So I was part of a wedding party and essentially from the morning until the reception at 6pm. There was no food. I was starving all day. Got to the reception and there still was barely enough food so I started drinking and ended up getting insanely plastered.
My boyfriend showed up a little bit after I had gotten to the reception. We stuck around there for a couple hours , but ultimately I ended up being way too hammered to stay there. He had to drive me home. On the way home I threw up three times and couldn’t eat or drink water because of how out of it I was. When we got to my place my boyfriend was quite upset. Somehow I was able to walk my dog when we got home (barely…. Think I could only take him right outside the door before sitting down on the curb). This is just context for the state I was in. When we came back into my apartment. I changed out of the dress I was wearing and put on a baggy t shirt and immediately blacked out in bed.
My memory is spacey but at some point my boyfriend moved from sitting on the couch to lying beside me in bed. Not coddling me or checking in on me at all just sitting upright in bed. I remember him turning me over from being on my side and now on my back. He climbed on top of me and started having sex with me. I knew what was happening and I didn’t stop it but I also don’t think I had the power to do so if I wanted to because of how intoxicated I was. I do remember that I took my shirt off while we were having sex though … he ended up turning me around continued to do what he was doing. Finished and then put his clothes on and said he was going to leave. He asked if I was going to walk him out but obviously I was so drunk I couldn’t and he just left. Left with my door unlocked and all. Didn’t even put water by my bedside.
The next day he played it off like he was upset at how drunk I was and embarrassed us as a couple. When I mentioned to him that we had sex by the end of the night so why does it matter …. He said that it’s because I kept asking him to come cuddle.
I probably was asking him to come and cuddle but the flashbacks I’m having are a little bit alarming because of the state I was in. Is something wrong with this situation and what he did or is it ok? We are in a relationship but I’m just in my head about if this is messed up or not. Any advice would be so helpful. Thanks.
29 comments
He was very angry with you for humiliating the both of you, so he chose to punish you by violating you… Him not leaving water for you, finishing on you and leaving your home door unlocked says it all.
This man is dangerous. I wouldn’t continue seeing him if I were you.
If you were that intoxicated and you did not consent (which I have the impression you could not), then this was s* assault.
This is rape. He raped you. Don’t dance around it. You need to recognize it now so you get help NOW. Do not allow this relationship to continue. If he did it once, he WILL do it again. Call the police, call a friend, call a parent, call a coworker, call anyone you can trust and ask for their help. Also, please find a therapist, because you will need help processing what happened.
You repeatedly threw up and were so drunk that he had to drive you home, yet he claims he “had sex with you because you kept asking him to come cuddle?” No healthy, safe partner would ever even consider or *think* of sexual activity with someone they are supposed to love who is so drunk they are successively vomiting.
The fact, too, that he had to repeatedly physically move your body speaks volumes.
This is not your fault. I won’t pressure you into identifying this as such, but this is rape. He took advantage of you when you were ill and vulnerable, when any normal partner would have taken care of you instead.
This is not your fault and you did not deserve this.
[Love Is Respect is a great organization for youth and young adults](https://www.loveisrespect.org/) with tons of resources for unhealthy and abusive relationships, including safety plans and a helpline.
I am so sorry.
This is messed up. It was in no way consensual, and he showed you absolutely no respect, love or consideration.
Thats assault.you couldn’t consent he is disgusting and please run. I got insanely drunk in Vegas you know what my fiance did? Walked me across multiple hotels holding my throw up cup got me to our room gave me a trash can and water. Which is what should’ve happened for you! Asking your partner to cuddle doesn’t in any way correspond to sex. I’m so sorry love ❤️
Ya that was a sexual assault. You cannot give consent in the state you were in. If he’ll do it once, he will do it again.
You were raped. Please seek resources.
That is not okay in any reality. He didn’t even care in what state you are at all. He didn’t check on you, give you water, checked in on you regularly (checking as example if you are not going to choke on your own vomit, if your vitals went down, ..).
He just saw the opportunity to RAPE you. You were far too drunk to give consent and he literally used you as you described your little memory from that moment.
I would press charges against him for sexual assault at least when not even for rape. And break up with him immediately. It’s not save to be around him for you. And get an restraining order against him. If he does that he can do worse as he clearly shows that he doesn’t give a fuck about your wellbeing.
Leave your shared apartment and move in with a friend or family member and stay there. O unsupervised meetings with him.
Good luck and hopefully you can get away and doing well afterwards.
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Edit: I was curious about what Chat GPT would say about it and copied your text into it. When even a AI can tell that- then you clearly have to take measurements against your boyfriend. This is the AI‘s response:
The situation you described raises significant concerns, especially about consent and how your boyfriend handled the situation. There are a few key points to consider:
1. **Consent and Intoxication**: Consent is a crucial aspect of any sexual encounter, and it’s important to understand that a person who is extremely intoxicated may not be in a position to give proper, enthusiastic consent. Even if you didn’t resist or seemed to participate, your level of intoxication as you described it—blacking out, throwing up, and having difficulty moving or thinking clearly—could mean that you weren’t fully capable of consenting to sex.
2. **His Response to Your Intoxication**: Instead of ensuring you were safe and cared for, your boyfriend initiated sex when you were in a vulnerable state. Afterward, he left without ensuring you were okay, leaving the door unlocked and not even providing basic care like water. This behavior is troubling and suggests a lack of consideration for your well-being.
3. **Minimizing the Situation**: His response the next day—focusing on his embarrassment rather than addressing the sex or your well-being—can be seen as dismissive. His explanation that you asked him to cuddle doesn’t necessarily justify his actions, especially given your level of intoxication.
4. **Your Feelings**: The fact that you’re feeling uneasy and have flashbacks that make you question what happened is important. Trust your instincts and feelings. If something feels off, it’s worth paying attention to that.
This situation is concerning, and it’s important to consider your feelings of discomfort seriously. It may be helpful to talk to a trusted friend, counselor, or professional to further process what happened and determine what steps to take next. Your well-being and safety should be the priority.
On my question about the legal side of it ChatGPt also classified his assault as rape as you were unable to give consent and were in a incapacitated state.
What he did is absolutely Not ok!! As someone who’s been in a similar situation when I was younger, what he did was flat-out rape. There’s no explanation he can give that will make it ok. Asking him to cuddle is not asking him to have sex with you when you were obviously Not in any mental capacity to consent or even be coherent enough to stop him. Would he have even Told you that y’all had sex if you hadn’t said anything, it would be have figured he got away with it & just planned on continuing to rape you every time you drank too much & couldn’t deny him.
If you are not okay with what happened, then it’s not okay.
I don’t like the way he punishes you for making a mistake. Being embarrassed, sure, but at least take care of you bare minimum.
I went out to eat with my partner and her grandparents while on vacation, and had vacation constipation but bared through it. She wanted to walk on the beach after so I pushed thru but it hit me and I had to keel over in public. Things happen!!
No matter how drunk you were that’s no excuse to violate you, leave you vulnerable with no water, and open to intruders. Do not date people that retaliate a mistake with putting you in danger. This is the kind of person who would leave you abandoned on the side of the road in a sketchy area without your phone. Not worth it.
Okay, I understood him being upset cause you were pretty irresponsible.
After reading what he did though. That’s not even disgusting it’s much more beyond that, it’s straight sociopathic. He kinda left you to die. No water, door unlocked, you’re as vulnerable as you can be? He raped you as well even if you didn’t mind it, that was not an appropriate time for him to do that at all.
Please, break up with him and stay very far away from him. You quite literally could have died.
My heart dropped reading this. Man…
I cannot imagine my boyfriend doing something so vile and disgusting and criminal to me. This is NOT OK. Please please please please trust yourself on this. What he did was sexually assault you. If you took him to court, you would have a case, and if it wasn’t for how shitty the criminal justice system is towards rape victims, you would have a chance. I am so sorry he did this to you. I am so sorry that he tried to turn it on you by saying it was because you asked to cuddle. You should get as far away from this man as possible. He does not love you. He does not respect you as a human being and romantic partner. Someone who criminally assaults you does not love you. You deserve better than this. No one deserves this.
Look up laws regarding sex and consent-and what constitutes as being ***unable to give consent.*** This is where you will see this is legally rape. I would end it with him, and discuss this matter with a therapist.
You were raped. I’m sorry. But you need to end things and need to think if you want to take things further than that
A decent person would have stayed with you to make sure you were safe. It’s not hard to choke to death on vomit when drunk, and you had already vomited earlier. Theoretically he’s your partner, and should want to help you and take care of you.
And then there’s the issue of the rape. Does he care about you at all? He seems horrible.
You can easily do better than this clown.
You didn’t consent and weren’t capable of consenting, it’s rape.
>something wrong with this situation
Yeah, very wrong.
>this is messed up
You said it.
he had sex with you and you never said yes. on TOP of you being intoxicated. none of the context ultimately matters. This alone is not okay.
He raped you and then left you completely vulnerable for anyone to come into your house while you were incapacitated. He is evil for that and you deserve so much more.
No that isn’t ok. You aren’t in the right state to consent.
This was date rape, and I am so sorry you experienced this. You do not need to protect him, his feelings, or his reputation. You do not owe him kindness or understanding. This was nonconsensual and illegal behavior.
My ex boyfriend would always wait til I fell asleep to do things to me and I was a bad heavy sleeper and he knew this. I know because I’d sometimes wake up to him doing it to me and he’d stop real fast and act all normal like nothing was going on and I guess I was so in shock I didn’t know what to say or do. He was also abusive to me. I pray you leave him cause that was not ok what he did! And he left your door unlocked!? Wow smh
He took advantage of you when you were completely out of it and he wasn’t. Asking to cuddle and asking for sex are two entirely different things, and by the sounds of it you weren’t asking for sex.
I may be wrong but it’s weird and a red flag to me that when you asked him why he did that, he said he was embarrassed by your behaviour, like he knew what he did was wrong and trying to excuse it by saying he did it because he was embarrassed.
Not only were you drunk, you were completely black out. He wasn’t. Unfortunately this is a situation where you can’t coherently consent, and he took advantage of your state and the situation. I hate to say it, but to me what he did is rape, and it seems to me like he’s aware of it (obviously I may be wrong though).
I want to echo what some other people have mentioned here and say that this is in no way your fault.
This is not your fault.
I hope you’re doing okay now, and that you’re able to get out of this situation. You deserve someone who looks after you and shows their love for you.
Sending love and hugs
I don’t care if he was embarrassed, all he had to do was put you to bed, give you some water, possibly food, make sure you would be okay and then talk to you about it later when you were better and let you know how it made him feel. His behaviour in this situation is abhorrent and inexcusable and I suggest getting out of there as soon as you can.
Yes this is 100% ma’am, and I’m so sorry you had to experience that. You should end all contact with that man since he clearly didn’t care about you nor your well being. You sound like a kind person and he sounds like the type to take advantage of that. Stay strong and safe, and if he tries something make sure you’re recording him to send to law enforcements.
You were raped. You were so drunk that you were vomiting, and your memory was spacy. You couldn’t consent even if you wanted to. He raped you. You were asking him to cuddle and comfort you, not rape you. It’s not okay. It’s never okay. I hope you’re okay and you do what you need to do
I can only repeat what everyone else is saying. This is at best sexual assault, and at worst rape, I am not 100% on the difference in the legal definitions of these. As far as the other stuff I was once this intoxicated, my bf at the time drove me home made sure I was in a good position, so I didn’t choke on vomit sat by my side all night and made a waffle house run in the morning. That is how a good partner handles this situation. Run far and run fast from this dirt bag.