My partner and I have been struggling a LOT the past four months. We both really want this relationship to work and have been able to acknowledge our parts in the big issues but we can’t seem to move through these big issue ruts.
We have some really fundamental differences that in the past I have felt like we could work through eventually but as time passes I feel very unsteady and unsure that we can work through these things. We both are in counseling individually because couples counseling has never worked for us and honestly is just too expensive.
One of the biggest issues I’m having right now is that I feel like every time I try to connect or bring up a serious conversation my partner immediately gets defensive/judgmental.
For example- we are leaving on a trip soon (going to WDW) and one of the things I have felt anxiety about is how we are going to communicate when we need a break/feel over simulated/are upset about something.
Last week I spoke to my therapist about it and she encouraged me to bring this up in a conversation and try to understand what we need from each other in those moments and a game plan.
A few days ago, I let my partner know that I wanted to discuss this issue on Friday (thinking this would give her time to prepare and come regulated to the conversation). When I brought it up I asked ‘So what do you think you need from me when you’re overstimulated or need a break?’
Her response was, ‘for you to just leave me alone.’ When I asked her what she meant she went on to say ‘I want you to acknowledge that I’m overstimulated and then just leave me alone. Don’t ask me- what’s wrong.’
In response to this, I explained that I don’t always know she’s ’overstimulated’ and asked her if she could at least tell me that and then I would leave her alone. This was very upsetting to her and she felt like I should just be able to know that she’s overstimulated.
Bottom line, this is pretty much how every interaction goes. I try to bring up something in hope that we connect and better support each other and gets frustrated the second I don’t understand or have an ask of her also. I later asked her if she had even considered having a conversation about this or if she was just planning to manage herself the whole time on ‘our’ trip. To this she responded that she assumed I would bring it up.
My real issue is that I feel like I am trying to work through things as a team and she is very self focused. Like she’s been spending time in therapy figuring out how to manage her needs on this trip but then can’t have a conversation about it.
She find every question I ask to be ‘criticism’ and that when I bring up an issue I am ‘controlling’
I just feel like there is no room for meeting each other in the middle. I either have to just shut up and say okay or I’m the problem.
I need some advice because honestly I’m dreading this trip. Any one have thoughts?