My husband lied to me about this the entire relationship…I found out 6 years later? Am I wrong for being upset?

27 comments

1. I don’t understand why you care so much about something that happened years ago and before he even met you. Maybe if you didn’t drill it out of him things could’ve just been comfy.

2. It could have been that it was something that he was ashamed of or something that he regrets doing. It could also have been the opposite end where he was afraid you would get upset and mad at him for something that doesn’t mean anything now.

   He shouldn’t have lied, but it is in the past…

3. I really don’t understand why you’d even ask about previous partners—and in this case not just ask but force it out of them.

4. Honestly, he probably lied out of fear of your reaction. It’s not a great reason to lie, but I understand the thought process. Given you verbally beat his list of sexual partners before you out of him, it sounds like it was warranted fear, because I don’t think I’ve ever even asked a single relationship to give me the names of anyone they’ve ever slept with, let alone everyone.

5. Why are you trying to force him to divulge the names of all of his previous sexual partners? I’m not sure i understand your goal in doing so. Do they still see each other in some capacity?

6. He lied about it because of the way you’re reacting about it now. See a therapist to talk about whatever is going on with you.

7. This falls under my mantra of: Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answer to.

   I would suspect the lie came from you forcing this information out of him. Everyone has a past, and it honestly seems weird to be that obsessed over it.

   If it were me, I’d let it go. He married you, he’s with you.

8. I don’t think you ever wrong to be upset when anyone misleads you especially your spouse. But I would say when I got into that conversation about passed girlfriends I always downplayed the activity and or the seriousness of the relationship if the woman who I was currently dating and was inquiring about it was someone I really liked. If it was just a girl I was casually dating and was thinking easy come easy go I let the truth fly. Really the older I got the more I just told the truth figuring I am who I am but if I had to guess. Your husband might have trouble expressing just how much you mean to him and his way of subconsciously dealing with that is to downplay any other woman he has had an intimate relationship with in a ways of showing you how special you are to him. That is just how I see it. I am guessing though if you have a healthy loving marriage that he did not have ill intent

9. I agree with the other answers in that why would you drag the information out of him.

   Honestly, if you don’t think you could cope with the answer, don’t ask the question. I asked my wife about her exes once and that was cool. I wanted to ask “were any of them bigger than me” but I knew I would hate the answer, so I dropped it and never thought about it again. Sometimes curiosity does kill the cat.

   It’s in the past and makes no difference. Yes he should have told you the truth but he may have reasons as to why he didn’t- shame, fear (of your reaction), he could even have been SA’d and not want to talk about it. Most likely, he didn’t want to hurt your feelings and ruin the relationship.

   You are OK to feel upset about being lied to, but consider why he did. I hope you can work through it.

10. So he claimed to be a 37 year old virgin? That’s a red flag.

    I have no idea why he would lie unless there was something terrible about this ex where he thought you knowing he had sex with her would negatively impact your perception of him. Is she the neighborhood slut? Does she have an incurable STD?

    I think you’re right to be upset simply because it’s a weird-ass lie. And deception is deception.

11. I mean… he’s 37 and only ever been with you and one other woman?

12. I’m so proud to be single because if ANYONE **”I did kind of force the answer out of him to tell me the names of his previous sexual partners”** I would’ve put the ring down, packed one small bag as quickly as possible and walked out. My own beautiful, wonderful mother never does/did anything like that, why would you let some woman disrespect you like that?

    Also, what prompted all of this? you’re leaving a lot out of this story. Like did you just wake up and decide, today i’ll pick a fight with my husband?

13. With respect, and having read some of your responses to questions people had about your post – I think you’ve made a mountain out of a molehill; and how you reacted to such a small issue would make a lot of men think twice about staying in a relationship.

    Your behaviour over this is, in all honesty, a big red flag.

14. Why are you bothered about this? Is it the lying?

    Or is it the body count and cheating risk? Have you told him your full sexual history?

15. Why are you fixated on this?

    Let go of the past or you will ruin your future.

16. >I did kind of force the answer out of him

    He did that because he panicked and answered your question. He probably wanted to evade your wrath, or answer your question because you pushed hard.

    The matter is that this was none of your business and you abused him in that regard.

    The fact that you are mad about this makes this even worse. This is toxic, you did not respect his boundaries and I am sad for this man.

    Is lying good? No. Is your behaviour good, no. Two wrong doesn’t make this right, but he had this reaction based on your input. You want honesty? You must welcome it, not punish him for telling you the truth.

17. It’s one of those things where you were looking to get upset, and then got upset.

    It’s like being vegetarian and asking someone whether they’ve eaten meat only to then get angry when they respond with an answer you already expected.

18. [deleted]

19. You’ve been married 6 years, why do you care about his previous sexual partners?

    Personally I don’t like given a blow by blow (all puns intended) account of my previous sexual encounters to my current partner, there are waaaay more interesting, exciting and important things to spend our time on.

20. I feel like we are missing a LOT of context here. My wife and I have been married 18 years and granted the first year or so we were still learning about each other (we got married young and quick) but since then the topic of previous relationships like… never comes up. Was he a dick for lying? Sure. 1000% is it something that’s world rocking? Not really…. He may have just not wanted to come off as a player or something at the time.

21. Yes, this reaction is stupid. Disappointment would be understandable but having a tantrum and asking strangers online is unhinged.

22. I need clarification. Do you know this girl that he had sex with before you? Something you said in your post about “i didnt know it was her”. Are you upset at him having sex with that particular girl, or is it something else? While i get you dont like being lied to, if you have a history with this girl then his lie might be more justified. Also, if he has had two sex partners, and you are one of them then do a quick process of elimination. If he dated this girl for any length of time then they probably had sex. If he said specifically “no not with her” that it was some other random, then something is amiss, ill give you that. However, if he just knew you would freak out that it was specifically HER, i would understand his subterfuge

23. I’m confused. Did you think he was a 31 year old virgin? Also, why would you want to know about all the sex he had before you? Why would you care 6 years after? Looks like you’re just trying to start stuff.

24. Woman and honestly, you have no right to be mad at him. What he did before you were in his life is not really your business. Forcing it out of him is even worse. He probably never told you because to him, it didnt mean much and it was irrelevant at that point.

25. Sounds like he kept it secret for a good reason

26. If you have to ask the internet if you’re wrong to be upset about something, you are not mature enough to be in a relationship.

27. Typical male, shaming a woman for her “body count”, as if it mattered. When will men get it through their thick caveman skulls that the image they need to hold of their virgin untouched bride is a toxic masculine fantasy that only serves to uphold their fragile masculinity. Women had sexual partners before you. Get over it.

    EDIT: Oh, you’re the woman? Never mind all that then. Straight to jail with him.