Something about sex in a new relationship.

21 comments

1. Honestly, I’m not looking to play level 1 over and over for the rest of my life.

2. Honestly depends what you consider kink or rough. Best to just casually ask what his turn ons are

3. All men are different, there haven’t been any new changes in sex over the last 5 years. You’re going to have to learn to talk to guys about this once things start getting serious in order to find out what they like and let them know what you like. It’s totally fine to decide not to continue seeing someone if you find that your sexual attitudes or preferences differ.

4. Every guy is different just like every woman is different. Find a guy that’s a good match for you – plus If a guy really likes you (for things other than just your body) then he will want you to be comfortable/happy, so just express your needs and concerns to him

5. Sorry to hear about the smoll pp. 😔

   Hoping you are able to find the hot, steamy safe sex you desire 

6. Didn’t read also no one cares also it’s over

7. Experienced doesn’t mean men need crazy stuff to get off or that they desire a certain experience all the time.

   Intimacy and communication is key. If you find the right partner, they are going to understand your concerns and cater to your preferences. Maybe this will limit your partners but, in my opinion, not as much as you might think.

8. Every man is different, some will like it rough, some won’t. Some men have slept with a lot of women, some haven’t.

   I’m in my mid thirties and I’ve only slept with one woman, and that was over 10 years ago.

   Personally, I don’t date, so it’s not happening any time soon. But if I’d change my mind, I’d also prefer a woman who has a low to mid sex drive, and I would be happy with vanilla sex for the most part. I just don’t care for sex tbh.

9. > Would you accept a partner with a Lower sex drive and be gentle or would that rather turn you off completely?

   Infrequent sex where I’m constantly worried about hurting you? Nah, I’ll pass.

10. >So what I’m getting at is, I am scared to get into bed with a new men, in fear off that he has some weird kinks or is rough.

    This is something you talk about with the person you are dating well before you get into bed with them. You need to be honest and straightforward with what you do like, what you are not sure about, and what your hard no’s are. This way there are no surprises when you finally do get to it and both of you are on the same page.

    >Would you accept a partner with a Lower sex drive and be gentle or would that rather turn you off completely?

    Why would it be a turn off? You only know what you like based on someone who didn’t do a whole lot for you. With someone new your sex drive could easily spike, and with a spike in sex drive it could lead to being more adventurous. And neither you or the other person would know unless it moved further along.

    Don’t compare other guys to your first. You can use him as a starting point as you know you liked xyz that he did, but not abc when he did it, but that’s pretty much where it needs to end. Because while you may have not enjoyed abc with him, it doesn’t mean you won’t like abc when someone else does it because they do it differently. On that same coin, just because you liked xyz with him, it doesn’t mean you will like xyz with someone else because they do it differently.

11. Not able to do rough ≠ lower sex drive. Are we to assume both?

    It’s ok, there are different preferences regardless of age groups. But if we’re talking about the average 30 something guy, you might find many men ok with lower frequency of sex because life demands a lot in other areas anyway, but most of us will want a partner at least willing to do more stuff every once in a while. The virginal inexperienced girl experience is nice once or twice, but then we’re done with that.

    Sex is one of those activities in which the malleability of the mind can be most easily applied to. I do some “crazy extreme” stuff with my girl who 10 years ago when we got together was as vanilla and shy as it gets. Now *she* *demands* the crazy stuff and I’m almost the vanilla one in comparison.

    **Let’s stress something: no one has to do anything that the person is not comfortable with, and by mid 30s any man should know to respect your preferences and boundaries.** Having said that, if I was to end my current relationship and look for other girl, I’d either go with:

    -Same age group, able to catch up with where my past girl left when in comes to wild stuff in bed; or,

    -Ten to 15 years younger girl who’s might be inexperienced or more vanilla, but at least her body is living its prime. Yeah, a trophy girl. By late 30s we tend to be stable in life and not want to invest too much time for diminished returns.

    This doesn’t apply to only sex tho. I’m not getting time wasted with drama and *too much insecurity*, unless I’m really getting a girl who’s beyond imagination hot.

    I’ve put the time to build myself up, be in good shape, decent social and wealth position, dealt with my past shit. What are you bringing to the table?

12. *It ain’t the axe, it’s the hands that swing it.*

    A good lover isn’t going to reject a new partner because she might not be a freaky sex machine… because he has the skills to bring out the freaky sex machine in any woman. The painfully obvious problem here is pretty much all men (present self included) overestimate their sexual skill. Or they expect the woman to do the heavy lifting of creating great sex.

    Great sex is tough because you have to know anatomy, have a solid understanding of the psychology of desire, have to have the ability to read complex, subtle behaviors, have to be emotionally-intelligent, empathic, compassionate, and the ability to play with dominance and submission dynamics… all with confidence.

13. I think you need to sleep with someone before becoming exclusive and defining the relationship. Yes sex gets better as you get to know someone and build a relationship but that seems like putting the cart before the horse. Find out what someone is like sexually, have a convo about your likes and dislikes and know if that’s a base you can build on. That’s my two cents.

14. Your fears are unfounded. Everyone is different.

15. It depends on the guy. And then it depends on where that guy’s head is at.

    I was a bit of a fuckboy in my late 20s to my mid-30s. Lots of shenanigans and fun times.

    In my mid-30s I met someone who was into all the crazy kink stuff. After we broke up I’ve been on a dating sabbatical for quite a while. Romance AND sex have just not been a primary driver. But that’s starting to change.

    Now I’m in my early 40s, I’d like to meet someone more for companionship and the occasional debauched night.

    Which is all to say: just communicate with him. Not every guy is a sex mad beast, in fact that’s just a vocal minority.

16. Probably good to have a convo beforehand. For example, I’m a mostly vanilla guy and I actually have the same fear that women are far too experienced in their late 20s and probably have all sorts of kinks they’ve developed by now.

    Comparison is always scary and intimidating.

17. You have the right to desire and receive pleasure in your relationships. What you want is not somehow odd or not good enough. If sensual and caring acts of intimacy are what you want, that is no less valid than someone who wants what you call rough sex.

    I don’t think it’s possible to predict based on the gender of a person or their age what sort of sex they want. You can only do that by talking with a person about what you want, hearing what they want, and figuring out how you will make it work for both of you. That’s the ideal of consent.

    I hope you find what you’re looking for. It’s out there. It just requires communication and not making any assumptions.

18. Before you’re exclusive, you will need to establish good communication. So once you get that level of trust, talk about it. Most dudes into you will appreciate knowing what works for you. The best sex for me is when my partner and I are on the same level. It’s physical communication at that point but it all starts with communication.

19. Sounds like you are more of a grinder than a thruster?

20. OP I know you came here to hear the perspectives of men, but as a woman, the way you described sex with your ex stood out to me: 

    > he was not too good in bed and his p was not so big, the sex was always soft and vanilla, but it was mostly ok for me.

    > I cannot do rough, even small p vanilla was sometimes uncomfortable.

    The main reasons I can think of for pain during gentle sex are either you weren’t lubricated enough (dry sex *hurts*), or you might have a case of [vaginismus](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Vaginismus). 

    Dryness can be due to not being particularly turned on, or not spending enough time on foreplay, or sometimes it’s just your body not producing enough natural lubricant. If your body just won’t produce its own, store bought is fine and you should try that to see if it helps, but if you were having a lot of dry sex in your past relationship, you should also spend some time considering if it might be one of the other reasons (not turned on enough/not enough foreplay). 

    If the pain during sex wasn’t due to dryness, you should maybe consider vaginismus. That would be something to discuss with your gyn. 

21. “Would you accept a partner with a Lower sex drive and be gentle or would that rather turn you off completely?”

    I personally wouldn’t.  That’s not my preference. 

    And what my preference is is exactly what you just did which is consistent open communication.  So do that.  You’ll find the right person.