i wanted to provide an update to my original post as my boyfriend and i have spoken and sorted things out. on sunday morning, i asked for space to sort out my feelings as i was mentally not doing well after the whole ordeal, and he saw no issue w that. i told him we could check in throughout the day, but i was still very hurt and not ready to talk to him.
this morning, he offered a date night later in the week and i declined until we had a conversation. i told him that his recent actions (selfishness, carelessness, bad communication, stubbornness, manipulation) not only hurt me very deeply, but took me back to a previous place of hurt and trauma as his behaviors were mimicking an ex-boyfriend of mine who caused a serious amount of trauma for me (which is he is aware of). i let him know that these were all serious dealbreakers for me. those actions were harmful to both myself and our relationship, and while I cannot force him to change, that does not mean I have to put up w him not being able to recognize his wrongs and correct them. we talked about everything, and this is how things went:
i started off by telling him my biggest issue is how he seems to only care about himself, and how that selfish act has snowballed into a list of other issues. and the fact that he refused to recognize it, take accountability and apologize, was a very big issue. i felt it was immature, hurtful and not helpful to our relationship. i explained that our relationship cannot be successful if he continues to act the way that he does, and he seemed to understand. i also explained that his crazy-making of me when he’s carless with his actions is manipulative, and i don’t appreciate being told i’m complaining or trying to correct his personality when politely telling him how i feel.
a few things he said in his defense and realized was a horrible mistake on his part:
he claimed that the “guarded” comment came from him feeling as though he had to suffer consequences for actions he never did in regards to my boundaries, and i explained to him that while my boundaries are non-negotiable, they’re not meant to be unfair to him as he is fully aware of why they’re in place. i also let him know that my boundaries are totally healthy, sustainable for our relationship, and are meant for myself, and his responses to my boundaries (ignoring my wishes, making me feel at fault for punishing him) don’t exactly make me feel safe and trusting in him. he explained that he was always coming from a non-malicious place and accepted that he was misusing the term “guarded”, and said he would be more empathic and compassionate going forward. for the sake of transparency on here, said boundaries were a privacy violation (reading my digital journal against my wishes/comfort) and maintaining my own individuality/independence while in a relationship.
he admitted that shutting down twice mid-conversation and muting my notifications was an act of selfishness as he truly felt it was unfair to have his day ruined over a situation he did not care about, nor was very serious. he realized later on how that can lead to me feeling uncared for, and agreed it was a careless, immature thing to do.
he also admitted that his communication skills were poor, and he was wrong to accuse me of dragging out an argument when in reality i was trying to make myself heard while he chose to short-answer me. his reason being that he did not want to be on his phone and felt like his personal wants were much more important than the issue at hand. he did explain himself fully while we spoke and we agreed his lack of communication would have solved the issue quickly.
he spoke to me feeling manipulated and gaslit as well. he apologized and told me he knew he was wrong. his intention wasn’t to make me feel this way and he blamed it on him acting selfishly and choosing not to communicate w me.
as for the actual tweet and questioning, we came to an understanding of differing thoughts on the matter and agreed to do better to help each other. he recognized how that could both annoy and make me feel uncomfortable, and i was understanding of him just wanting to converse.
he recognized full wrongdoing on not apologizing, and sincerely expressed his regret in how things were handled. he told me that once i told him i was feeling distrustful of his words and insecure in being able to have a honest, healthy conversation w him, it made him see things from a different perspective. he told me again that while his intentions were never to upset me or cause me any hurt, he still understands that his behavior was still carried out in a way that upset me, and he was sorry for not realizing it before. my only response to him after this was that i appreciate the apology and him owning up to what he’s done, and that I hope we don’t have to revisit this in the future.
from my understanding of everything he said, i still think i was right in my perception of his actions being rooted in selfishness and carelessness. i don’t believe that’s who he truly is, but more so something he defaults to instead of admitting that he’s wrong bc it’s much easier for him to do. he agreed w me saying this and told me he would do whatever he could to work on it within himself and make sure i don’t continue to deal w that. i let him know that i don’t want to be distrustful of him or view him in any negative way, but only his actions reflect how i feel about him and he understood clearly.
I do feel a bit better after our conversation, but I was very firm in telling him that his words weren’t enough, true accountability means that he follows through on his word; he agreed and vowed to work on the things that cause an issue to me and our relationship. we agreed that both of us are deserving of a love that is kind and happy, and neither of us should have to accept anything less. thank you to everyone who not only read my original post, but this one as well, and to everyone who commented with advice and perspective.
TL;DR: a conversation was had after argument with boyfriend about his actions that upset me and put strain on the relationship.