This is the place to put any shower thoughts, your complaints/rants about dating, ask for quick advice, serious and (sometimes not) questions and anything else that might not warrant a post of its own.
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I wonder why some people love to chase validation from strangers. Personally, I feel guilty/depressed when I receive attention from people who don’t even interest me as a friend, let alone romantically. Partly like “what did I say or do to give you the impression of there being more?”.
The depressed part comes when I purposefully put interest out there, only for it to be ignored.
went on a date last week with a guy who physically was my type. as a bonus, i felt like we had crazy chemistry once we met up and it was so fun! he did ask me for a second date 2 days later, which i thought also went super well! i was feeling giddy about him, only for him to slow ghost me this week.
it makes me feel like i cant trust myself!
I learned today that my cheating ex married his affair partner and had a kid with her. (Been getting weird messages so I asked a friend to look him up.) It is so disheartening that he got the life I once wanted when he was so morally bankrupt about it.
I don’t expect life to be fair, but after 3 years of healing and bad dates and one (1) single horrific kiss, I worry that my happiest days might really be behind me. I miss sex and sleeping next to someone whom I think loves me, dammit.
Ugh.
Had many fantastic dates with someone over the past couple of weeks. They’ve been super proactive with organising the next date before the end of the current one, we have fun and a laugh it’s felt very calm and easy. He’s been such a gentleman picking me up and dropping me off, paid for the first two dates and always tries to cover drinks on the ones I’ve booked the activities for (he doesn’t always win). The sex is pretty great too and he’s been patient with some insecurities I have from a past situation… which has made me feel validated. We’re extremely compatible in the bedroom and that’s not something I find easily.
He’s not a big texter and I knew this, though after some mischievous exchanges on Thursday night I was a little disappointed to not hear from him at all yesterday. We were meant to go out tonight and have a sleepover and after I sent him a text this am he eventually replied that some “family stuff” has come up and asked to reschedule. He hasn’t suggested an alternative and the vagueness has sent my anxiety up a notch.
Mostly I’m just annoyed at myself for feeling anxious about something that is very probably nothing. I have felt so chill the past few weeks but just the thought of getting breadcrumbed or ghosted throws my regulation. I know it’s ridiculous, but it’s also because it’s a super common pattern in my dating life. How do you build resilience with this to just…not be bothered? I’d love to not be bothered.
I have no idea if this long term situation I’m in is going anywhere. We haven’t talked about it. I wish he’d bring it up first. I want to know. I see him again in a few weeks. I’m going to ask if he doesn’t. I want it to become something more than casual and I think he does too but it feels like such a bigger step when it’s long distance. I’m nervous about it. It’s hard being so vulnerable. I hope he feels the same way
Parents of DOT, when do you typically disclose that you have a kid? I don’t mention it on my dating app profiles, but always give the person a heads up before we meet up in case it’s a deal-breaker. Even though this has worked out well so far, it’s always somewhat awkward for me. Would love to hear how others handle this!
ETA: Thanks everyone for the feedback and for sharing other perspectives. I certainly don’t want to seem like I’m hiding anything, or waste anyone’s time. I have tried to only match with people who clearly state that they “want kids,” but I can see how not disclosing is insufficient. I have a lot to think about.
Thoughts on guys planning dates more convenient for them (closer to their area than yours) – bad sign? This guy has looking for a relationship, but with planning first date hadn’t asked anything around preferences or offering to meet in the middle
Unpaused the apps a few days ago. Matched with someone who immediately asked what I was doing on Sunday so now I’m going on a date! Quickest date set-up ever! It was their opening line to me so we had a date before we even got to talking. I rate it though 😅
No more Chris’s. God, please! 🙏
So I texted the person I’ve been dating again to see what’s going on since I hadn’t heard from her in 5 days. She’s like really sick. Its totally fine if she’s sick. Just wish she would have told me what was going on. It’s been 11 days since our last phone call and she did tell me 5 days ago she was sick but I wasn’t sure if she was getting better or worse or not or what was going on. At least now I know and will give it another week and see what happens.
Matched with and was chatting to a guy, probably sent 3 messages each and his 4th was asking me out for a drink. I’ve been on night shifts this week so didn’t check my app for about 36h so I didn’t see this, but he’d then followed it with “or maybe not” before I’d had a chance to read or reply. (I had already told him in an earlier message I was on nights)
I replied explaining again I’d been on nights but would like to go for a drink…. His response was “sorry had wine and got needy with that message saying or maybe not”
I’m thinking if this is what he’s like after a few messages then I’m worried this could be a sign of things to come and/or him being needier and controlling…. Is this an early red flag?
36F, been single for about 5 years now. Is dating apps seriously the only way to date these days? I don’t trust them at all, but meeting someone normally is just not happening. I get it, I’m not a size zero or blonde, but I’m a confident chill chick. Just starting to feel discouraged :/
Update to my [post from yesterday](https://www.reddit.com/r/datingoverthirty/s/MtwfOQbrKX) about going to my second ever speed dating event last night and a report on how it went. I mentioned how I was a little more nervous the second time around for some reason and it proved to be true all the way till the event started. I did notice that a couple of people who attended were the same people from my last event but there were a lot of new faces as well so that was alright. Before the night began (and during the break in between) there were a couple of arcade machines at the brewery that the event was hosted at, so instead of mingling I kinda just went and played Gauntlet and Rampage off by myself hahaha. But I’m naturally shy, so it helped keep me focused and less nervous. I felt a little off going into the evening but when the opening bell rang I did my best that i could. I had 0 expectations just like the first time and my only goal was to have a decent night at the very least.
Well, the match emails went out this afternoon. If you get a mutual match with someone the host company emails you both to let you know and sends you their phone numbers if you wish to contact them. My first event I got 2 matches which surprised me (although they ended up not amounting to anything). This time, I got FIVE matches….absolutely blew my mind waking up to that. I kind of feel overwhelmed to be completely honest LOL. I don’t know what to do……I figure I’ll contact them all I suppose but do I just cast a wide net or……I haven’t dated since 2020 when I met my ex so I feel a bit out of it….
The other thing is, if I were to order the 5 matches based on who id be interested in the most, the top 2 I found out AFTERWARDS when the event ended are best friends of 10+ years who went as support for each other….now I feel kinda stuck because you know they absolutely have contacted each other saying “did we match with that same guy?”…and if I contact them both do I look like a player? But if I contact one and not the other do i hurt someone’s feelings? I forgot how complicated dating is haha.
After calling it quits with my date whom I met twice, p much immediately start missing the last guy I dated for a few months bc he was a much better fit. Taking this reaction as to be expected and not a sign that we’re meant to be or anything. I’m just tired of ending things with people.
My ex keeps messaging me to get back together, and I’m about to block her because I’ve tried to be polite/reasonable but she just ain’t hearing it. She says splitting was a mistake, and yeah I still feel for her too, but even it’s all done and over with. We cant turn back time.
Wish she could just move on because I’m tired of this shit.
Today has been a good day:
– Got to watch someone I know finish as the top American at UTMB (very famous ultramarathon)
– Got a 14 mile long run in
– First date with the cyclist lady went really well. In fact, it was probably the most natural feeling date I have been on, to date. Didn’t feel nervous or anything at all, so yay! Hope that is able to sustain.
First game of the season and my Vols are crushing it so far. Hopefully the day continues just as good as I have a first date tonight with an absolutely gorgeous woman. She’s not much of a texter though, she always has her phone on Do Not Disturb, so going into it pretty blind since I asked her out on my first message..
Edit: Yikes this blew up a bit! I appreciate the perspective that’s been shared. Some people might see it as awesome (like my friend), and some may find it annoying (like commenters). I’m redirecting my message in case it is the latter.
Original: I got hit with my first ever “flat tire” excuse for cancelling tonight’s date. They seemed genuinely frazzled and I want to believe them (they offered a different day to meet), but it being the oldest excuse in the book is…concerning. I countered with offering to go somewhere in daylight in walking distance from her or to order an Uber for her. We’ll see what she says!
Hey all,
New here on this Reddit and in need of some serious advice or a call-back to reality. Really some unfiltered smacking if required xD. I am not sure where to start.
I am in my thirties and am I a guy who has a difficult past. Will save you the specifics, but imagine lots of bullying, self-disassociation and being unable to recognise me in the mirror (internal world is different from what I see in the mirror). I have been going to therapy a lot over the last 2.5 years and improved a lot. I am now at a stage in my life where I want to build a relationship, but I am getting confused about what I am looking for in a relationship versus what I should just settle for. The thing is that I have created this ideal, perhaps idiotic and impossible, image of what it should look like. I tend to automatically judge any possible relationship against that image and if it doesn’t match, which it hasn’t until now, I tend to get anxious and judgemental of myself for trying to make it work. So far, this has backfired every time.
Basically, what I am looking for is a girl/woman who:
* I am physically attracted to
* Who can hold a conversation
* Who can share my spiritual side, either by sharing the same view or understanding it.
* With whom I can share the things I like (e.g. Music taste, playing games together (tabletop and/or video), who likes skiing, etc. Of course, not all of these are important, but you get the gist that we can do stuff together.
* With whom I can discuss my emotional side. (I tend to have strong emotions)
* Just somebody who is my buddy, partner and friend where I feel safe, connected and trusted.
What are your experiences? Am I being unrealistic or should I never settle for anything but the above? I am so confused about this :/
Thanks for reading the rambling and any advice, negative or positive, is welcome!
What actually counts as a breakup? Obviously if you’ve been on one date, that doesn’t count. Obviously if you’re official that does. Does anything in the middle “count” in your opinion?
I’m not looking for anything serious right now and reconnected with someone from my tinder era 8 years ago. Back then he was dragging his feet about meeting so we never did and it fizzled out.
Now he reached out again, the conversation was kind of nice and flowed well, then one evening he was way over the top with sexual comments and unresponsive at the same time (maybe he was drunk idk)? I proposed a meeting because I hate texting without a plan to meet up. He, surprisingly, acted weird and flaky again. Maybe there shouldn’t be second chances. 🙄
Not dating related but my friends went out and did something without inviting me which hurt my feelings, and then I tried to talk to my mom about it and she made it about her and said I cancel on her a lot so maybe that’s why they didn’t invite me. I’ve never cancelled on these friends and the last time I cancelled on my mom it was because I was sick. I hate people. I’m going to do some self care for myself tonight and try not to give a fuck about what my friends or my mom does or says.
Winded down my last date of this series of me trying the last few months, last night.
Situations. Dragged out conversations over multiple vacations, that amounted to nothing. Friend zoned 3 times. Ghosted once.
I am actually excited as dating hasn’t been healthy for me. Instead of going to the gym I’m going to HH. Instead of going for a run in the morning, I’m recovering from a night out or going on a coffee date. I miss my routine and am returning to it. I need to stop prioritizing meeting someone over myself. I think I met maybe 1 person in this span that could’ve maybe been something. Countless amount of time swiping. Probably spent 2 or 3 hundred bux to swipe or on boosts. The rest of my dates have just been complete misses.
I want out for awhile until I feel like I can safely incorporate it again, and when I feel better about my physical appearance. I’ve gained back the weight I lost when not dating or about 15 pounds. I’ve kept some activity up but not the rate as I was before. I’m cutting out booze and nights out this Labor Day weekend. Resting and recuperating. ❤️🩹
Ok, I’m done with my rom com watchathon for now. I have one more to watch (Palm Springs) and I’m gonna take a break.
So, what valuable and life altering lessons have I took from all this? None. Absolutely none. It’s all a lie!! Don’t believe what you see, people!! Big Rom Com is trying to sell you a dream!
I will return at some point. But I feel like I have to cleanse my palate with some violent, cynical horror movies. Just to bring some equilibrium to my life.
I’m feeling a bit of a sex pest and I don’t know what to do. I asked him if I’m too much, I was a bit taken aback when he said he was every few days kind of man. But then said how he was in a dead bedroom before and unhappy meh
**Will I be a fool for ending things with my partner who I believe would create a great home and family, but would limit my ability to live to my fullest potential in life?**
Perhaps my fear of not living a full and to my potential life is debilitating me and will make me lose a good partner. I’m 35 and have been dating my partner, who’s 31, for 6 months. At my core, I value emotional connection, learning new things, achieving as a couple, and building a strong community. My partner is one of the most caring, sensitive, fun, and communal people I know. However, I’m getting older and thinking about engagement, but I’m worried that a life with them might keep me comforted but also hold me back.
Three things are blocking me:
1. **They don’t seize life—they let it happen to them.** For example, if they’re rejected for a job interview, they just shrug it off as ‘not meant to be.’ They give up easily — except when it comes to solving emotional or peoply dynamics problems. Or even when we travel, they have 0 ideas or itching curiosities to see new knowledge, experiences and cool feats of mankind
2. **They have a poor memory.** They often forget calendar events, names, and even details about my life that I’ve shared with them, and details in conversation with others
3. **They lack practical observational and inference skills.** For instance, they miss menu details, don’t understand how to order at places, completely miss clear sign rules and more
Because of these issues, I don’t feel motivated by them; instead, I feel lazier when we’re together. I find myself worrying more, having to compensate for their logic/memory shortcomings, and using a lot of mental energy to stay vigilant. In my ideal relationship, I would be with someone who is not only caring but also sharp and organized. However, at my age, it’s hard to find someone who embodies both qualities. I know this sounds judgmental, but I want to search for a partner who commits 100% to whatever they do and still is so emotionally patient and caring. I’m planning to end things this week. For those who’ve been in a similar situation and made a similar or different choice, how did it turn out for you? Did you worry about having kids with someone who had a few core characteristics that worries you?
I just got a like from a guy who, in a profile photo, is shirtless but wearing 70s serial killer glasses, a bondage harness, and a neckerchief while appearing to be tied up and holding a burrito.
I just. Wow. I was not expecting this, yet somehow it is the most San Francisco thing I have ever seen.
Been going on dates with someone for about three months now, meeting once (and sometimes twice) a week. She works multiple jobs and rarely has a day off and works long hours, so communicating outside of the dates can be tricky and actually organising stuff is hard. However when we’re together it’s honestly amazing, this is the first person is two years that I’ve felt this much of a connection with. She’s also said that she cares about me, would be sad if she didn’t see me again, etc, but that it takes a long time for her to get a point where she’s ready for a committed relationship.
The problem? We had a fantastic date on Tuesday but when I was walking her home she clearly hit horizon zero on energy. She didn’t respond to my text on Wednesday but sent me a voice note where she founded awful, low energy, and saying she’s hit peak burnout from her work. I’ve been supportive over text but since then I’ve heard *very* little from her. She sent a one line question to a text this morning, then “reacted” to one of three texts later but ignored a “how’s your day” and “when you free next week, my diary is filling up”. Tomorrow is the first day she’s had off in weeks and she’s going to spend it at home resting while I’m out in the highlands.
So I’m kind of torn because in many ways it feels like a slow fade: she’s posted loads of stories on Instagram, when she’s responded it’s been extremely low effort, texting habits have changed completely. At the same time I’m kicking myself for thinking it because of how bad she’s sounded recently, she’s clearly been struggling, etc. I’ve resolved to just let her come to me but I like clarity for these things: unfortunately you can’t ask for clarity because if someone is slow fading it’s over anyway/messaging about it won’t change that but also if I ask for clarity and she’s not slow fading then I just sound clingy when she’s genuinely feeling very low-energy.
Either way there’s only one way to find out, and that’s to wait it out.
Wow well I had a crush on a guy a while ago, and he moved away and nothing ended up happening, but I found out from a friend that both she and another girl had a crush on the same guy and the other girl was now dating him.
So, at first I felt kind of bad that I clearly had no chance with this guy, but he’s actually back in town right now and my friend just gave me ALL the tea about him. I now feel like I massively dodged a bullet 😳 he was definitely leading her on to the point where people were asking if she was in a throuple with him and the other girl, and is now completely gaslighting her refusing to acknowledge that any of it ever happened.
That said a lot of the behaviors she mentioned are things that have also been veryyy familiar to me, definitely my type of person – very charming, witty, comes across as very sensitive and emotionally mature and caring up front, but then when you get closer to them, they start taking you for granted in many different ways and slowly devaluing you and you realize the sensitivity is actually self-centered. It’s frustrating because every time I convince myself it’s going to be different this time and the bad behaviors don’t show up until you actually get close enough to the person to see them, at which point I’m attached enough to get hurt.
All that said, I have not always been the person that people go to when they need to have an emotional vent conversation, and I feel happy that she was comfortable talking to me about it! She’s one of the healthier friendships in my life currently and it’s nice to have that.
Deleted all my profile and all my apps. Now that summer break is over, I don’t have it in me. But I think next summer I’ll want to date more intentionally.
I am still talking to my old friend who I matched with. It’s nice, a little flirty but no expectations or pressure. No daily texting or good morning. And he always texts back. Just nice, fun banter. We are finally going to see each other each other next week, it’s been about 8 years. And I’m genuinely enjoying just talking and being friends. And not worried about whether it will turn into something. I love how upfront he was about where he’s at emotionally and it’s nice just to have a little crush. Nice background for the craziness of back to school and my own kid starting kindergarten and all the stress that goes along with that.
I feel like between the dates I did have and honestly some advice on here, I really learned a lot and have adjusted my thinking. I’m in a better place emotionally and completely over my ex and next summer I’ll really be open to meeting someone. And who knows, soemthing could pop up. Just won’t be on any apps.
I was in a very long relationship for most of my twenties with someone whose father was diagnosed with severely aggressive ALS about six months before we met. I supported my then-boyfriend as best as I could during his father’s decline and eventual death, but I’ve always felt like I could have or should have done something more / something else. There were a lot of unique quirks to the relationship, including the fact that we were long distance for most of it (for example, he graduated from undergrad when we had been together for about six months and moved to the east coast; I graduated a year later and moved to the west coast). But setting those additional complexities aside, I still felt like I failed to show up for him the right way, even though he never gave any indication that was the case.
Flash forward to now. I’m very nervous because The Diplomat’s father had a long-awaited pet scan yesterday to assess the effect of radiotherapy and immunotherapy over the last 8-10 months on metastatic colon-to-liver cancer.
Hopefully they won’t have to wait long to find out the results – they could be in as early as Monday (which is just another day in Italy since Labor Day isn’t a thing there). I have no idea what the odds are that it has been as effective as they’ve hoped, and while I’m pleading with the universe for good news, I’m also aware that there is a possibility it will be neutral or even bad news.
I’ve asked him how I can beat support him during this time, and he said that I’m already doing it by just being here for him to listen, offer comfort, and simply be present for him. I privately feel like I should be doing more, but maybe that is selfish and somehow making it about me?
Does anyone have any experience with something similar, and insight into how they acted / reacted / things they wish they had (or hadn’t) said or done when their partner received bad news about a parent’s health?
I’m so so tired. Just had another breakup from a short term relationship (4 months). After a certain amount of hearing “it’s not you it’s me” you have to start thinking statistically it probably is in fact me. I feel so unloveable.
Hinge match (39M 33F), vibe match… only to get “really not in a place where I can make plans” when I suggest a date. Realize 90% likely it’s just the polite brush off, but it’s always a downer to face plant like that. Tired of hearing from friends/family I’ll be a great husband/dad one day, just need to be patient, let fate work, etc.
I’d been having a pretty good run on Hinge lately until yesterday when some guy commented on my photo while trying to match me.
YOUR TATTOOS ARE SHIT
In all caps to really emphasise his point. Thanks, champ.
They’re not. And I don’t know what you’re trying to achieve here.
Matched with a guy, who I’d swiped left on a few times due to him identifying himself as an ‘intellectual’ in his profile; calling yourself intellectual, ‘smart’, or ‘sapiosexual’ is just a read flag for me. But after seeing his profile a few times I thought maybe I’m being too harsh, and matched with him. He messages me first and says ‘sorry I must’ve been drunk when I was swiping. moving soon so this probably won’t work’. Then why message me at all?? Reminds me of that weird pickup artist technique of insulting someone you’re interested in to lower their self-esteem.
Is there something wrong with me?
I need to vent about my recent Hinge experiences. I matched with two different people, and both times, things seemed promising… until they ghosted me after we made plans
Match 1: We chatted for a week, exchanged numbers, and agreed to meet for coffee. I sent a follow-up text to confirm, and… crickets. No response, no explanation.
Match 2: We had a great conversation, made plans for dinner, and even discussed specifics like time and location. Guess what? Same thing! No show, no text, no nothing.
I’m baffled and frustrated. What’s the point of making plans if you’re just going to disappear?
Ladies of DOT! How would you take it if the guy you’ve been talking to for over 2 months asked you if you would ever get a BBL?? I said nah, I’m scared Of going under the knife, he says you don’t have to, they do injections now. 😅😅
I’ve read on here about” oh God don’t put pics of you catching fish” But really fishing is super tranquil and being in nature around water is the best life.. it says alot about ones personality.. And women in those area where you can fish easy, post those pics too.. like alot! It’s better than a pic at the bar I think.
Notorious LDQ came to see me on my lunch break today. We got to make out a lil bit before I got back to the office 🖤
Cap’n wants to take LDQ fishing. Everything’s going swimmingly. Err except the Coho . . .
I put “Klingon” as my language on Hinge and laughed so hard about it. Here’s to hoping I can attract someone with my weird sense of humor.
I, 31M, didn’t see the 39F today. I’ll send her a message on Monday to wish her a good trip. I do think about her more often than I should.
For some reason, though, my group of friends, girls included, is figuring out who would be the best date for me from the group. The friend who knows mentioned the 39F because his girlfriend mentioned I should go out with what seems like her best friend here. I’m pretty flattered that they’re trying to help me out but we’ll see. In the meanwhile my female friend (should be 40F) who introduced me to them was for some reason super touchy with me today. I never thought of dating her as she did such a big favour to me but I really liked the vibe, I feel super comfortable around her.
What I’m sure of is that my relationship with women has improved a lot since I first started hanging out with them. I wasn’t uncomfortable before but now I feel pretty much at ease.
In all of this I should go out with them tomorrow and we’ll see what happens. My only fear right now is that things with my job are going south (supervisors have personal issues with me) and unemployment can change things for me in this sense. I saw it in the last relationship and I’m scared it’ll happen again.