So I (37f) have been with my boyfriend (36m) for almost a year. We match in every way, things have been amazing. My marriage ended over 4 years ago, bad divorce and even worst co-parenting. I was the one who asked for the divorce, and truly despise the man. Unfortunately, ex’s name has been coming up a lot because of a bunch of crap he’s pulling. The other night, Boyfriend woke me up for some fun right after I had dozed off. I should mention that boyfriend has some insecurities and is incredibly self conscious, but I am crazy about him. I moaned “oh ___(ex husband)” with some serious passion behind it. Obviously killed the mood for both of us. Now neither of us know how to get past it. He’s weeks from moving him and his son in with my kids and I. Boyfriend is someone who really craves intimacy, and that is what he needs for a sexual relationship, this is killing our intimacy and sex life. Readers of Reddit… help!!
38 comments
The end of the day we will fuck up from time to time, do something nice for him to remind him how much you truely care for him and that it was just a mistake
Have you sat down with him and explained what happened? or did he even ask why you did that?
Your ex husband livin in your head rent free🤣
Can I ask why you said your ex-husband’s name during sex? It must’ve been for a reason. We’re you thinking about him while you guys were having sex? Do you still have feelings for him? Or doesn’t both of their names sound very similar and slipped up a bit?
Damn
I feel terrible for your BF, hard to get pass this tbh.
If he was already insecure before you did that, then he must be a mess. He may never get over it, and seeing your face every day will be a reminder.
How would you feel I lf your partner did the same thing ?
Damn hard to pass by. Your ex lives in your head. Have you gone no contact with him?
I think you guys need some quality time together. You’ve already talked about it and discussed it and apologised – I think you guys need to fall back in love a little. Organise a date night and do something together. And keep the pressure low and don’t talk about what happened or try to hash things out – a date should be fun and about feeling good. Try and rebuild some of that intimacy and trust.
I think words of affirmation would be helpful, but do it naturally, not over the top because he probably can feel you trying too hard out of guilt.
Things like “I love how safe you make me feel” or “I’m so lucky to have you”.
Also I would suggest asking him to do some tasks for you. This experience was really emasculating for him so try and make him feel needed in your life and to get some his dignity back. Ask him to reach things if he’s taller than you, ask him to fix something if he’s able, call him to ask for advice on something he’s an expert in.
We need more info! Do you still love the ex? Be honest. Also has intimacy with the ex come up in the past?
I’d leave if I were him. You still desire your ex.
Yeah i don’t think I would be able to get past this. Totally understand it’s a mistake but 4 years have passed and that’s a big mistake.
Ouch, you hit him with the inferiority ego complex. Just to be clear, this didn’t give him the insecurity, it was already there. I’ve been in his shoes, easiest way to fix it is with an abundance of love. Any chance you get, give him praise, make him feel validated, appreciated and wanted. For many of us men, this insecurity ties into a fear of abandonment. During intimacy, praise him, especially if/when you climax. It will reinforce his sexual value.
yeah… dont get all these comments saying its ok… if it was a bloke, it would be all red flag! leave him!. And that is what he should do, after 4 years this should not happen, no excuse.
Honestly I wouldn’t be able to get over that… Especially since your marriage ended 4 years ago and I assume you haven’t been intimate with him since then.
Who mentions their partner’s name during sex?? I haven’t…never once. How about stop using names?
Yeah I don’t buy it. You’re not over this dude and your current is praying the price.
Perhaps a good way to cut to the heart of this topic is to ask your boyfriend if *he* thinks you have appropriate boundaries with your ex-husband as it relates to communication and co-parenting.
Both of you have kids, so I’m sure its easier for him to understand you having to maintain some connection to your ex. Still, even if he’s similarly situated to you, it doesn’t mean you have the same view of boundaries.
When you talk about a bunch of “crap he’s pulling” it makes me think you let your ex walk over you or take advantage. Someone on the outside (your boyfriend) may impute that to mean you still care about your ex-husband or want to make things easier for him for whatever reason.
Ultimately, our brains do dumb stuff during sex and most adults are capable of separating the immediate pain/mood killer from the long term insecurity. But, there may be more going on in your relationship than you realize vis-a-vis how your boyfriend sees your relationship to your ex and this may be a great way to talk about it.
you blew it big time. nothing you can do but apologize and try to make it up to him somehow, and hope he accepts. It’s on YOU to make him forgive you, not on him to find a way to do so.
Protip, in a lot of your comments you’re coming up with excuses why this is somehow not your fault, that it’s him being insecure, blah blah blah – you need to acknowledge it IS 100% your fault. If you come off as dismissive then he will never forgive you.
If i was your bf i would have left instantly. Good luck
Freudian slip… this stuff happens from time to time. This wouldn’t really bother me at all, but everyones different. Hopefully with some time he’ll get over it
Did you say “it’s like calling your teacher mom”? Your brain associated certain feelings and actions with other people even when you may not be thinking about that person. That’s what I would say anyway… I’ve definitely gotten in patterns of squabbles and said someone else’s name, this is no different…
I’ve been the guy and the girl in this situation. Time and sex that doesn’t involve the wrong name fixes this. But mostly time.
As a man this is one of the hardest things to hear.
It’s over.
It’s an innocent mistake, it would be nice if he understood that and didn’t take it personally. This wouldn’t personally bother me, but I know a lot of people are insecure.
Probably shouldn’t move in together, though.
I believe everything you say, and you night be the best match for him. BUT after that, if he can’t get past it, it’s done. You can’t convince him otherwise. You have my support but this one is tricky.
Be careful on how you proceed, a lot of advice it useful in the comments, but be warned that there may be irredeemable consequences of the slip up. I got a friend who had this incident, they never got over it. Slowly fell apart and (he and her) are now just acquaintances
I’ve never called my partner another name whilst being intimate. This may be a mistake, everyone is different, but if I was your partner, I wouldn’t be able to get over it.
Yeah, not a professional, but I would say that conversations need to be ongoing, and you can’t apologize more than you have, though you can keep trying. I would say you both need to explore his insecurity more than your trauma, but both should be given time. You could schedule regular dates with him to discuss his history and mindset further, in addition to your regular romantic dates. After some time, when his security is better established, you both should probe into your traumas, exploring the good and bad aspects of your previous relationship.
I’m not getting the whole back story here and i’ve seen this movie a hundred times. Also no person belts out a person’s name who traumatized them especially in a “passionate” way. I feel bad for your boyfriend.
He will never ever forget this. Happened to me, still haunts me.
I think people overthink this. I understand why. But just knowing how a brain works it shouldn’t be taken as an offense. I’d say apologize to bf. Explain the stress made your brain misfire. You have nooooo attractive to ex and reinforce how loving and sexy he is. Don’t promise it will never happen again.
I did this to my husband once. He didn’t hear me. Which is kind of another issue in our marriage but … PHEW! 😂
Just tell him you’re inviting him into your home because it’s him that you want.
If you initiated the divorce, point that out too. You don’t want your ex, you want him.
Every single person has said something at some point that they didn’t mean to say. Brains do stupid things, especially stupid brains.
An ex that I care deeply about called me an ex’s name once and I didn’t even bring it up. It happens.
Your timing is awkward, but it’s an innocent mistake.
I don’t know why you had to load this up with, “has some insecurities and incredibly self conscious”. It wouldn’t matter if he didn’t have those. This blow stings and you’re attempting to take something away when you phrase that (don’t hide it as some explanation).
There isn’t an easy fix to this. You’ve crushed him.
i don’t think this is as big of a deal as many make it out to be, as long as you weren’t fantasizing about him. i feel like it’s more muscle memory, force of habit, etc. i have no attraction to my ex of 13 years but i once slipped up and called the guy i was in love with after him my ex’s name during a small debate. i also always feared doing the same during sex for this same reason. muscle
memory. but from the other person’s perspective, with the imagination running wild, they’ll obviously be traumatized. when emotions are involved, the logical explanation becomes minimized and all a person will tend to lean towards is the fantastical, sensationalized version of the moment that they created in their minds.
I have a rule of never saying names during sex. Keeps everything easier