hope this is the right place to ask this kind of question but I'm seeking insight or ways I can navigate some things better. I'll try my best to makes this short and to the point but here it goes – my boyfriend (41M) moved in with me (32F) a couple of months ago. we had met when we worked together and have been on this journey for 7 years so far. for the record I have my own place since I was 24. he continued to live with his parents until the day they sold their house and stated that he could help me. I'm financially independent, responsible, etc so I'm not looking for a man to take care of me or need any financial help. I had suggested maybe his parents rent the house to us for the time being so we could take that next step together. however, it was never discussed like he said it would before they'd make a final call and would continue to give me updates on his parents current move.
rewinding a bit, on the first of this year, a day after my birthday, I offered that he could stay with me rent free. he's not the best with money but instead of saying thank you, he got upset and said he'd rather stay out in his car, that previous people never split the space fairly so none of it would be his and he didn't get to pick it. it's in a good location in a quiet Northwest Suburb not far from Chicago. typically I would think couples would be talking all about moving in together, which gave me an uneasy feeling. I was going to be honest with him and say I wasn't ready, not that we couldn't do it but I wanted to know that we could handle any conflict in a healthy manner going forward if he were to stay with me.
it wasn't until his parents supposedly said don't concern yourself and don't I have a room, to which I was very taken back by. he then said he could stay with me and help me out or find another place/roommate. I'm not sure who he would room with because he told me he lost all his friends and all the people he used to talk to (which I had seen a text from a number I recognized one day that popped up as he was driving, he had gotten a new phone & number after breaking it a year prior so I was under the impression he had laid out boundaries with this particular female, but told me he can't control that. followed up with an apology that could've been more heartfelt). he also gave her his YouTube channel and she still watches him to this day but he thought I'd never find out so when I asked he said he had no idea.
I also was a bit unsettled to let him move in as well because he wanted to sing and play guitar. I live in a condo and have tried to be respectful to my neighbors below me so he didn't seem to be as considerate. so the day his parents put the house on the market, he wanted to bring his stuff over so his valuables and stuff he cares about wouldn't be at risk during the house showings. he also stayed with me a couple nights before so that they could prepare his room and house for the showings. a little insight – he always refused a sleepover if I invited him which was never fun getting blown off at the last minute too and if I asked to stay by him he'd say it was his parents place. so as this was happening very quickly, my grandma also passed away and I need some time to grieve and he knew that. but he would make statements like I know you don't want me here, which I told him is not true. anyway, he basically tells me his mom will pay me for the bed I have in my only other spare room. mind you I have not agreed for him to move in especially since he promised we'd talk about the house and if we couldn't make anything work then he could stay with me to help me financially.
so he gives me the update about the closing happening in a few days, asks if his parents can come over and he'd make them lunch before they officially take off to their new home in another state. in that same convo he mentioned he was planning on trading in his car since his parents cosigned for him and they wanted to figure that out. I said that all was cool with me and after his parents left that day he told me they gave him 10k as a cushion for us. I honestly didn't and don't want any part of that money and I'm not sure if he's been using it to pay me so far. I've had not so great experiences before with the person not holding up their end financially as far as rent so either way I can't wait complain. regardless, I wanted to discuss some things so we'd be on the same page together before he moved in. but he just told me he'd give me $100 a week and I asked if we could go over some things because I didn't want any unhealthy or toxic behaviors but all he had to say was I know how to be considerate.
fast forward, everything is good unless I bring something up. for example, I asked if we could use a wooden spoon on my pan but he said he likes his metal spatula and that's what he's going to use. I just didn't want my pans getting scratched and he said we could get new ones but then those will be scratches so I felt like I should just let it go. he also has a turtle that I asked if he could dump the dirty water in the tub and I would scrub it after instead of the toilet since I had issues with it leaking previously to my downstairs neighbors. ended up accidentally getting water on the floor and my neighbors knocked on my door. he said I'll do the talking, even though it's my place. he said I could up with him and after we came back up he followed up by saying my father should've chalked the toilet (my dad does plumbing/remodeling), to which I just wish he'd take accountability. I usually don't have that much water on the floor but I said it's ok we both didn't know and we're learning (always giving him benefit of the doubt and side with that I know he didn't mean to). I also requested that we close the blinds a bit when I open my grow tent just for privacy but he said it shouldn't matter and that he hates my blinds anyway. I tried to kindly say I just want to be able to suggest something like that and be heard out, he then twisted my words again and said I said something else and called me a liar. I was confusing like I'm trying to just have a discussion, but not making much headway. so he says how I wasted his night he just wanted to relax after work etc so he just goes to his room and I made dinner.
started to feel uneasy that I couldn't talk to him about certain things so the next day or so I kindly brought up that I wish we'd speak more respectfully to each other. I want to meet in the middle and be able to reason with him on certain things so we can come together on it and get an understanding. so I asked how I could better bring up something that is bothering me or any concern – he said Tuesday at 3pm (he leaves for work at 235). so I know he shot me down and felt I wasn't getting through. I said I'm trying to have healthy habits in this relationship and a therapist would ask constructive questions to help navigate this just like that but he said it's stupid that I asked, I'm not an adult just acting like a child, and that he can't believe I'm already planning something like that for the future. I felt totally misunderstood and misinterpreted. I feel like I can't defend myself so I just sit there quietly, kind of hurting while he continues to insult and call me names. he also makes a very angry face like he's disgusted with me and hits deep like there's no way to repair. he usually blows up then will come to me the next morning or so and pretend like nothing happened and still have to be affectionate even though I'm a bit shaken up.
bottom line is, i feel like the line is crossed with name calling and disrespectful words. all I have is love and respect for him, but it seems to all go out the window with him if there's ever the slightest bit of anything other than keeping the peace all the time. I know working through things is necessary and this isn't a healthy way but I'm trying to work on it so that it is but I can't do it alone. currently I plan to try therapy for myself so I can work through this better. not very relevant but I'm 4'11 and he's 6'0 so I get a bit scared if there's raised voices and rude name calling, it's hard to bounce back from. all I ask is to resolve and know how to simply do better for next time to avoid all the hurtful language.
TLDR: boyfriend of 7 years moved in to my condo after his parents sold their house. arguments have been on the toxic side and looking for a way to navigate so we can handle some things in a more mature & civil way.