I’m 22f and I talk about exhibitionism like a recovering addict but let me express my grievances. In the end we should be having sexual experiences to have fun, otherwise what’s the point? These things don’t carry that much meaning unless I want them to. I could throw this life behind me and move on like nothing happened. Since a young age I have shown my body to several thousands of people online and yes it’s a bit odd balancing this online persona with my real one. What gives you pleasure immediately isn’t necessarily beneficial in the long term.
Objectively putting my body out there on the internet anonymously for men who are potentially very bad people isn’t good in the long term. They don’t truly see me as anything besides an object and I allow them to do it. I intentionally degrade myself and it all makes me question why I’m a masochist. It is almost like self harm and telling someone I love that I ask men on the internet to degrade me feels like it’s not only hurting me but others around me. I think kink should be explored in a safe way but doing it in front of thousands of people isn’t a good idea no matter how hard you want to rationalize it.
I’m at a point where I’d benefit more being thrown into a mental hospital instead because of how much pain I’ve inflicted upon myself. It feels idiotic and in real life I’d never give these people a chance. It’s all just a dopamine addiction and it’s one that can have real life consequences. I told close friends of mine and now this secret persona of mine feels all too real and just like an addiction to a substance, it’s humiliating. It’s like telling the whole world I have a porn addiction and tying that to my identity. This online persona was never who I was and never what I wanted my lasting impact on the world to be. If anything I’d love to be an artist of some sort because I clearly have a need to receive attention and this is damaging for me. What do I do about all the posts I’ve put out there? I have to move on with my life and the plus side is that most likely my cover isn’t blown.
It is a bit odd sitting with your family at dinner after you’ve revealed yourself to so many people. It’s a bit odd seeing your mother after you’ve inflicted pain onto the body she created. I get nightmares about this shit y’all and luckily I’m not an ex porn star or something and I’m not in the limelight with someone threatening to leak my shit. Many of us have double lives, many of us fuck and move on with our lives and exhibitionism is so much like this. You put yourself in a vulnerable position and you keep going, you sit in your class like a civilized person in a civilized society. Just because you let loose doesn’t mean you go into a downward spiral.