Sorry this post is so long! This is my first post, please let me know if I missed anything.
My boyfriend (25M) of 1.5 years has a close female friend that he snapchats everyday. At first, I (22F) didn’t think anything of it because I had a close guy friend who I also snap chatted at least once a day. Little things kept happening that caused misunderstandings and miscommunications in our relationship to the point where I’m uncomfortable and questioning our future together. These little things keep adding up and every time I think we’ve solved it something else happens…
When my bf and I first started talking I found out about his close female friend, let’s call her A. I found out that the two of them chatted everyday and had in depth discussions with each other over Snapchat. It made me slightly uncomfortable to want to pursue a relationship with him because there were times where we would be in the middle of having aftercare and he’d grab his phone to reply to her. It made me feel like he was prioritizing his snaps with her over our quality time together and they’d keep in contact here and there throughout the day. He also would talk highly of her to me and fill me in on what they were snapping about. About three months in, I had to ask him what she was to him and if they were truly just friends. He reassured me that they were and nothing has ever happened between the two of them. He told me he views her like a little sister. A also lives in a different state. He apologized for snapping her during our aftercare and prioritized our time together. This settled my doubts and we started a relationship together a month or two after that.
Eventually, an issue arose again. I became jealous that they would talk so much and felt like their friendship was threatening our relationship because (not my best moment) I ended up going through his phone and seeing their messages. He’d ask her various questions to get her opinion on things that mattered to him. These were also questions he’d ask me to get my opinion on.
It was about purchases he was looking to make or places he wanted to go, etc. It made me feel special, but when I found out he was asking A those same questions I didn’t feel special anymore. She would also ask him about what kind of haircut she should get and there was even a picture she sent to him of her in a dress to get his opinion and he told her she looked gorgeous. I confronted him about how intimate their discussions were and admitted to viewing their messages. I felt betrayed. He reassured me again that they were just friends. He said that because his ex forced him to not have any female friends he was going to maintain his friendship with her (he originally was friends with her during his last relationship but his ex made him cut it off). I understand where he is coming from, but I’m not his ex and wasn’t asking for him to not be friends with her. I was expressing my concern about how their closeness was a gray area that wasn’t strictly a friendship. He ended up agreeing to not contact her late at night anymore and only Snapchat her during the day.
On our 6 month anniversary I had a premonition that this boundary wasn’t being followed. I ended up confronting him about it and it turns out I was correct. The night before he had stayed up late chatting to her over Snapchat. He said that the boundary was too restrictive and he should be able to message his friends whenever he’d like (I was also following this boundary with my male friends at the time). I felt betrayed that he had agreed to this and then decided to not follow the boundary and not talk to me about an alternative way to respect our relationship while still maintaining our individual freedoms. I was crushed and I cried. I told him that I am uncomfortable with him messaging her on Snapchat because it’s an app used for secrecy and it was hurting our relationship. We agreed that when we got new phones together we’d both delete Snapchat permanently (we still haven’t gotten new phones btw and that conversation was now a year ago). I agreed on this temporary solution and decided to trust him. We removed the boundary.
Towards the end of last year my close guy friend, let’s call him R (the one I snap chatted once daily) came to me about his relationship issues. He expressed his concerns about his girlfriend potentially cheating. I tried to be a good friend and listen to him vent and offer advice when asked. We’ve been friends for over four years and I trusted him enough to offer for him to crash at my place if he ever needed to. There is no romantic history between us and I’ve never felt any form of attraction to him. Long story short, he ended up hitting on me during our conversation and said if things didn’t work out with his gf that the two of us could give it a shot. I shot this down immediately and told him nothing would ever happen between us (we are both in committed relationships and he knew this). I was disgusted that someone I thought was my genuine friend turned out to have hidden intentions. We barely talk now, only when he reaches out, and I hold him at arms length. I told my bf about what happened between me and R. It put into perspective for me that even though men and women can be friends, it should only be to a certain extent.
Back to A. In the beginning of this year, my bf and I started classes and had very minimal time together. We’d see each other for a half day on Mondays. I was finishing up my last semester of college and he decided to go back to a trade school to get a job in the medical field while working full time. Quality time and physical touch are my love languages. Having little to no quality time and a very minimal sex life put a lot of strain on our relationship. This went on from January-April. We knew it was going to be tough and we did our best to make things work during this time. During our time together on Mondays I would see A pop up as a snap on his phone when he was over. He would prioritize us but I noticed every time he or I went to the bathroom he’d reply to her. I know this because his phone would go off and her name would pop up again. Our time together was so minimal and limited that I ended up confronting him about it. I told him that when we spend time together I want to be his priority and he can always Snapchat her on his own time later (we only saw each other for half a day every week during this time). He apologized and agreed on prioritizing our time together.
I now spend my two off days at his place every week since we’ve graduated in May. I noticed during this time that he would reply to her when he was in the bathroom or when I was out of the room. I noticed this and asked him about it. He said he didn’t want to make me uncomfortable. I apologized to him and said I didn’t want him to feel like he couldn’t talk to me about her. He opened up to me more regarding their conversations and even though they still Snapchat every day I thought I finally made my peace with it.
About a little over a month ago my bf and I had a huge fight. We agreed on a day to meet and talk in person that took place a couple days after we fought. I asked for some space during this time leading up to our conversation and we didn’t text or Snap much. He’s my best friend on Snap and always has been during the majority of our relationship. During the three days we didn’t talk much A replaced me on his best friend slot. He said “it’s not what you think.” I didn’t say much about it at the time but it’s been lingering in the back of my mind.
Two weeks ago I found out they had a movie night where they both watch a movie at the same time and text during it (since they’re in different states). I didn’t think anything of it because they’ve been having movie nights occasionally before our relationship began. The movie they watched was exclusively on Hulu and found out he had asked for her login credentials. She gave her login to him. He excitedly told me that we could now watch anime on Hulu and pulled his phone out to go through their texts to find her login info. I peeked at his phone and saw a heart face. I asked him what it was and he showed me. She sent the login info to him and his reply was: “You spoil me 🥰”
I was so shocked. He hardly ever sends heart emojis to me and I checked our messages and the last one he had sent to me was three months ago. I know he was showing appreciation but this is something out of the ordinary for him. I told him that finding out he sent her a heart face made me feel uncomfortable and jealous because it is out of character for him. He said he understood and would not send them to her any longer.
But I can’t unsee everything I’ve seen. It all keeps adding up and I feel like nothing productive has actually come out of all our discussions. They still Snapchat every day and there’s still no clear boundaries between them. I’m at a loss on what to do and now I feel like my respect in the relationship has been compromised. I’ve expressed my uncomfortability multiple times. We’ve talked about marriage and he is planning on proposing by the end of this year. I don’t want to marry a man who is emotionally available and digitally accessible for another woman every day. We are both grownups and I feel like we are too old to be having issues over Snapchat.
TL;DR My (22F) bf (25M) has a female friend he snapchats with every day. Is this a legit concern? How should I approach this issue with him?