I (18M) lied about my age to my LDR girlfriend (26F), she found out but I still want to be with her. She is conflicted (rightfully so).

So it started in 2020 when I was playing an online game during the pandemic. I met a guy (27M) who quickly became my best friend (at this time I had little to no friends irl or online). Once he told me his age, I lied about mine and said I was 22, fearful that he wouldn’t be my friend if I told him my real age at the time (16). I didn’t really think it was an issue because my online friendships never lasted more than a few months, so I didn’t think anything would change if I lied about my age. I guess it helped that I have a deep voice and I knew how to act older as I spent a lot of time with my older brother and his friends growing up.

I continued playing games with this guy and eventually we had developed quite a big group of friends that stemmed from just me and him playing together. We jumped from game to game, often playing with each other. Everyone shared their pictures and when it came time for me, I gave them a fake one (I eventually gave them a real one later). I had never had such a good group of online friends before, so I wasn’t used to sharing very much personal information with anyone online.

Later that year in 2020, I met the girl (we’ll call her Serra, who just turned 24 at the time) and she joined our group of friends and became a big part of the group. She was in a relationship at the time, so of course I only looked at her platonically, more like a sister. She had even given me relationship advice at one point as she had been in a few long-term relationships already and more knowledge/wisdom in that department.

I continued playing with this group. When they asked me stuff about my personal life I’d tell them real stories, but age everything in them up so it made sense with my fake age. I lied about my name, job, and age. Everyone in the group thought I had a different name, they thought I worked at some random office (I was actually in highschool), and they thought I was much older than I truly was (at this point they thought I was 23, when I was actually 17). My lies were very believable so they had absolutely no idea I wasn’t being honest. They trusted me.

Eventually in 2021, Serra and I began to talk on a more personal level. We talked about the issues she was having in her current relationship and just life in general. I gave her advice and she did the same. At this point we’d already been friends for over a year and we completely trusted each other. A while after our one-on-one talks, she and her boyfriend broke up, and Serra and I began to spend a LOT more time together. We talked all day and all night. We spent so much time together that eventually when she tried to use a dating app, it felt like cheating for her even though we weren’t together.

We both said that we didn’t really believe in online or LDR relationships, but we were just so compatible on so many levels, we clicked so well and were so happy that eventually, we agreed that we’d give it a shot and be together.. At this point she still believed I was now 24 (I was 18 in reality) and she was 25. So we began spending all our time together as a long distance bf and gf. We’d spend a lot of time together. Everyone in that group of friends knew we were together, and Serra’s IRL friends and some of her family knew about me too.

We had very personal talks. We grew to know each other very well and had the same goals and values. I still lied to her about a few things, such as my age, my job, and my name, but my feelings and the things I wanted from the relationship and my future were 100% the real me talking. We also talked about wanting to meet up in real life, and even made several plans to, which never happened because I kept making up excuses to hide the truth. I would sometimes get guilty and attempt to break up with her, after feeling bad for lying about myself. Only we were very in love with each other, so every time I attempted to end things, we ended up staying together and continuing on in the relationship.

This continued for some time. There were 7 times in total we made plans to meet up which I canceled every time (some of the reasons were legitimate such as me getting covid 2x, but of course we wouldn’t have met either way).

She was the first person I showed my real picture to and she even made me feel confident enough to show the others in the friend group. I webcammed with her and her reaction was immediately that I looked young (which made sense because I was). I just explained that I had a baby face and looked young, and she believed me as she also had a baby face and got mistaken for being younger than she really was. But she still had her suspicions. This led to her wanting to see my ID, so I put a piece of paper over my actual license with a different DOB that matched my fake age, and showed it to her over a webcam. She believed it and the relationship continued.

I often felt guilty for lying. Looking back at it now, I know I should have never lied in the first place, but I can try and explain my thought process. Back then I believed none of my relationships would ever last very long, so if I was dishonest for the brief span of the friendship it wouldn’t matter. But I never expected my friendships with these people to go this far. I never expected to truly connect with these people as much as I did. I never expected to fall in love with Serra. But it all happened, and there was a very big issue. I wasn’t really the person I said I was. I wasn’t a 24 yr old that worked in the office and lived alone, I was an 18 yr old high school student that lived with his mother.

There were times I really wanted to tell the truth to everyone (especially Serra), but I didn’t because I was afraid. I was afraid of losing the greatest group of friends I had ever met. I was afraid to lose the girl I loved more than anyone ever. I saw an actual future with her, I just didn’t know how to approach it because I wasn’t really who I said I was. I continued on with the fake identity because I didn’t want to be alone again like I was for a very long time before meeting them.

Eventually after about 8-9 months with Serra, she finally got suspicious of me due to my multiple meeting cancellations, and looked me up on the internet. It wasn’t hard to find who I really was and who my family really was, because when I told her details about my family over the past 8-9 months of our relationship, I used their real names and just aged them up a few years. She found out everything.

We were webcamming when she confronted me about it. At first I didn’t know what to do. I denied that the stuff she found was true and then went and just lied in bed not knowing what to do. She messaged me over and over but I just layed there. I felt like my whole world was crumbling in on itself. I thought I was going to lose all the relationships with all my online friends I had spent over 2 years building. I knew I was in the wrong entirely and just layed there defeated. Wishing I would’ve just told the truth that the very first time I had the chance.

The next day, I checked my messages and Serra told me she wasn’t mad. She empathized with me and told me she wasn’t mad and that she forgave me. She reassured me over and over that she wouldn’t tell anyone and she would keep this a secret (but that I should tell our friends when I was ready) and that she still cared for me and just wanted me to be happy. She just wanted to know the real me with no more lies–100% honesty like she has been with me from the start. She said she really valued our friendship/connection, despite her being heartbroken and I did too.

That night we played games again, we talked a little bit about my real life, but we just chose to just play games and not think about it all. Just a night of peace after the gigantic bomb that was dropped just the night before, but the feeling was immediately different. The age gap was impossible to ignore at this point. A few days ago I talked about wanting to have a family with her in the next few years. Now, I was talking about homework assignments. It was jarring.

Building up to this, I was sort of able to separate my online identity and my real one. When I got on the internet, I kind of just snapped into that life, where I was 24. When I was in the mindset of my 24 yr old identity, I didn’t feel like I was so much younger. I felt like I was truly the person I made up. It was like I could swap at a moment’s notice. It is difficult to explain.

After this night, there was no more 24 yr old me. That identity was completely out the window. I couldn’t even attempt to put myself into that mindset anymore, because she knew who I really was. Serra was really talking to the real 18 yr old me, not the fake one.

I did a lot of reflecting around this time, and she of course did the same. I felt so bad for the way I lied to her, and even worse for letting it get so far. Serra was even making real life decisions for a future with me, while I kept us a secret to my real friends and family because I didn’t think me and Serra could really work out. (Meanwhile, Serra has been having an identity crisis and is questioning herself constantly, even though I’m the one that tricked her.) I don’t deserve to have Serra in my life and I don’t deserve her forgiveness. But I have it, and we are still spending a lot of time together. I’m very grateful for how things turned out. Serra has been very kind and supportive despite everything, despite me deceiving and hurting her.

We still continue to spend time together, only I am the real me now. She is very understanding and probably gives me far more forgiveness/kindness than I deserve. She still loves me and I still love her. But obviously, things are complicated (and in Serra’s opinion, morally wrong.) We broke up, of course.

Now we are in the present, lost and not knowing what to do. I love her and she loves me, only there’s a big issue. We don’t know what to do from here on. A huge chunk of both of us still wants to be together. Only issue is the huge age gap. She is 26 and I am 18. We are at different stages in life: she has a degree, a job and her own place in a large city. I am in high school and live at home in a small town (though I want to move out as soon as possible). We are very lost on how to proceed. I still have one more year of high school left before I could move to pursue anything more with her, as she is in California and I am in Texas. Not to mention the potential disapproval from people in our real lives.

Before when I was the fake 24 yr old me, it was the distance that we had to navigate (and my own personal guilt). Now it is the distance plus the true age gap. Serra still wants to be with me, but often lets the age gap get in the way and feels she has a moral responsibility to let me “enjoy” my youth and date other girls, travel and be “wild and free” and make “young and dumb mistakes/explore and grow myself” as a young adult. But I don’t want that. And I do want to marry her and have a family with her in a similar time frame that she wants (within the next 5 years). We just don’t know what to do. Yes, I did lie to her about some details, but my feelings and hopes for a future with Serra were 100% genuine. I just don’t know if the age gap really is that big of a deal to people, as we are fully aware an age gap this large, and with the woman being older is very much socially frowned upon. Yes I acknowledge that I catfished her (to an extent – I used real pictures, talked about real experiences etc.) but now that the cat’s out of the bag, I want us to work out for real.

What should we do?

**TLDR – I (18M) lied about my age to a woman (26F) by aging myself up by 7 years. She found out after 9 months of being in a relationship with me (and after 2+ years of friendship) and is conflicted. I still want to be with her and she does as well to an extent, but she thinks it is morally wrong and is afraid of the repercussions. We don’t know where to go from here. Advice is needed.**