Okay, so I’ve never done this before.
So please let me know if I need to add more backstory.
TLDR:
I’ve spoken to my partner about my boundaries of what I think is cheating, which he keeps crossing and I don’t know if I should keep pressing this or if I’m being dramatic.
I '23F'and my bf '23M' have been together 6 years and I’ve struggled with self image my whole life as a heavy woman. My main issue with this is not that it’s women it’s women that look nothing like me. It’s something that just makes me uncomfortable to see him lusting after these pictures and videos of women who look nothing like me. Which I made very clear to him that I do consider this micro cheating.
To start would take us back to May two years ago.
I brought up an issue of him watching porn beside me while I was sleeping. I woke up to the video sounds, I brought it up to him and he apologised and gave his reasoning and said it wouldn’t happen again. I moved on from this quickly as it’s the first time anything like this has ever come into our relationship, I am not against porn in certain situations which I again made clear like if I was travelling for work for a week or two then yes of course no issues but it’s the fact that I was sleeping right beside him.
I then brought up the issue of women online, on the day-today (social media) first it was TT which he again apologised for and created a new TT account “to reset the algorithm” I felt so guilty about even bringing up the issue so I kinda moved on from the topic rather quickly and accepted the apology, nothing else happened after this for about a year. I noticed that he then didn’t use TT at all and moved to IG reels but at the time didn’t think much of it.
About a year ago I then again brought up the issue again about woman online but on IG he’s response was the same apology at that stage I thought this was us done and we where breaking up, I went through so many emotions that I didn’t know what to do, his only explanation was that it was ‘mindless scrolling’ and how he’s such a bad bf and he didn’t realise how hurtful it was to me, and that he will do better he then again suggested a new account which he didn’t end up doing. Again I moved on with barely a fight. Then last week we where away for a weekend getaway trip where I discovered it was happening again, at this stage I’m defeated and I just can’t keep doing this he’s response to my message (it was a very long and detailed message that explained everything mentioned above but in more detail.) I sent him about this again was exactly “I don’t even know what to say I’ve just been reading it over and over xx
I didn’t even realise how bad it got xx
I’m so sorry xx
I know you shouldn’t have to hear it from me but I am xx” We spoke for about another hour about this but the result was the same he’s sorry and I deserve better and he will try to do that, I again accepted this and have told him I won’t and can’t apparently stop him from doing this so I just have to learn to live with it. which he accepted and moved on. But it’s literally eating me up inside I can’t sleep I can’t eat. We haven’t been intimate since march and I think that’s playing its role in this as well. Our living situation doesn’t allow for much sexual activity as we live with his parents.
He is the love of my life and I can’t imagine my future without him. I just don’t know what to do now.
Should I bring this up again and or am I a fool for even bringing any of it up in the first place, am I creating issues because of my insecurities? I just really need unbiased advice on this.
I need advice on how to move forward.
Thanks.