I \[M36\] never knew my biological father. Until the age of 9, I considered my maternal grandparents my actual parents since I spent most of my time with them while my mom worked night and morning shifts at a hospital as a nurse.
When I was 9, my mom got married and we moved to another country where her new husband used to live. My relationship with my stepfather was never good. We had frequent fights, sometimes even painful and physical. Family dinners were mostly silent. Not a lot of dialogue either between them or with me. I was exposed to inappropriate adult social dynamics directly.
At the age of 18, right after graduating from high school, I moved out on my own. Worked nights and weekends and applied for a scholarship to study at university. That was the beginning of my adult life.
For many years I kept asking myself if it was essential to even have a father. But more and more lately, I’ve been noticing how growing up without one has created/resurfaced all sorts of problems and limitations.
* I’m unable to have what most people consider “successful” long-term relationships with women
* I’m unable to make new friends
* I get easily angry, sometimes harshly and bitterly so, especially at my mother
* I have a very hard time convincing myself that I have worth, or that I deserve to be happy and/or successful. I’m still working on this one, but it is tremendously difficult
* I exhibit some addictive behavior, which, luckily I suppose, tends to be around working a lot. However, I don’t find myself nearly as accomplished as I wished I was
* I struggle at communicating with people and I am not well articulated \[I truly dislike this part of me\]
I would love to fix all of the above, but I feel like I’d need another childhood to actually manage not to lack so much in all of these areas.
16 comments
My advice to you, in this particular case, would be to consider therapy. I had some challenges in my life in my late 30s, and after seeing a therapist just a few times, I was able to think about them in a new way, which helped *a lot*.
This is way above reddit pay grade. Find a counselor and get some professional help.
Therapy, for one. Also maybe look up the idea of “reparenting” to start thinking about and healing some of those things.
Definitely talk to a therapist as you have a lot to unpack there. It sounds like you don’t really have the coping skills necessary at the moment to deal with some difficult feelings you’re having.
If you refuse to go to therapy, then my advice is to start by working on your anger issues. I’m fairly certain your inability to make new friends or establish and maintain relationships is due to your anger issues.
I will say this about “successful” relationships: every relationship fails until one doesn’t.
You’ve got the self awareness and introspection, which is honestly a huge positive step. I’m proud of you for taking it.
The bullet points you list are **all learned skills.** Kids who grew up surrounded by those skills being used on a daily basis can just pick them up. You didn’t and that’s ok. They’re skills and skills can be learned.
I’ll echo the recommendation for finding a psychologist to work with. It’s ok and expected that you may need to try a few before you find one who you click with. The first session goes over your history and personal goals for therapy. Honestly just read them this post or print it out and hand it to them.
They have training in how to help adults build these skills and healthy thought processes.
I’m terribly sorry for the circumstances of your childhood. I grew up without a father figure and know how much it messes one up.
If you haven’t already, I strongly suggest finding a good therapist. I solved a lot of my issues and understood the reasoning for others that way. Therapy can help you gain a perspective of your childhood from a viewer standpoint and helps you understand your parents / parent figures as humans instead of whatever emotional place you put them.
For example my father died when I was 15 (when a boy needs a father figure the most in my opinion) and I was angry at him for 17 years until I solved it in therapy. It finally made me see him as a struggling man who’s doing his best to keep his family fed instead of the man who “died and left me”. I felt sorry for him for the life he’s had and finally forgave him. Relatedly, it solved my stress caused by perfectionism in myself and others. It’s like a web, a small thing in childhood that you don’t even remember can mess you up in ways unimaginable.
For communication issues read novels. They really help. Other problems will take a long time as you said, but its better late than never. I sometimes feel hopeless for being so late to learn things I should’ve learned 20 years ago, but the alternative is growing old with those issues so no matter how long they take, keep working on them.
Wish you the best.
Sounds like you are exactly me. I would first start with therapy and the anger. That resentment and anger definitely will manifest into your relationships in ways you can’t imagine. I worked on that with a therapist using a technique called EMDR. I also would keep a close eye on your addictions. I found it moved between video games, porn, work, or alcohol. Never in that order. Work on that first and foremost with therapy. This will help you avoid making bad decisions.
That uneasy feeling of self worth will take a lot. I still have codependency issues where I lacked any boundaries with my wife. I went above and beyond giving without receiving. This probably stemmed from my strange codependent relationship with my mom.
Man….a lot to unpack I know…but I would start looking their first.
Pete Walker’s book Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving
i have to commend you for being so aware of how this impacted your life. a childhood trauma therapist will be able to help you with these things – maybe someone specialized in IFS. also, if you’re looking for a support group adult children of alcoholics and dysfunctional families (ACA) is also a great choice – it’s a 12 step program.
Hey man, *very* similar situation here.
It is ok to talk to someone about your problems. They are not going to laugh or say that you shouldn’t be upset about something, no matter how small *you think* it is. Let me tell you, my mind *constantly* tells me that I shouldn’t be happy and how humiliating it is going to be for me to speak with someone. It’s not.
Things will get better, I’ve seen it first hand. Look into talking with someone and try talking. It sometimes takes a while, but it *does* get better.
The fact that you want to change these things is pretty great.
I think a lot of this boils down to confidence. You want/need more of it.
I think you focus on small parts of yourself.
– read more (both fiction and self-help)
– practice daily affirmations
– set small goals, write them down, and attain them
– practice acts of kindness – go out of your way to be nice to people, especially your mom
It’s not much, but it’s free (books$) and it might start you down a path of being kind to you and to those around you.
I admire you for writing down areas of improvement.
You’ve taken a huge first step.
Good luck on the next ones. 👍
I grew up in a similar situation didn’t meet my bio dad til i was 9 , my stepdad came into the picture when i was 8 , me and stepdad were polite with each other but never truly developed a father and son relationship , grew up with a lot of self-loathing and abandonment issues which have cropped up in all sorts of my relationships.
Over the years I’ve worked through a lot of resentment and insecurity with a book I consider one of my most important reads ever called **No More Mr. Nice Guy by Robert Glover .**
More recently i’ve been in therapy for the last year and that’s been tremendously valuable. The fucked up thing about growing up without a dad in your life is it can feel like conceptually a very small thing but i didn’t realize how much that absence really reconstructed and centered my world view around that inner void. It’s like putting cones around a gaping hole but never really addressing that the hole is there.
In my bones I have always felt if my own dad couldn’t love me enough to stay then who could? Am I even capable of extending a love like that? Did I ever deserve a lovel ike that ?
Anyway Therapy for me has been a lot about realizing i’m not my dad, that i was screwed out of a healthy child devleopment by immature parents, and that i now had reached a point in my life where i could decide and choose how my future and by extension any future for an eventual family would look.
It sounds simple but man this is dozens of hours of talking with a therapist i trust, reliving old situations, broaching some childhood disappointment and trauma, and finally being able to see myself with clear eyes .
But I prefer this existence over the subtle anger and bleak view i had on relationships and paternal figures before this .
If there’s anything the book or therapy taught me it’s how to have an active life and not a passive life when i didn’t know there was a difference between those before.
I can’t offer much more than what others are saying – it’s something you just have to talk out and learn more about the why’s of each issue… What I can say though, is I had an amazingly supportive and loving upbringing and am still extremely close with my parents… but every single one of your bullets describes me to a T. So take that with a grain of salt – your problems may have roots in your relationships (or lack of) with your father/stepfather, but they also might not be specifically that… all that to say, I wouldn’t dwell on the idea that because of your past, you’ll be unable to break some of those habits.
There is nothing abnormal about you. Stop chewing snot and move on with your life
It’s a lot of neglect and abandonment work. Have you ever heard of EMDR therapy? That process helped me connect with a lot of my subconscious thoughts and feelings that were programmed in my brain during my childhood.
My mom worked nights as a hospital nurse as well, and it’s taken me decades to understand the neglect and abandonment trauma.
I also participate in my local ACA meetings that have great tools and methods for dealing with family abandonment and neglect.
Strongly recommend schema therapy. There’s a good directory online. It’s not fast, but effective at helping with deep complex issues such as yours. If you’re in the UK, London ish i can recommend a therapist