current friends are also annoyed at me. They want to go on a trip out of my hometown, which I feel very scared about. You may ask why – as I did move countries alone, but it was a torture to me mentally. For a week, I constantly would be burning up or shaking, being anxious, unable to eat. I really really had to force myself hard. So when the situation is not urgent, I try to avoid it as I get very scared of dealing with anxiety.
I asked my friend if I could let her know in 2 days time if i was coming, and she asked me in a mean way saying she didnt understand why I needed so long. I explained, but I feel like I’m starting to piss off everyone around me with my issues. I’m starting to feel like I shouldn’t annoy people with my presence and should be fully alone until I fully heal. I don’t know anymore.
Sometimes I feel like I have no one genuine next to me.