(21F and bf 22M) i feel selfish for wanting to be sexually satisfied?
i have been together with my boyfriend for 1 year so far (and he is my first one) and I’ve been really struggling with initiating sex or anything with him. he is a great (sexual) partner, good in bed as well as mature and respectful so we never had any issues together.
my problem is that every time i try ask him to have sex or get me off i feel disgusted of myself, like im sefish/or don’t deserve it/or feel like a r-pist. especially when i get rejected because i take it personally and then i punish myself with the feeling of guilt, and when I do NOT get rejected, I still feel selfish and think he pleases me just because i asked (not accepting the thoughts that he actually wants to). it’s really unhealthy and often i cry because of that and have problems with self esteem.
i basically know that it all comes from childhood trauma (toxic parents that i know too much about regarding their sexual life, self esteem issues and distorted perception of romantic relationships) but neither talking to my partner or my therapist for a long time helped.
because of that i would like to ask if someone ever had the same problem and what did you do to overcome these intrusive feelings? desperately need some practical advices because it’s ruining my sex life from my perspective. thank you!!