I'm a 28-year-old man. The girlfriend I thought I’d spend the rest of my life with dumped me a year ago, and it made me rethink many aspects of my life. I’m over her now, and I’m actually seeing someone new, but that rethinking still lingers.
I’m not in a committed relationship, I have an okay engineering job that I feel neutral about, most of my friends are either moving to other cities or spending more time with their partners, I don’t own any property, and I don’t really have any long-term goals.
Years ago, I thought by my late 20s, everything would be falling into place: I’d have a job with good growth potential, I’d be on the verge of getting married and planning to start a family in my early 30s, I’d be living in a city I love, and I’d be highly motivated. But here I am, just going with the flow and letting life pass me by.
I’m not sad or happy—I just am. However, I’m scared I’m missing key moments in my life. Most of my friends are getting married, securing good jobs, and moving with their partners to start new lives. I know it sounds ridiculous because I’m only 28, but is it becoming too late?
18 comments
There are no guarantees in life. Other than death and taxation. You’re going to have to continue to make conscious decisions that move you closer to your goals. It’s easier said than done.
At your age l, I was married, we had a child, bought a house and things seemed to be trending well. 8 years later we now had two children and got divorced. I’m essentially starting over again with more baggage but also lessons learned.
>I’m not sad or happy—I just am.
Yeah, that’s how it is starting around that time. Pick a goal and work towards it. Sounds like a partner is important to you and you have a decent enough job. Time to get out there.
I think late 20s is ambitious. Probably mid 30s you should see the path.
Are you saving for retirement? Still working out? Have a hobby or two? Not addicted to anything?
You have time, but eventually you need a plan.
It’s only too late if you decide it’s too late. I was in the same position as you at 28 and decided to put things in place rather than wait for them to fall in place. When you compare yourself to others, it may seem like things are just falling into place for them because you don’t see their day to day, but it’s likely they are putting in the work.
You have to put in the effort, it is rare that key moments will just happen for anyone.
No one will know, every person in this world has it owns timings, so you just keep going.
If you’re not sad or happy, just living in the moment and standing your ground, then I think you’re doing great buddy.
> I know it sounds ridiculous because I’m only 28, but is it becoming too late?
Too late for what? Be in a boy band? Yes.
Do you, when you use your rational mind (you’re an engineer) really think it’s too late to create a good life for yourself? If so, for what reasons? Try to express them here; I think it could be a good exercise for you to see how your thinking has gone off the rails.
I definitely know where you’re coming from. I remember having similar thoughts in my 20s. TBH I’m 40 now and just starting to feel like I’m figuring things out a little bit. The solution hasn’t looked at all like what I thought it would at 28 either. You’ve got your whole life to grow. I get the worry about it but try not to stress too much. Happiness is a state of mind, not a state of conditions.
>I don’t really have any long-term goals.
You need to fix this ^ first, or you’ll never get this:
>Years ago, I thought by my late 20s, everything would be falling into place: I’d have a job with good growth potential, I’d be on the verge of getting married and planning to start a family in my early 30s, I’d be living in a city I love, and I’d be highly motivated. But here I am, just going with the flow and letting life pass me by.
Late 20s, in general, you start to get an idea of what you actually want and set goals to achieve it. By mid to late 30s all the tumblers drop into most of the right places for those goals.
I reset my entire life at 28 after a divorce with a cheating wife.
Moved across the country, new job, new hobbies. it helped and now my life is even better than I originally planned.
Shit happens, the quicker you dust yourself off and start looking at unexpected changes or unmet goals as opportunities the sooner you can move onto those things.
One thing for sure : there’s no perfect answer. Everyone’s different. Don’t worry too much about where you stack up against others. There’s always a bigger fish.
I hope that helps !
I think your twenties are overly ambitious, personally. Maybe back a couple of generations when people got jobs with retirement and would work somewhere for twenty plus years would have been more common, but today is a vastly different world.
I had no plan in my late twenties, I was literally floundering. It was around my mid-thirties that things started to fall in line for me. Even then, the direction I felt was different from what matters today to me.
Things will happen in time, man. Don’t beat yourself up because your friends are doing x, y, or z. Life happens when it happens.
Unless you’re really lucky, life doesn’t just “fall into place.” It’s like throwing puzzle pieces in the air and expecting them to be complete when they hit the ground.
Living is like being in a car that’s always moving forward regardless of whether or not you’re at the steering wheel. If you just go with the flow and don’t have an active destination in mind, you’re going to end up spinning in circles, or ten years down the road you look around and wonder how you ended up where you are.
You’re certainly not too late since it doesn’t sound like you’ve driven off the side of the road and ended up in a ditch, but you should definitely start thinking about where you want to go (married/family/city) and how to get there.
It’s much better to have this epiphany where you are now than later in life when going with the flow has led you into dark places.
(I think the first couple decades of kids’ lives are like playing a game where you’re set on rails — everything is decided for you and your next step is always decided or enforced by someone else, and then when you get thrust into an open world sandbox we’re all *surprised pikachu* when they have no idea what to do next. They’ve never had the chance to develop those skills or even been encouraged to figure things out for themselves. It’s always shut up and sit down and do what you’re told and listen to the teacher.)
I’m 35 and still figuring it out. Only finally getting my first solo apartment this week
Everyone’s on their own path. I didn’t have my first committed relationship or partner who I cohabitated with until a month before my 30th birthday. I didn’t have a solidified career and professional career path til I was about 32. I still have never left my home town.
Just wanted to say that, being 29 years old, I’m pretty much in the same position than you (not in Spain but in Argentina :p).
I broke up three years ago with a girl I loved a lot, since then I’ve been trying but it has been unrequited or I didn’t fall for the girl at the end.
I got a nice job that lets me save some money, and I’m learning two languages just to have a hobby, leave my house, and don’t play so many videogames.
I don’t know what to do with my life though, I’m just a coasting through. However, I believe it would be wrong for a girl or something else to give meaning to my life. I have to find it on my own. Perhaps create something? I don’t know.
At least I have some friends in town and I’m close to my family. It is what it is.
Mucha suerte hermano!
Life doesn’t just ” come together ” unlessy ou’re born into wealth and I think one of the worst lies we tell people is that ” things always work out ” . Life gets better when you strategize and prioritize to make it better, Opportunities may come your way but even then it’s your job to leap on and make the most of them .
28 isn’t too late to change your life, nor is 35, or45 but the longer you don’t prioritize the more you open yourself to sitting with whatever your current lot is and that’s not a bad thing but only if you know what you want. If what you have is enough then you’ve won the lottery man, congratulations , but if you want more you need to start setting goals and considering plans to achieve more.
It took until my early 30s for the pieces to start falling into place for me. I’m 46 new and have an amazingly satisfying life.
Hang in there
No one ever talks about the following facts of life:
– For most people, your life from 0-25 is relatively care free and relatively happy.
– The next 25 years are often the hardest you’ll face: finding a job / starting a career, seeking out a life partner, creating and nurturing a family and facing the realities of financial demands.
– If you can make it past this 25 year window, life gets much easier: right around 45-55 years old, the careen is established, the partner is either fully in or fully gone, the kids are spreading their wings and the debts are starting to dissipate. And that happiness you felt in the first 25 years of life usually finds its way back to you.
To this end, keep those timespans in mind. Things may suck at 28, but that suck is a variable window that will change and hopefully dissipate in a little over a decade.
Life is the long game; play it accordingly.