This is the place to put any shower thoughts, your complaints/rants about dating, ask for quick advice, serious and (sometimes not) questions and anything else that might not warrant a post of its own.
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Modern day dating explained: [here](https://www.instagram.com/reel/C-sXHL_OKto/?igsh=NjVjcWNmY3Z4OWU3)
Me and this girl ended things after the 3rd date. The 3rd date consisted of her spending the weekend at my place and we hung out, out and about. We just wernt feeling a connection. She was super quiet and didn’t say much. I can only lead the conversation so much. Anyways, after she would drink, she would be much better with conversations and communication in general.
It’s a bummer but for the best. I’m typically the type of guy who catches feelings quick but there was just nothing this time. Never felt like that before.
Also, it felt a bit off that she wanted me to get my masters and to get braces for my teeth as they are slightly not straight. Before evening getting to know me.
Having to cut off people as an adult, while necessary at times, is a shitty experience. Even if it is for the best, in the long-term, it never fails to make me feel like an asshole.
For instance, I have a (completely platonic) friend that I’ve known for a number of years who has recently begun telling me things like, “I think about you while I have sex with my partner.” They also continually choose to act like we’re in a relationship and we most certainly are not; I’ve made it abundantly clear that I’m not into this person and have established a firm ‘no’ boundary.
I think that any potential partner would feel super uncomfortable knowing I chose to remain friends with someone who couldn’t respect my basic boundaries. In addition to the weird sexual/relationship comments.
Overall it’s for the best, but I’m going to feel like 💩 because of it.
Thanks for coming to my TED talk, as always. 🧙🏿🧙♂️🧙🏾♀️🧙♂️🧙🏿🧙♂️🧙♂️
People over 30 how do you find your significant other!
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I feel like no men are really interested in me and I don’t know why. I’m just going to focus on myself.
I am having a hard time letting go of my latest connection. I wrote earlier about it being a classic love-bomb, pushed for physical intimacy right away and then backed off just wanting to “go with the flow”. I feel proud that I caught on to it relatively early and that I stated how I felt, but now I have this lingering ick about how he probably thinks I’m crazy? What is that? Why do I even care? When I think about how he acted, how many red flags he showed (and I ignored), I am like girl you did the right thing cutting this off even if you could have handled yourself better in the conversations. I kind of over texted him when I ended it trying to be understood. So maybe that’s part of it. I still wanted validation. But does anyone know how to stop this thought pattern?
The short term relationship ending is sinking in and I’m super hurt. I’m 37F and am really worried I’ll never find my person or have the family I want so bad. But I’ll also never settle. I guess I just need hope and optimism it’ll happen for me in this lifetime.
Had two dates, then got friend zoned the next day because he said I reminded him of his mom 🙃 but I slept with him on the second date so I guess that’s my bad.
Came here to say hang in there with OLD!! Spent 1.5years going on sooo many dates. Some days I felt like I would truly never meet a good match. In May I went on a first date with someone- it was a nice date but nothing that gave me any butterflies or sparks, but the person had nice qualities and I was willing to give it a shot. We’ve now made it official and everything is going so well. I was so burned out from dating when we met and they’ve reminded me that there are really good people out there searching for the same things you’re looking for. Keep going!!!
Date 10 tomorrow ☺️ Only one date per week is kinda hard but it comes with the territory of dating a doctor, especially his specialty which is particularly demanding, and he’s worth it. So worth it.
I feel I’m kind of torturing myself with the thought that I might never achieve my dream. A life with someone by my side who understands me. Living in a nice apartment you need two incomes for. Doing our respective things but being there for each other. Double income, no kids; the “high life”.
Since the last time a few weeks ago (she was taken anyway), it’s rare for me to meet someone I click with on a certain level. So this is an open variable.
I don’t exactly dare live a rich and fulfilling life for myself because it might just end like the last time – being cheated on and blamed because I could not commit 100% of my time to my partner. I had already lost friends to a lack of “free time” by that point. I don’t want to get used to being able to do the things I want and then have to give them up again for someone else.
In summary… being “happily in love” was the best thing that ever happened to me. Like a drug rush. Increased my performance all across the board in my entire life. I want it back..
Are you in a “good” state to be dating? What does that feel like?
After leaving a long-term relationship several years ago, I decided to avoid dating seriously again until I had improved other aspects of my life. I made a big, daunting checklist and now that I’m somehow mostly through it, it’s feeling insufficient. The road of self-improvement is endless, and there are always new and inventive ways to critique yourself. It feels strange to choose an arbitrary point and say, “yep, that’s a dateable human” when there is always more work that could be done.
Life also seems to happen more quickly as we age. Responsibilities come faster, with more weight. Parents grow old and infirm, and pass. Work stressors add-up, and friendships change. It feels unfair or unwise to become entangled in new relationships when there’s so much to divide your attention.
For context, I ask this question because I find myself weirdly hesitant to swipe on people in dating apps, even known matches. A lot of this likely boils down to self-confidence, but I think there’s also a reticence to finding myself in a similar position as my last relationship. In some ways, I’m still trying to escape the myopic self-image created by a toxic partner, even though that person never met who I am today.
I’m content to take things extremely slowly, but dating apps don’t really work without intentionality. I’m not looking for a perfect person, so it isn’t fair to impose that standard on myself, but I’ve made it a personal mission to minimize harm in dating, to both myself and others.
I suppose this is some variation of the “porcupine’s dilemma”.
Notorious LDQ and I had a more involved “what are you looking for” talk last night. It felt really good, we’re both seeing some long term potential but neither of us are ready to date date. So we’re just gonna go slow and keep seeing other people and see how it all unfolds.
He also called me “absolutely beautiful” which I’m going to float on for a good portion of the day.
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My boyfriend and I said I love you to each other for the first time this past weekend 🙈 I’m happy and I thought a lot about saying it beforehand, but I have relationship OCD and now my stupid brain is trying to make me question if it was too soon (3.5 months), if I really love him, etc.
Has anyone experienced those feelings before? Would love to find some comfort so I can just really enjoy this moment I’ve been so excited for!
My gf hates my ex wife because of how I handled certain things. I tried to remain friends when there was no need and that caused a lot of friction in my new relationship.
Anyways we have moved past that (still a sore topic), but while organizing some stuff I found some legal documents that belong to my ex wife so I gotta meet her to hand them over.
But I don’t want to trigger anything with my gf, I’m struggling between just saying it as it is. Or just quickly meeting the ex wife on my way to work give her the documents and be on my way.
Got a soft rejection this weekend and Im sad about it. I feel like my timing in life and love is so off.
I’m tempted to vent to friends about this slightly awkward situation with my coworker liking me on Hinge.
But, I know that all of my friends will say stuff like oh it’s not that bad, you should go for it, it’s not awkward, he seems nice etc etc. and make me feel bad for not wanting to go through with it!
Like I get where they’re coming from – I always have no options and I’m always talking about how I want to date someone who’s more familiar who I have mutual friends with etc. And I do REALLY want a relationship. But also, I end up feeling pressured into going through with situations I don’t really feel comfortable with and that is really frustrating. Like, I want a relationship but I want my friends to be *reminding* me of my boundaries and standards, not encouraging me to settle for things that I’m actively not ok with.
I honestly wish I could just meet someone I like and feel comfortable with! I feel like I’m *constantly* in situations where I have to compromise and push through some form of discomfort (whether it’s something like this situation, or I’m just not that into the person but my friends push me to keep giving it a chance, or my friend wants me to date someone who lives in another state, or they’re 20 years older to me) and I’m like, is it really supposed to be like this? Is it THIS hard to meet someone who is attractive to me, age-appropriate, and not a coworker? Sigh.
I think I went on one of the best dates I’ve ever been on yesterday. I’m trying to play it cool and not put too much hope into it, but date one and I really like him. Send help.
Guy I briefly dated earlier this year who I really really hit it off with called it off as going through an objectively bad and stressful divorce and was just not ready to get serious. It was totally unexpected like one minute on the phone planning our next date and a few hours later after he had a terrible day negotiating with his ex and lawyers he said he couldn’t do a relationship with anyone right now. Said I was amazing, wishes he was in a different place so we could continue blah blah, would be back in touch when things were better. I have now seen him back on the apps. I know his divorce continues to be terrible and is not over (we have a mutual acquaintance). Just makes me feel like shit. I had a feeling he was giving the bs not ready line when it ended, but was holding out a little bit of hope.
Quick question more for advice than anything else, I am 31M and I am longing to get into a relationship. I have joined Tinder, Bumble and eHarmony but I feel I should be doing more face-to-face then all online. I don’t suppose anyone has and advice or guides on what I’m to do?
Guy I had a great connection with at a party (in which our mutual friend was trying to set me up with another one of his single friends) had a bday today so I just sent a simple IG message wishing him a happy birthday. Pretty sure he is seeing someone, but if I do make a new friend in him I will greatly appreciate it. Love my friends but I do like meeting new people.
Other than that I’m just trucking along. Work has been insane so far this week. Thankful for the 3 day weekend coming up
Sigh – paused my Hinge profile. I lasted all of 2.5 weeks or so before it got to be too emotionally hard to deal with. On the other hand, I am trying to be proud of myself for (1) getting back on the app at all after 6 months off, and (2) listening to my body/stress levels and pausing instead of forcing myself to continue. Maybe I will be better off going in really short bursts of a couple weeks at a time instead of months at a time.
if you are going to a trip together early in the relationship and need to stay overnight (no sex yet) in a hotel, if the other person wants a separate room, would you pay for it? I am totally fine paying for one room (2 beds).
How do you interpret someone leaving their political affiliation blank on Hinge?
she likes to text a lot during my work hours but always asks if I am busy in case she is disturbing me. while I am not super busy but can’t really keep texting.. what’s a good way to not tell her I can’t text a lot but still show I am interested?
Is it worth paying for bumble premium? I’m 41F and searching for 37-50M and there are SO many guys who still want kids. Its mind blowing! I am not the one for them. Besides that and the guys looking for casual / physical stuff its hard to sift thru guys who actually want the same thing as me.
Looking for some support and advice. Get ready for a book, guys.
I’ve been dating this guy for a few months, things have been going great for the most part. We get along very well. We’re on the same page about almost everything. It feels easy, natural. Neither of us had butterflies at the beginning, which we talked about being because of how intentional we are during early stage dating. It’s not just about attraction, but compatibility. I believe that the intense feeling of butterflies in my stomach is from hot-cold behavior or unhealthy tendencies more than a spark. I do find him attractive, and I’m excited when I see him, but it’s not that intense feeling from will he, won’t he? behavior that I’ve felt from lovebombers in the past. I thought he seemed stable and sweet, so I didn’t question if he would be up for another date early on. It just felt like we both would continue because had a natural bond. He expressed the same feelings to me, too.
Recently, however, he shared more concerning feelings. Last week, we were talking more about defining the relationship, and I asked him about his hesitations because I felt like he was holding back a bit, which I’ll explain more later. He then called our relationship boring. Literally those words. He acknowledged that this is one of those irrational thoughts he’s been working through because he thinks we’re great together and it’s all going well. He has had long term relationships before, so I don’t think he’s afraid of commitment. He also said that he doesn’t feel like I’m boring, or that our relationship is bad, but he wonders why there aren’t any butterflies and if that’s a problem. I thought we were both on the same page, and he said that this is a stronger thought for him because he feels like we work so well together, better than anyone he’s ever met before. He said this is more of a him problem than an us problem and wanted to share because I could tell something was off. I understood what he was saying, but I’ve been feeling sad since our conversation. I can’t get his words or fears out of my head. We’ve talked about it and will talk about it again on our next date, but I just feel so sad and boring. I’m like a ghost of myself. I don’t feel like I’m boring, so it’s not like he hit a nerve, but I’m worried that he doesn’t like me or find me attractive because he’s searching for that spark.
For the record, I asked because I felt like he was holding back a little, as we haven’t been progressing in our relationship. We’re usually on the same page, so I tried to bring up the topic gently weeks ago, but he gently shut them down. For example, last month he brought up a story about his friends and asked me not to tell them that I know this story. This made me think that he’s getting more serious, so the next time he brought up how he was going to a bar with his friends, I asked about joining in. He has both male and female friends, so it wasn’t just a bro night. He said that we’re heading in that direction, but not yet. Ok fair, I’m ok with waiting a little, and he has expressed that he likes to move slow because he’s afraid of getting hurt, but reassured me that we’re serious. We’ve been exclusive since early on, and in the past few days, he has expressed interest in having me meet his friends.
Also, some of the things he brought up during our boring relationship conversation felt like he was talking about himself, not me. Like he’s been worried that I’m not bringing up deeper discussions and thinks I might be avoiding them, but I think we’ve both been good at bringing up more serious topics. The difference might be that I feel like those topics have been resolved after one or two talks, whereas he needs to talk about it multiple times before it feels settled. I honestly believe that he’s projecting his own fears onto me. We’ve talked about attachment styles before and I feel very secure. He thinks he’s secure but has some avoidance tendencies, which I see are coming out now.
How bad is it, guys? I can’t really tell from the inside. I’ve been talking to my friends about this, and it’s really mixed. I think the next time we talk will provide more clarity, but I’ve been sad and on edge since we first talked about this last week.
Feeling bummed because I was having a great conversation with someone on Tinder over the weekend but now they seemed to have unmatched me after they suggested we do something. I’m so frustrated with dating! I just want to meet my person and be done with it 😫
I can’t help but wonder if it was something that I did to make him want to cease dating me.
We’d been seeing each other for two months when he brought up the fact he was planning to move to NY at the start of next year. I already knew this as he had talking about it since our first date. BUT he said in his mind he wasn’t sure. He went to New York for three weeks in July and when he came back, I noticed a pull away in his energy.
We were still going on weekly dates, but I think I was initiating more.
Ending our dating relationship, he said he wasn’t sure if he was making the right decision calling time on us, but he realized he shouldn’t be dating at all right now (he then updated his OLD profile 48 hours later with a new short term relationship dating intention). He also asked if us dating still felt romantic to me as it had started to possibly feel platonic for him.
Do you think he just wasn’t attracted to me in the end and his suggestion of friendship – should I go for it or not?
Feeling like I’m back to my mindset at 30. Wanting love but backing away from the costs. I can’t even fathom building up a relationship with someone new. Feeling a bit bitter that him and I couldn’t make it to cuffing season, had so many things planned for fall but for yet another year I’ll be doing them all by myself 🥲
Has been quiet between me and my situationship (I don’t intitiate anymore and he doesn’t seem keen to either), but today he messaged me with the question whether I knew someone who would be willing to buy his ticket to the show we booked to go to together a few months ago. Made me quite relieved in a way, as while I want to go I didn’t feel like going through the awkwardness that has been between us lately (as he refuses to communicate properly). So this makes me actually feel like I can go and be excited about the show without any potential drama.
Any women here with experience of being in a committed relationship with guys 5-15 years younger whilst in their late thirties? Any thoughts or considerations to take into account?
I’m a 38F dating a 29M (9 year age gap). We know each other through a mutual hobby and we’ve spent a lot of time together before dating. He has been pursuing me and comes across as remarkably mature, intelligent and emotionally aware. He wants a serious relationship but the age gap weighs on my mind. Thanks!
It’s been a while since I’ve dipped into the dating pool, and I’m feeling a bit lost on where to start. The whole online dating scene didn’t work out for me in the past—too many encounters that were more about casual hookups than genuine connections. I haven’t touched those apps in years, and I’m really seeking something more authentic.
But here’s the thing: I feel like I’m often overlooked in social settings, and when I do get approached, it’s usually by men who are much older than me—like 15-20 years older. How do I navigate this and find a way to meet someone who’s on the same wavelength as me.
Any advice on where to start or how to change things up?
Just got out of a long term relationship, and while I am feeling worried because I’m 33, and of course all my friends are married and with kids – for the first time, I feel really optimistic.
I’m not really scared of being forever alone. And after this relationship, I learned so much about myself …. The main thing being, I’m ready to find a husband.
It feels scary for me to say this. I was raised by divorced parents, all in my 20s went through the “I don’t need commitment” thing and got hurt so much.
And I realized my last relationship started the same way. I was always worried about scaring him off by being too “into him” or was scared to initiate the amount of communicate I truly wanted, and you know what – I ended up with an avoidant. Big shocker.
And push came to shove, I was showing up, working on things, trying to tackle things together as a team, make compromises – and he was always just angry at me that he wouldn’t get his way. My needs and considerations never truly mattered, because his were always more important than mine.
….both of my parents DIED, and I spent the entire year afterwards apologizing to him for being “too emotional”.
.
.
.
Fuck that. I deserve so much better. I’m excited to date in a few months and yes, kiss a few frogs, but finally find someone who is good to me. I’ve never felt more confident that I deserve better and that I know how to find it now.
I really, really like this guy. He’s told me he’s being cautious. Recently I’m confused if his cautiousness is actually disinterest. He has said he likes me but I am not convinced he likes me enough.. or as much as I like him.
How do Woman feel about guys in their 30’s with little dating and relationship experience?
I’m turning 30 this this month and have always been what some could call chronically single. Throughout my 20’s, I’ve never really had huge success in scoring dates or relationships with woman, for various reasons which in turn, leads me to now having no dating and relationship experience.
I’ve been told by all my friends, and family that I’m authentically a good person, and don’t raise any red flags that they can determine, and I’m not just some proverbial “nice guy”.
It’s just frustrating to me as I enter this next phase in my young adult life, and I still can’t even find my person. I just want to be able to go out and enjoy life and explore the world with my partner, the same way my friends do with their SO before I reach an age where staying inside is more exciting than anything.
I just can’t help but think at this point, most woman will assume something was wrong with me for being single my whole life and end things before it even had a chance.
I said it. The others know. Everyone’s cool with it…for now. Catastrophe avoided.
How and where am I supposed to meet age-appropriate people while traveling? The only non-couples I see are either in their twenties or seventies; the people my age are all couples dragging kids around.
I cut off hot dad. When he came over Saturday night he hadn’t brought condoms (he had a vasectomy years ago)…he apologized and all that but I sent him home after a couple hours. He knew what we were gonna be doing; he wasn’t caught unawares. I spent the last couple days processing it and it just gave me permanent ick. I don’t wanna fuck someone that careless/reckless. And I found a neighbor in my building, who’s also an acquaintance, able to help me put up stuff in my apartment so I don’t need to keep him around at all.
Any advice on how to stay chill when dating someone you really fancy?
In the past I’ve dated plenty of guys that I had to compromise (from my perspective) something on: looks, interests, education etc. Coming from a position of lack, feeling like the man I really want doesn’t exist/is very rare/wouldn’t be into me etc. I quite like the way I am around these guys: being myself, very relaxed, not overthinking.
Recently met a man (had one date, 2nd coming up) who is ticking all the boxes. On the date I even got these thoughts ‘what is he doing with me? He’s way too good looking for me!’ I was pleasantly surprised he seemed to be into me as well, and seemed to be having fun on the date, leaving it up to me to end the date, making an effort to plan a new date. However, as I’m getting excited, I’m also starting to feel myself get tense, not being myself, overthinking my responses over text. The few times I went out with men I really liked this happened as well and in the end it’s always my downfall, they sense I’m not being authentic, I also say things that are maybe a bit awkward. I don’t want to do this again with this guy, he seems really cool, and if it doesn’t work out, I’d prefer it to be because we just didn’t match and not because I fucked it up by acting stupid.
I just want to relax into it, enjoy my time with him, stop these expectations, stop this non-authentic behaviour. Basically be the person I am otherwise. It just seems that my reptile brain isn’t getting the message. Any advice?