27F here. Grew up in a conservative culture (Turkey) but I lived in a secular environment so I had 3 serious relationships before, and had sex with them. Now I’m engaged to someone who is a virgin (27M) and having major retroactive jealousy about my past.
I told him about my past from the beginning, he never told me anything bad about my personality, regarding to this. But he always felt super sad about this and it made me feel very bad about my self worth. Well, he said some bad stuff maybe but I don’t want to accept it because I love him… Anyways I told him he can find someone else if he wants to, but he was always very angry when I said that too, and we got engaged.
We still haven’t had sex but we’re trying to move forward. He is having erectile issues now, and he kinda blames my past about this. I can not take it anymore. I shouldn’t feel like I’m worthless or a very bad person I know that but I feel so so bad.
On top of all this I have a bad OCD and anxiety problem and I have ROCD so bad. Today he’s on vacation with his cousins, I was not invited which is weird for me because we’re engaged you know, so I feel bad about that too. I’m waiting for his messages all day.
I feel bad. I feel very bad I cannot take it anymore. How should I behave? I should stop behaving like I’m worthless I know but how can I do it? I worked all my life I have a great job, pursuing my PhD in computer engineering, I think I’m a nice person and whatever I don’t know, I read a lot of books i work out I try to make myself better every day, but I feel extremely worthless right now.