We have been married for six years and after the second year he has been asking for divorce but I have been trying to keep the marriage. A month ago he asked for divorce again(more than five time thus year btw) and I really thought this was it but we went to a friend(who’s a marriage counselor btw) who gave us some advice. He act like nothing happened like we back as a perfect couple like nothing had happened over the years. But I checked out of the marriage and I no longer love him. There was no apology after that talk with the friend nothing.
We fight a lot and although no physical abuse but he has threatened to slap me or will leave me. The thing is we never had a conversation about the marriage after the last request for divorce so I feel like he doesn’t really want to change he just making me comfortable until we fight again. Except this time I stopped loving him I mean I’m at the point I be happy if I find him with another woman just so I can leave . I no longer want to have sex. I have mentioned counseling and he refused so I gave up.
Throughout the marriage I been to therapy for anxiety and depression and had suicidal thoughts a lot when o mentioned it to him while I was struggling he would laugh at me or mock me. He mock me a lot and disrespects me and is rude to me. He make me feel bad about my body because I have a belly after birth and I was already struggling with low self esteem. Now I’m worst I lose my confidence, my self esteem and I’m afraid to love him again and get hurt. I’m also afraid that everyone will be mad at me if I separate him cause I always show people we doing well. I also feel bad that maybe he do love me and I will be hurting him. We have a child together a daughter. I’m just so lost and confused I don’t know what to do I want divorce but it feel like impossible and I wonder how I’ll survive cause my financial not great. Should I stay and keep trying and wait to see if he change this time for good or should I leave? I must mention we have these ups and down where we can go a week or two or a month without fight then it’s Al come crashing down to fights at least once a week. He pays all the bills I pay bills too but he. Make more than me. and he love our daughter but that’s all . We don’t date ninety nine percent of dates I force it and he tells me he hates me behind him and there’s some good times I try to make happen but I am afraid the next time we fight so much again that I may hurt myself and not mentally strong enough. What should I do any advice?