We have been together for 4 months. Since the first date, he has mentioned that his ex was abusive, it was a really toxic relationship. They split up at the start of 2023. I do believe him as she has a lot of assault/drink driving charges, which have been posted online. He has bought her up a few times in our relationship, but when I ask if he's over her, he says yes and he hates her.
This past week, me and him have felt really close and connected in our relationship, had a lot of deep chats. He has told me he thinks I'm the love of his life. The day after, I saw a notification on his phone – and it was a email from a girl saying "Why would i block you? The hotel doesn't have signal". I didn't recognise the name but once I searched her up, I realised it was his ex. I was outraged as when I asked for her first name before, he had told me a completely different name of another ex. I also was shocked he had gone out of his way to email her, thinking he had been blocked.
When I confronted him, he told me it had been going on for weeks. He has been living with me so I don't think anything physical has happened, but he's hid it from me the whole time. She initially got in touch with him asking how he was, then it turned vicious. For weeks, they had been messaging each other arguing. I find that immature but he says she flips a switch in him and he hates her and just 'wanted to make her suffer'. He messaged her on multiple platforms and I feel uneasy how we're in a relationship and he wasn't fulfilled enough that he had to engage with her for weeks. He says it's a trauma bond but I think he should have blocked her. He told me he never planned to tell me as 'he made his choice' and he gave me a fake name for her on purpose to keep us separate. He also had sent her that email, and half an hour later was on the phone to me drunk, saying he feels like I'm the girl he's going to marry, have kids with and 'when you know, you know'. It makes me feel sick.
I have met him since and he genuinely seems sorry and gutted he has lost me, I love him and want to be with him but don't know what to do as I can't believe he hid this from me. There is no receipts/proof to what he has told me – I'm not sure if I should message the ex asking or if that will cause more trouble. I'm not sure if this is normal in a abusive relationship and he just needs help or if he is using it as a excuse. Would love to hear people's thoughts about it as I feel so lost. Other than this, we were perfect, he came across unbelievably loved up towards me and I can't believe he would sacrifice it. Thanks
TLDR: My boyfriend told me about his abusive/toxic ex. Recently, I found out he's been secretly contacting her, even though he claimed to hate her and gave me a fake name for her. When confronted, he admitted they've been arguing for weeks but said it's due to a "trauma bond" and that he hid it to keep her separate from our relationship. I'm unsure if he's using his past as an excuse or if he genuinely needs help.