me F19 and my boyfriend M20 have been together for over a year. we've never had any major problems, except for my boyfriend's sex drive. he has a far higher one than me, but it's never been too much of an issue.
a few months ago we were about to have sex, and i changed my mind and said i didn't want to. he kind of persuaded me into it, and we ended up doing it. although this didn't feel great for me at the time, i thought that maybe i did actually want to do it and his words made me realise that.
last night though, i changed my mind. we got back to his flat from a festival at midnight, and i made several comments about how i was tired and didn't want to have sex. we both got ready for bed, and i was ready to go to sleep when he started shaking. i thought he was cold, so i asked him if he was ok and he said that he gets like that when he needs to come. i kind of laughed and tried to sleep but he kept bringing it up, and talking about how uncomfortable he was. he was also making the whole bed shake with his trembling.
eventually i decided to make him come so that i could go to sleep. he asked multiple times if we could have penetrative sex, and i said no all those times. although he eventually listened to me and let it drop, im concerned by how many times i had to say no for him to pay attention.
he made me come once by touching me, then kept trying to touch me and i pushed his hand away. by the time he came, it was about 1:30am and i was exhausted.
after he finished, i felt completely used and disgusted. i feel like he coerced me into making him come and essentially guilt tripped me into it. this isn't the first time he's complained about how horny he is to persuade me to have sex with him even though i didn't want to.
last night has kind of put the whole thing in perspective for me, and i'm wondering what to do next. we had a conversation where he said 'im not that kind of guy, i don't do stuff like that, ill never let it happen again' but im really not sure what to think.
after he dropped me off, i went to my best friend's house and had a panic attack in her living room because i felt so horrified about the evening.
i really can't tell if i am blowing things out of proportion and they're not actually that bad, or if he sexually assaulted me.
i've been crying all day about it, and i just really don't know if i should end things with him, or if i want to work past it, or if it's even as bad as i think? i really love him, but this might be too big to overcome.
please help me
xxx