So I am 39 and happily married, with 2 great kids. I had a very active social life in my 20’s. But then we got married and had kids, and life settled down. A couple years ago, a friend of mine got divorced. I started spending more time with him because he was going through a rough patch. This eventually lead to me getting back out there and spending more time in bars. Not the kind of bars with loud music and everybody getting wasted, but adult bars. I made some new friends, which lead to me making even more friends. I’m very extroverted, and know how to carry myself in a way that people seem to like me and feel comfortable confiding in me.
My wife is an introvert. She has no problem with my social life, but she doesn’t care to join me. She likes talking on the phone with her friends, but they rarely do anything in person. I have always been 100% faithful, and I intend to stay that way. I make sure that I spend an adequate amount of time with my family. But I had a night tonight that makes me really take a step back and wonder what the hell I’m doing. The bar closed, and a bunch of people went back to one guy’s house for an afterparty. Everybody proceeded to get really drunk, random people were making out with random people. 40+ year olds getting drunk and puking. I’m thinking WTF am I doing? I have a wife and 2 young kids at home. I personally was not drunk, I was just nursing beers all night.
Anybody else dealt with something like this? I am actually a little bit concerned, is this how an almost 40 year old married father is supposed to act? I feel like maybe I’m having somewhat of a midlife crisis? Tonight just reminded me of nights I used to have back in my 20’s, and it has given me pause. Thanks for reading.
7 comments
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Is there a nice balance you can find? I’ve just turned 40 and it’s dawned on me that I rarely see my 2 best friends as they’re busy with kids/work and I long for more of a social life. Over Covid we started meeting outdoors for a beer and we made a pact to do this once a week but due to family & work we only manage it once every 2 months.
Can you meet your new friends for drinks but head home when the bar has closed? Skip the after parties?
I don’t think it’s a mid life crisis to want to socialise, I think most people will sympathise with losing friends and getting stuck in a bit of a rut through their 30s heading into their 40s.
I don’t really have any advice other than enjoy the socialising as long as it’s not impacting other areas of your life. It sounds like you’re already very mindful of this anyway!
Online dating was great up until 35, then I moved outside the search parameters. But it seems I unlocked the Daddy Perk at 40 and am having a great time.
Nothing wrong with having a life outside of your family. We all have to find that balance between family, friends, hobbies, and career. That being said, I would have skipped the afterparty and headed home after the bar. Yeah, things start to get crazy after 2am.
It was more me getting divorced that activated my social life in my 30s and it’s been great since. I wouldn’t say have a many deep male connections but I have plenty of friends I talk with frequently through regular sports engagements.
You seem really concerned about what you “should be doing.” If you had fun and didn’t do anything regrettable, what’s it matter? If you didn’t have a good time, do something different next time?
I don’t think it’s normal behavior to binge drink that hard in your 40s. I’d probably look for healthier hobbies, but it’s fine to have such a strong social life, so kudos to that!