Hi all,
So I’m seeing or was seeing this girl for roughly 2 months. I’ll call her M. Overall, we get along great, have the same sense of humour and share amazing chemistry. We are both autistic, she is high functioning whereas I tend to struggle a lot in social settings and interactions if that makes any difference.
We hung out multiple times every week, confessed our feelings for each other and texted for hours. The only reason I never asked M to be my girlfriend is because she said she was carrying a lot of trauma and wasn’t ready for one. She stated she doesn’t know what she wants, she really does like me and I said I would support her in anyway I can and that I’d wait for her. She said that was very sweet of me. M asked me an odd question though 2 days before, asking how would I feel about her kissing a woman. I said I would feel hurt / disappointed but ultimately I can’t stop you.
On Friday night we went to a club together. Now normally this is not my type of environment at all, I do not enjoy drinking or parties. However M received her exam results, wanted me to help her choose outfits and hang out before we left. I stayed sober so I could drive us home and made sure she was safe and OK during the night.
M stated she was only going to have 2 shots. I said please be careful but before we even left her house she had 6. We arrived at 9, got in and hung around together for a bit till around until 10:30. She saw one of her female friends come in and we got separated. Without anyone, I just sat in the corner while on my phone. At 12:30, M found me. She had hickeys all over her neck. I asked what happened and then she started making out with the guy. They danced and made out with in front of me 4 times. I was completely devastated and torn apart. M tried kissing and cuddling me multiple times, asked me to dance and I just gave her the cold shoulder.
When we got back to my car, I didn’t say anything. I just wanted to go home to bed. M started saying the only reason she got with him was because she thought I would be interested in a threesome and she thought it was hot he was bisexual. At no stage have I ever said anything that would hint at that being something I would enjoy nor that I am bi-curious like her bar the occasional gay jokes. She said we aren’t exclusive, which although true, I wasn’t expecting her to do something like that and I have had no desire to date / speak with other women while talking to M. M then began crying uncontrollably in my arms, she said it was fucked up of her to do that to me, how her father severely mentally and physically abused her as a child (I already knew about this, she told me) and that her sexual assault caused hyper sexuality and she craved validation from men all the time. She said she wasn’t trying to use me (I never assumed she was) and that whether I drove her to the club or she took the bus she probably would have done it anyways. She pleaded to stay at mine, I was too exhausted at this stage to argue and just wanted to sleep.
The morning after we woke up, she kept trying to kiss and cuddle me. I did not reciprocate as I was still hurting and feeling very emotional. I made us coffee and food, she asked would I like to come over to hers. I said I can’t I have some errands. She seemed remorseful about what happened but I stayed quiet. M said the look in my eyes broke her heart, she cried in the bathroom multiple times when I refused to dance with her. I dropped her home and she asked what time I’m coming. I replied I think it’s best we take some space from each other for now, she agreed. That was the last time I spoke to her.
I’m torn in half whether I should forgive or look past this. I’m in a new city right now hours away from my family, she was all I had. I come home from work miserable without no one to love or cuddle with. She followed that guy on instagram, I remember his name but I don’t know if they’ve spoken. I don’t want to be someone’s second, third or fourth option. I rejected opportunities to speak with other women in favour of M. We got along so great, done so many special things together, I don’t know. I thought we were on the same page. I didn’t feel loved, valued or respected that night.
Please help me.