Not really sure if this is the right place for this or if i’m over exaggerating the situation but here goes. Just for context which might help, prior to and during this relationship i battled with anxiety and depression, and she also struggled with anxiety. I would also like to emphasise that I am not placing blame on her, whether it was her fault or not i’m undecided. And whilst this was my first relationship it was not hers.
I had my first and only girlfriend a few years ago now, and since breaking up with her i’ve never really been interested in anyone. Obviously i’ve found people attractive, but thinking about being with someone is difficult.
One standout issue i had during the relationship which i think is heavily linked was the first time we ever tried anything in the bedroom. whilst we never went to the so called ‘4th base’, we quite quickly made our way to the third base. So the first time it happened, she gave me a handjob, and it was all consented. After finishing however, i felt a sense that actually i wasn’t ready for that step forward.
Obviously a hard thing to bring up, but i told her and assured her it was nothing to do with her, but more maybe we should just take it slower. She started crying a lot and wouldn’t talk to me. After being unable to comfort her, my anxiety started to kick in making me think i was at fault, and began apologising to her, and taking back what i had said. It was now that she began to stop crying and begin talking again.
The next time i saw her, i brought up the idea of doing it again, as i felt guilty because of last time. We escalated what we did, however i broke up with her before 4th. I know this is long and not necessarily her fault but i don’t know how i can feel comfortable being with someone, as i feel having this conversation may be uncomfortable.
This is the first time i’ve shared this so would appreciate any responses. And if this is not right for this subreddit, if you could direct me to a more suitable one that would be great.