TL;DR My husband hasn’t been truthful with me about his feelings and now he’s resentful of me.
Ok… here we go. I (F34) have been married to my husband (M36) for 11 years. I won’t say we have ever had a perfect relationship, because we haven’t. There have been some ups, but lots of downs. We are fairly different people (I’m an extrovert, he an introvert, he’s very logical/analytic, I’m more of a creative/dreamer). We have 2 kids, and another one on the way.
The last 2 years have been really combative in our marriage. We are fighting almost every week. This week, he spills on me so many emotions he has that he says he’s been holding on for years (like, 8-10 years). Things where he has said one thing to me, but apparently he felt another. He had a big medical issue many years ago and always said to me that I was the only person he wanted, that I took care of him through it, etc. this week, he said “that’s not how I really felt, but I didn’t tell you how I felt because I thought that you were too fragile and had too many other issues going on in your life. I didn’t feel that you supported me.” It took me by complete surprise when he said that. I was so angry, hurt, and confused, because all he had told me for years and years was how much he loved that I was there for him. And for him to throw that at me? And then start telling me that he’s never been honest with his feelings? And he has all of this anger pent up?
I feel so betrayed, because I had this picture of our life, with all of our issues, and I thought that I was working through them. He’s told me before that I’m not a good partner because I don’t listen to him. But now… to hear that he’s been concealing how he’s felt for so many years? And, he’s incredibly resentful, I can literally feel the anger coming off of him. I don’t know how to process this myself, or deal with his anger. I don’t know how to make this better because he’s hid so much of how he really feels from me.
He always claims that I don’t listen to him. His biggest fight with me has been about money – he thinks I spend too much, and we can never seem to agree on a budget. (Another way we are different – he’s extremely conservative with money, would only buy very basic things, whereas I like to shop). We have NEVER been in debt. We have saved money every year. So we are not financially hurting – we just aren’t putting away as much as he wants. But when he talks to me about money, I feel like a child. I feel like he’s talking down to me, because finance is his specialty. And, if I ask questions or disagree with something related to spending, he gets frustrated with me and shuts down. I shut down too, because I feel judged and like my thoughts aren’t even heard.
I know this isn’t a coherent post… I’m just at a loss. I try talking to him, I try to explain how I feel, I try apologizing and making strides to be better. But this revelation that he’s never been honest with me about his feelings has me absolutely reeling. I know I’m not handling it well because I’ve gotten defensive and upset and I’ve cried and gotten angry with him for hiding this from me. But I feel betrayed. I don’t know what to do. Every time I talk to him, it turns into a heated argument because he has so much pent up anger at me. I’m hurting and confused, and now I’m second guessing everything that I thought was our reality.