My ‘26/F’ bf ‘32/M’ who we will call M has issues being consistent with almost everything. A little backstory: we’ve known each other since we were both kids but nothing came about it due to us living over an hour from eachother. After about 6-7 years he finally moved closer to me and we were both adults so we started hanging out, started dating, and then I got pregnant.. I broke up with him simply bc people (not him) tried to start controlling things before I even had time ti process the fact that I was pregnant (I was told at a young age I wouldn’t be able to have kids and we used double protection). We co parented for about 4 1/2 years then our son and I moved in with him (due to situational stuff that is in my previous posts, wasn’t supposed to be permanent). Weve now lived here for over a year and within a month or 2 it became permanent lol M & I have been together unofficially a year (that situation thing mentioned above, but we weren’t seeing or talking to other people) but officially almost 2 months.
Now onto the issue. For the past year I have been understanding about certain things due to his views on the situation I was in but now that’s over. He is a people pleaser I quite frankly am not. He was taught that guys don’t show emotions (even tho my dad was literally like that with me), that housework is a woman’s job, everything is on the man’s timeline/schedule, kids are more the woman’s responsibility than the man’s blah blah blah & more blah blah blah (his family is part Hispanic so you get the idea). He doesn’t know HOW to stick up for himself or anything really.
Now I will say that I have gotten him out of the whole it’s the woman’s job to be mainly responsible for the kids bc he is a great dad to our son!(before we got back together he had his mom) I have also got him to realize it IS okay to show emotion it’s just all about how you show you it and he has been communicating with me more as well. Since I am a SAHM I do not mind on the days he works doing all the housework (he still does have to take trash out when needed and clean the litter box every morning) I am OCD about a lot of things so I do all housework and cook on days he works. On days he’s off I do expect him to help out more, I got a chore chart for all 3 of us (son is almost 6 so he’s perfectly capable of doing chores as well) I am NOT a house elf (Harry Potter fan here) which has helped some. Now I don’t overload him on all 4 days he is off bc I do think he deserves to have a day to relax. I physically/mentally can’t relax it drives me INSANE lol
BUT…
About a week ago he started to slack on his chores, so I had a talk with him & everything was fine.. until yesterday I became sick and have literally been glued to the bed(I’m going insane) so he played video games pretty much all day yesterday which fine that could be his relax day. Today, I’m still sick and while our son was in school he played video games, son gets home, I say I’m going to get up to do housework. His response “babe you can barely walk” so I say “yeah well it needs done” M says “what needs done I’ll do it” but in his annoyed tone. He wouldn’t have done a single thing if I hadn’t said something.
M being a people pleaser is also kinda frustrating. Bc his family has a tendency to be overbearing A LOT they have lots of opinions and lots of advice which is fine WHEN ASKED FOR IT. Well he has a hard time and honestly doesn’t know how to defend himself so I’ve been giving advice bc my family was the exact same way before I shut that shit down. & he was doing good! Was so proud of him for it he was standing up for what was right, defending himself, me, our relationship, our parenting choices, everything! & then he stopped being good at it like he’d do it but not in a way for them to just stop with the BS like before he’d wiggle around it. I know he hates confrontation and drama but sometimes it’s needed. Boundaries need to be set. I personally won’t handle anything with his side unless it gets to a point where I feel like it’s absolutely necessary that I do but rn isn’t that time. He puts so much effort into pleasing his family when he could be putting that effort into our relationship.
I love his family don’t get me wrong they aren’t totally bad they are just very very very opinionated even about things that they know NOTHING about but think they do.
I am not here for people to tell me to run for the hills bc looking back a year ago to now he has grown a lot. I am mainly here for advice on how to keep him consistent. I know routines take 6 weeks to be fully committed to so for the chores how do I get him to be consistent for those 6 weeks that he won’t need me to help after those 6 weeks? How do I get him to be consistent with dealing with his family the way he should that way he’s consistent about meeting my emotional and physical needs? How do I get him to be consistent with anything in general??
Sorry for the long post!
Breakdown: Bf doesn’t know how to be consistent with anything especially when it comes to household chores and sticking up to his family. How do I get him to be consistent with anything in general?