My, 21F, boyfriend "B," 21M, and I have been officially dating for a little over a year, together for almost two. B and I are both college students, working and putting ourselves through our respective programs. Due to financial reasons, last October B ended up moving in with me. At the time, we had only been official for a couple of months. Even though it was because of financial troubles, we have both realized that we should not have moved in together so soon. Spending every night together because you want to is completely different than not having your own space to retreat to, and we have both realized this. We discussed the pressures of living together at such a young age this past March, and we agreed that it feels like too much too fast. After this conversation, we both did better about ensuring boundaries were set in our home until we are able to move out.
Unfortunately, my boyfriend lost his dad in early June of this year. It was extremely sudden and unexpected, and B immediately left to go to his home state (16 hours from where we go to school). B has never been an openly emotional person, and has always been open about his goals to support his siblings and parents when he has a stable job after graduation. He was home with his family for about two months, and toward the end of this time he asked me to fly over and meet his family and friends before we made the drive back to our state together. While he was away, he was extremely busy doing all the tasks that must be taken care of when someone passes. He was too exhausted to talk much, but when he did he did not want to talk about the circumstances. I was more of an escape at the time than someone he wanted to lean on. He is incredibly independent and doesn't lean on anyone.
Fast forward, I fly to his home state and meet his entire family and his high school friends. The following week, we flew to the state where my parents live (we had already had this trip booked before the passing of B's dad). Everything went well. B still hasn't opened up about his loss, and is acting 100% the same as he always has. I know he is a very private person, and losing a parent is something that I cannot even begin to fathom. So, I don't push him to open up to me.
Jumping to the present, everything is great. B has been home for about a month, we go on dates, we are both very busy with school starting again, we both work a lot. We make time to hang out a couple times a week, but it has gotten hard to make intentional time because we live together. B has always had a habit of (in his words) taking for granted the time we have together, and he is not as proactive about making time for us (he will make time to drive to his friends' place or to an activity, and assumes he will just "see me at home.") Regardless, we have planned our future together. A couple weeks ago he even invited me to his cousin's wedding in a nearby state, and the invitation reads, "Only long-term partners are welcome." Everything has been going well. You can imagine my surprise when, two days ago, during a conversation about his pattern of "taking for granted that we live together," B randomly broke up with me at 1am. He admitted he is having an extremely difficult time with the loss of his father, and said that he can't put any attention toward our relationship.
I cannot stress how completely out of character this was. B is extremely rational and logical, and does not make impulsive decisions. I don't want to sound like a delusional girlfriend, but I really mean it when I say that this made no sense. THE DAY OF THIS CONVERSATION he was talking about flying back to see my family in the next few months. It doesn't align with what he says, what he does, how he treats me, etc. The next day I sat him down and I told him that if he wants to break up with me because he doesn't want to be with me I will accept it, but this choice makes no sense. I tried to come at it as more of, "You are making a huge impulsive decision right now," rather than, "Please don't break up with me." I told him that I love him and if what he needs to do is focus on himself and focus on healing, I will be there as support. I told him that I only can work with what he shows me, and if I had known how much he was struggling on a daily basis I would have never even initiated that conversation with him.
He said he didn't want to break up at all, but he felt like he has no other choice because he is drowning in his grief. As of right now, we are still in a relationship, and he is acting completely in love and the way he was before this conflict. We went on a date after our last conversation, got dessert, he kissed me goodnight and said he loves me. We agreed that he will see a therapist/grief counselor, he has moved into our spare bedroom until our lease is up and we can get separate places. The separate bedrooms definitely add some space that I think both of us need right now, but I can't stop thinking about how B broke up with me for 12 hours and is now acting completely normal. I know grief can do crazy things. I don't want to be selfish and tell him that he really hurt me by ending our relationship, but I don't know how to move forward. We are hanging out like normal, making plans like normal, and still going to his cousin's wedding together, but I can't help but feel like I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. He agreed that he doesn't want to break up, that he will see a counselor and then we will reevaluate where our relationship stands. I'm trying not to take anything personally, I know he has just undergone a huge trauma, but I can't stop feeling the hurt. I grew up with a mom who displayed narcissistic tendencies, and I can't help but feel the fight or flight that I was always feeling at home (I am absolutely NOT calling him a narcissist, just comparing my feelings in unstable situations). I feel like I'm walking on eggshells, trying not to be a burden and ask him for too much. How should I move forward? Did I make a mistake by asking him to reevaluate? I really love him, and I want him to take care of himself. But at what point should I start worrying about me?
TLDR; My boyfriend lost his dad in June, has been acting 100% normal since then, but just broke up with me out of the blue. We talked it out and he said he didn't want to break up, he is just very overwhelmed with his grief and his circumstances. He agreed to go to counseling, we got back together 12 hours later, and now he is acting like it never happened.