This is an ongoing issue in my relationship that has been going on for about 2 years now. My bf (23m) and I (24f) have been dating for almost 4 years at this point. About 2 years ago I’d say, he started bringing up the idea of going to the gym. I wasn’t opposed to it as I had a gym membership but I rarely used it, simply because I had no clue what I was doing and was intimidated to go alone. Keep in mind that at this time, he also was not going to the gym and wasn’t very active, so it’s not like he wanted me to start participating in an activity that he did, he wanted me to start going simply to lose weight for his pleasure. It got to the point where he started telling me he was starting to become unattracted to me, not wanting to engage in intimacy, etc. So, I started going with a friend and I grew to really enjoy it! We lifted together almost everyday and i started seeing progress in the way I looked and felt. He’s started going too and is extremely into it and is very consistent, more so than me.
However, since then, if there’s ever a time where I don’t go to the gym for any reason, he gets mad. He constantly calls me lazy, will tell me straight up when I’m “getting big” or if my neck “looks fat.” When I decide to exercise in different forms (yoga, pilates, walking/running), he gets upset and tells me it’s not enough. I will admit that I am definitely not as dedicated to working out as he is, and I think a large part of the reason is the way he speaks to me about my body and the way I look. It’s almost as if i sometimes don’t want to go out of spite. He doesn’t realize how his words tear me down instead of “motivating me” as he thinks they do or should. I am by no means huge or unhealthy. I have a little tummy and have always had curves. I haven’t gained weight since we’ve started dating, if anything I’ve gained muscle and lost fat, so it’s not like my appearance has drastically changed or worsened since we’ve been together.
I understand wanting the best for your partner. I also understand that motivating your partner to be healthier is ok. But, I don’t think him telling me things like I’m “disgusting” for laying in bed after a long day at work, or “lazy” for skipping the gym. He will keep track of how many days per week i go or don’t go, he comments on the foods I eat and whether or not I should be eating them, he used to comment on how many calories I burned per workout until i unshared my Apple Watch stats with him. I know in the back of my mind that this behavior is not normal but I need to hear from other perspectives what you think I should do. Obviously it’s not fun, especially as a woman, to hear from your boyfriend how he thinks you’re fat, need to lose weight, lazy, and disgusting. Like I said, I understand trying to motivate your partner but I believe this is another level. He claims he “has to be mean” to motivate me because he’s sick of having to ask me to lose weight. No matter how many times I explain to him how this makes me feel, he doesn’t seem to understand that what he’s doing is wrong.
I guess I’m just looking for advice, like what you’d do in this situation or if you’ve ever encountered this type of problem before… like I said I get his point to a certain extent but his friends and coworkers seem to agree with his stance so I’m not sure. TY in advance…
TLDR: my bf constantly comments on my weight and tells me I’m lazy when I don’t workout. He keeps track of the days I go to the gym / things i eat etc. and continuously calls me chubby, big, tells me I’m going to die prematurely, etc.