What would you do in this situation? I dont know if this is much of advice or just needing to vent. When you fall out of love it makes it hard to see your decisions clearly because to me, it feels like leaving a person I once loved and still truly care for in the dust.
Years ago we met on Tinder and I would sneak out of my sober living house (sounds worse than it is, this place was actually incredibly nice) to go spend time with her, dinner, strolls downtown Seattle, milkshakes in Tacoma, that sort of thing.
Fast forward a year or so, Im back in my hometown, just got released from jail, I reach out to her and shes living in Hawaii and says “hey I just got my tax return let me buy you a plane ticket and you can come live in Hawaii and do something different for yourself” Next day I was on a plane headed for what would ultimately change my life forever.
Now mind you she’s completely sober, and Im a recovering heroin addict, all was known from our first conversations. She also has, at that time, a four year old son.
In Hawaii I’m having a hard time mentally, I know I need to be clean but not wanting to really be clean but it’s happening because Kona isn’t exactly the place for good cheap drugs.
I start working right away after getting there, eventually get a second job, shes also working, just trying to get ourselves out of “pay check to paycheck” lifestyle. Which is also kind of difficult in Hawaii. We lived in a duplex on a coffee farm, had fruit trees, neighbors shared their garden, it was wonderful. Still have addiction negging at me.
After about a year and a half of me being there we get invited to move to Denver to help an old friend of hers open a boutique shop. We accept and month later were off to Denver.
Almost instantly, knowing how big cities are, the heroin starts up again.
By this point wed been officially together a couple years, Im officially “dad” to her son and have all the dad like responsibilities. With that comes the magnitude of fucked upness that using hard drugs has. Next would follow fucked up situations, me quitting, me relapsing, until Fathers Day 2018 was my last heroin use. I got psychiatric help and finally did things differently.
Also Covid hit and her friend drastically tried to lower my girlfriends wage to the point of a joke and my girlfriend quits. Also claims to me “Im taking a year off work, and also never going to work for someone else again” I had a decent job so yeah sure totally, you deserve it thats fine.
Fast forward to mid 2021 where I started an addiction to benzodiazepines. heavy benzodiazepine usage which lasted until end up that year. Never told her what was going on. I worked a labor intensive job and blamed falling asleep all the time on that. Then I knew i just had to quit. So i stopped cold turkey, which if you know anything about benzo withdrawal, its not something you can function on to borderline i should have sought medical attention. But I also have severe back issues so I able to semi legitimately quit my job on that bases.
By this time she had gotten into “pop up markets”. She started making jewelry and selling other things, which turned into her and a different friend of hers opening a little jewelry/crystal holistic kind of shop. We had downsized our apartment to a one bedroom for the three of us, she was able and willing to cover all the living expenses.
Im out of work for 2 months, get through my withdrawals but going crazy staying home. I start using meth and recently relapsed on benzos, she comes home to find me contorted on the bed, foaming at the mouth thinking im dead. Boom kicks me out, im on the next flight back to WA. There i get cleaned up, stay for a couple month, get a little dishwasher job to save enough to into a sober living house back in Denver. Shes in Denver, my son is in Denver, my hometown is nothing but trouble.
So this is March of 2022. Im at the sober living, Im working, I had a complete just refresh of everything. Im doing really well. Im paying for everything our son needed, im paying a third of her rent even tho im not living there, im chipping in as much as possible.
Then I get a really good job, my career. She was living in a 3 bedroom apartment, so I suggest hey you have an extra room how about I just move in there, Ill put what Im paying at the sober house on top of what im already giving you to help for rent. She agrees, I move in. Everything is great, and we are NOT together at this point, mutually.
Now ever since I moved in I have been covering EVERYTHING. Rent, 4 cell phones, wifi, electricity not to mention the thousands of dollars Ive “lent” to her. She had kicked her friend out of the business she had (rightfully so chick was crazy) and I was even having to foot the $2000 lease on the space she was renting for the last few months of it before her lease was up and just closed it altogether.
Shes an entrepreneur but terrible at business. So for these last couple years its been over and over again of “oh I got this coming up, flops.” “oh this is going to be happening, flops” to the point where I was finally like I dont even want to hear it anymore because at this point, its almost delusional. Like Id be stupid to even remotely count on any of it.
Ive been pleading with her, please just get a job, just anything to help out. If anything were to happen to me theres no backup at all, and I work in a dangerous environment.
We had talked about getting back together under the stipulation of couples therapy, we’ve gone a few times but its to the point now like I dont need you as partner we can do what were doing apart from each other and Im getting blamed for not supporting her while “she’s building” but truth is I have been. Ive gone far above anyone else would while not being technically together. Now ive remained faithful, im
not out looking for other girls, sleeping around, going out or any of that because of the talks of the goal is to be to get back together.
Now our lease is up in a couple months and Im buying a house and the level of commitment I was willing to make towards that would require her to chip in a little bit. So we have been looking at houses together but Im like, I cannot logically get into something that I cannot afford on my own.
I KNOW she did a lot for me, sticking by me through all the drug shit. I know that. But that was her choice. and i’ve constantly gotten it thrown back in my face and told theres a financial responsibility on my end because of it. But theres no end to it. I’ve raised her son who is now about to be 13 since he was 4 years old. I dont want to have to separate but I also am like whats the point of a relationship if only one person is contributing. Shes not a home maker, doesnt clean hardly ever, doesnt bring in money, but somehow im the asshole for have “wasting the last 7 years of her life”
I want her to find someone that makes a bunch of money that doesnt mind her just doing her gigs here and there. I wish I could support that. and if financially I could right now. I totally would. Ive just asked her to get a job for a couple of years and doesn’t even have to be full time.
I’ve tried contributing and being supportive. I have her 10k to put in her business, 4 months later gone. nothing to show for it. Paid her lease., business shut down anyways.
It feels shitty having to separate because of money, but I feel like if im only hurting myself, then maybe Im actually hurting her too. idk.
What would you do in this situation?
If you read all this, thanks so much for your time.