So an old friend of mine recently left her partner (still in the process of getting a divorce) and I happen to be moving back to the area, so we hung out last week. Aside from us both being awkward, the night could not have been more fun. The first thing she did was drag me into one those photo booths you see in arcades. It felt like the chemistry was really there. She constantly was saying, “[when you move back] we should do this and we should do that.” We ended the night kind of early but offered to take me out for my birthday (next week) before we hugged and parted way. She also did text me the next day to tell me what a great time she had.
I know that all sounds great, but the problem kind of is we are both very insecure people. We have had a couple of brief exchanges through messaging (about possible future hangouts and her saying “wow” on a selfie Snapchat story of me) but all her responses were very short. She’s very busy, I get that so I don’t want to push things too hard too quickly.
I guess my query is where do I go from here?
I think, based on social media posts, are might be looking for a rebound right now, and I don’t want to be just that. Maybe I am worrying about nothing but we’ve sort of been here before. We briefly dated a while back but it didn’t work out (because we weren’t ready and we misread each other). We hung out a few times over years, but something always to get in the way. We have become good friends over the years, but this is the first time we’ve seen each other in a decade.
I just don’t want to move too fast or too slow.
8 comments
I would let her get divorced, first. Hang out as friends and don’t take a fun hang out and talks about hanging out more as a sign of something more.
I don’t have quite the same scenario, but I can see myself in your shoes…this sounds like something I’d find myself in. Knowing some woman, she isn’t single at the time, but I admire her as a person, we get along as friends, crush of sorts develops, can’t tell what is flirting and what is just beings nice, her relationship status changes, maybe we even hangout or talk even more now, I wonder “hey why not we clearly get along.”
Something very much to that has happened to me more than once and it’s never resulted in anything…yet… I’m kinda sorta in the middle of one of these now and, I know I shouldn’t hold my breath so to speak, but I haven’t exactly stepped away either 🤷♂️
Just be her friend right now, and be aware her behavior may be all over the place right now. She’s going to need reassurance, support and boundaries right now. It’s really easy to grab on to someone romantically during the divorce phase and you can definitely tell her that you’d want to date her if she feels emotionally/mentally ready (if she puts the moves on)
here’s some advice I’d never normally give: stay friends for now, let the divorce go through. it sounds like you managed, somehow, to keep her interested like this probably because you are long-term friends and that attraction has always been there.
after the divorce, you’ll do something fun and the kiss can be made to seem in-the-moment.
I’d be an acquaintance over a friend so that you will remain open to dating women who are actually available for dating. Being friends aka doing stuff together often, texting, talking on the phone—is just gonna have you tied up in someone who is unavailable.
Keep in mind that part of her appeal may have been her unavailability—which still exists. Let her get divorced and I don’t recommend dating anyone fresh out of a divorce.
If after she has been divorced for a year and you are still single and interested, make your move.
But. Please do not let yourself get tied up in someone who isn’t available. It will only lead to heartache.
Full stop, reverse course.
She’s not available yet, and when she is you will either become a rebound fling or be put in the friend zone. Which is clearly not what you want. You need to shut off the fantasy in your head and create distance like a previous poster put it, become an acquaintance for a while. She will need to deal with the divorce and that emotional baggage first, have her rebound (watch it go up in flames) plus get back to dating casually, date some other men to see what she wants and finally get back to wanting a serious relationship (which is what you’re wanting). This can take months or years just depends on the person.
But what you don’t want to do is be that friend she commiserates to, or always available to her because you will become the friend and lose all potential as being seen as anything more.
Or scenario 2 you hook up have fun, but she will either go back to her ex or realize she isn’t wanting a relationship and wants to explore for a while after being married but you won’t have the relationship you’re wanting.
So create distance, be an acquaintance, and go date women who are actually available in all the ways you’re wanting.
Be her friend, this will develop very slowly. You can let someone else be the rebound. But my experience w/ newly divorced ppl is that they will go up & down in their emotions, this is a turbulent time & they need to grieve that loss even if they have fun w/ you & like you; they are still emotionally unavailable as they process this life change & learn who they are as a single person & not a spouse.
I feel like you’ve already got some great advice OP but I’ll just add this…
Maybe stop thinking of her as “the woman of my dreams” because that’s only gonna lead you to some sadbad places