Hey everyone, 28M here. As the title suggests, I am considering breaking off my engagement to my fiancée (27F), who I have been engaged to for 9 months and started dating almost 5 years ago. I’ve been unhappy in this relationship for several years now but have not been able to muster to courage to break it off. I feel like I’ve tried everything to keep the relationship alive and to rekindle my love for her, but nothing has worked and here I am now, posting this online to complete strangers.
Some days are fine, but most days are difficult. I am at the point where I resent my fiancée, am not happy, and have long since fallen out of love with her. The first 6 months or so of the relationship were genuinely great; I felt that she was a great match and that she would be a good future wife, however it is clear in retrospect that this honeymoon phase was not destined to last.
We’ve come close to breaking up several times now, but it never got to that point. We have sex once a week, if that, which makes me feel that she is not sexually attracted to me (despite her statements to the contrary). She talks a lot and requires more attention that I’m inclined to provide, and I find this annoying. On my commute home from work, I sometimes start to dread seeing her when I walk through the door. While I will occasionally miss her when we are apart, oftentimes I feel great being away from her and almost always become a bit depressed when returning home. I’m sexually attracted to her, but I do feel as if there is an attractiveness disparity and that I am definitely regarded as the “settler” in the relationship.
The reason for my hesitance is because (1) she is a nice girl who I believe cares for me, (2) I love her family and she loves mine, (3) we have a dog together [who I love very much], (4) have joint finances and a shared apartment, and (5) because she does not have many friends and would probably take the breakup very poorly, to the point where I’d worry for her well-being if I were to break things off with her.
I was in a similar situation in my previous relationship; I was unhappy for years and felt great when things ended. I just would feel so guilty breaking off an engagement when we have already sent out save-the-dates, have booked a venue, etc. I feel that the wedding being called off would ruin my fiancee’s life and while I am not in love with her, I do wish her the best and would hate for her to be unable to emotionally recover from the trauma of all of this.
I’d love to hear the perspectives of anyone who has been in a similar situation; how the breakup went for you, how you dealt with the guilt, how you went about separating finances, pets, and living space, and what your love life has looked like since breaking things off.
We’re actually on an international vacation right now, and because it’s just the two of us all of the issues with the relationship are making themselves apparent.
Thanks for any insight you may have!