This is lengthy, I am sorry. I got off work yesterday and when I got home my wife (45F) and myself (40M)went out back lit up cigarettes and she told me she wants a divorce, we will be married 3 years in November. This is my first marriage, second for her. There was some talking but it ended in me telling her I needed a definitive choice. I told her how I felt, how I wanted to work on us, both through individual counciling and marriage counciling. Then I just fell apart in our room while she watched TV and talked with her family. Later in the night she said she would try counciling.
This morning she came to the room and we got into a argument. We really went at it. She eventually shut the door and stormed off. We both have issues and both of our prior relationships were with abusive partners. My ex mentally and financially abused me. Her ex was physically and mentally abusive to her. He ended up cheating on her and marrying the woman he cheated on her with. I have issues with guilt and I get overly defensive because of what my ex put me thru.
I hold resentments towards my wife because of things she has done. She is an abusive alcoholic when she is drunk. But she is a wonderful and amazing woman when sober. We had a good intimate relationship that has dropped off with time. Mainly I think because of my resentments and issues I have previously mentioned and will mention.
She spent a lot of time unemployed but making promises to help elevate pressure off me by getting work. She would but it would only last a few weeks to under a month. She does help handle household affairs because I hate dealing with some issues thanks to my previous relationship. But in the end we are still swimming in debt no matter how much I work. Yet she blows money on unessesary stuff or uses it for stuff that isn't nessesary at the moment. Also money disappears from our joint account into a venmo she solely has access to. Meanwhile our joint account was originally my account. (I know I was dumb for not having something solely for me to save in).
We have a lot of issues individually. I have no doubt that is what brought this on. But I have been working on getting myself straight with individual counciling, Psychologists, Psychiatrist, etc. But it I feel like I am the only one trying to get myself better. She just seems to do enough to get benzos and call it a day. Or I am not seeing work that is being done. I am by no means saying I am perfect, I got a nice bit to work through and still fix.
Long story short. I feel like I am the only one that wants to save us. She says she loves me like a wife should love a husband. But she also, in the same 2 days tells me that she is better off alone. I get a mixed bag of things to process, but I am in one day not part of the equation, but she loves me so much. She seems set in stone.
Again I am not a saint. I have work to do on myself but, am I grasping at straws? I am so confused, sick, hurt, and completely lost. Should I just deal with the divorce? I am sorry but I just don't know what to do.