My husband(29m) and I(23f) got married on May 6th. It was just us at a courthouse, and we haven’t told our families yet since they’re currently planning his other brother’s wedding.
We’ve had issues like most couples prior to getting married, but everything is amplified now.
My husband has been telling me I’m lazy, I don’t do enough, I don’t say anything of substance, and other things he’s NEVER told me in the past 5 & 1/2 years of our relationship. He was also being told at work he was getting a promotion in June, which his work just took from him for no reason other than “ we want to explore all of our options for the position”.
This has been causing us a LOT of problems, he doesn’t like how his work is treating him and now he’s bring his anger home and is starting to treat me rather poor. I tried to bring this up with him today, and we got into a massive argument which ended in me screaming “I regret marrying you, you’ve treated me like shit since May 6th and I regret it”.
I locked myself in the bathroom and said sorry after I calmed down. He said he was sorry too but I know we’re both hurting rn.
How can we repair this? I feel so far away from him emotionally, like I can’t even be vulnerable with him right now.
Tl;dr- Husband has been acting different since we got married, but is also having work issues that are affecting our home life. How can we fix this?
41 comments
You were dating a 23 year old at 16… I don’t know why yinz got married in the first place if you were having issues beforehand. Most people I know who have had problems right after they immediately got married got divorced because those problems never resolved.
Anything you think he could gain by marrying you? The way you describe it, it’s as if he almost purposely waited until you became legally bound until he decided to tell you what he’s actually been thinking of for a long time.
By chance was the marriage something you really wanted and brought up alot?
6 years? You were 17 and he was 23 thats not great, but other than thathe is showing you who he is believe him, he may be trying to figure out what he can get away with or he may feel that he owns you now. Either way you should probubly leave him, and if you live in an at fault state record some of what he says to you.
And… there’s the real version of himself.
Sounds like your husband is a piece of shit.
But you probably didn’t know that by how he was preying on you at your vulnerable, young age.
Now that you do know it, time to make some decisions.
Get the marriage annulled and run.
Bruh annul that shit and move on. Lmao he was clearly lying to you and think now that you’ve tied the know he can be a POS.
Repair? You will not be able to repair with somebody who isn’t trying to repair with you. One person can’t repair & rebuild, it takes both.
How is he going to repair when he is actively mistreating you?
Until at the minimum he is providing an authentic apology, accountability/ownership of what he’s sorry for/doing wrong aka being verbally abusive, and comes forth with a game plan on how this behavior is going to change. How is he going to repair with that being the minimum?
You can’t control what he does, you can control what you do. First step is to protect yourself with boundaries. He insults you? Remind him that you will not tolerate being spoken to that way. He persist? Exit the conversation/disengage, do not enable his behavior. You need to stand up for yourself and he needs a desire to change which doesn’t appear to be currently present.
Sounds like an annulment
Hey, I’m sorry this is happening to you. Some people are like this. Some show their true colors after a time in a relationship. Some reveal themselves when they’re married.
My mom experienced this with his first husband. He never complained about my mom smoking habits, and he even liked it. But suddenly when they married he said like “Now we’re married, you have to stop smoking” and then tried to control a lot of different things and he changed after the marriage.
That’s what my mother told me and that’s why divorced.
And people do this because it often works. The partner brushes it off as something external. Work issues, stress, etc, but everything ends in abuse.
This is not healthy.
You’re young. Do you want to be your whole life with someone that treats you like this? This is not love or companionship, not even friendship.
I don’t know anyone who would treat their friends like this, much less their partners.
This is a classic pattern that happens in abusive relationships. The abuser pretends to be someone they’re not… ie loving, nice, etc… then as soon as you’re married and they think you’re trapped the mask comes off. The age gap, the fact that you were a teenager and he was 23 is also a huge red flag. He picked someone he thought would be easy to trick and manipulate. It’s been only 3 weeks and he’s drastically changed I’d just annul the marriage, get out of there as fast as you can.
I wouldn’t be surprised if the real reason he lost that promotion is because the moment he thought he had it locked in, he started acting like a bastard at work. Just like the moment he thought he had YOU locked in, he started acting like a bastard at home.
This is a preview of what’s to come if you stay with him. Except it will get much worse.
Get the marriage annulled, make it like it never happened. And take your stuff and leave him.
*We’ve had issues like most couples prior to getting married*
Got bad news for you homie, it’s not most couples.
You see that said here a lot because, y’know, they’re usually in a shitty relationship and need the advice of internet strangers to point it out to them.
If you’re both sorry, you should be able to revisit the conversation without it turning into another argument.
ANNULMENT. This is how abusers work. They lock you in, and the mask comes off. Trust what he is showing you: the rude, mean, derogatory behavior will escalate. Run for the hills madam. Run for your literal life.
Don’t repair it, repair your self esteem. Focus on you, and don’t let this man talk down to you. Let the last thing of no substance you say to him be “see ya”. You’ve got so much ahead of you, make a good choice.
> He said he was sorry too but I know we’re both hurting rn.
He’s not hurting. The mask has dropped and now you’re seeing the real him.
I bet there’s a damn good reason he got passed over for that promotion, too. Call a lawyer and get out of this before it gets worse.
the claws are out and the mask is off. Annul this marriage while you still can
Please please please please please don’t get pregnant.
The reddit stock answer/advice will suffice for your problem here.
Leave him.. Seek therapy….
Don’t pay more into the sunk-cost fallacy.
Annul and run.
Annul and run.
Annul and run.
Unfortunately, some abusers play the long game, and wait until you are trapped by marriage, mortgage, or baby before showing their true colours. He’s shown when the tough gets going, you are going to be his emotional punching bag.
You cannot fix this. Leave. Get the marriage annulled.
It must be such a relief to lock you down after all this time. He can finally be who he is. This is only getting worse. I’d get the marriage annulled… see a family law lawyer and talk over your next steps. This relationship is over.
You don’t repair this, you get an annulment. This guy has been grooming you since you were a teenager. There’s nothing normal about this situation.
You don’t repair this, he’s showing you his true colours now because he thinks he’s got you tied down. Annul the marriage. I’m so so sorry.
Get a solicitor. You’re far too young to be tied to that shit!
Run. And for the love of God, close your legs. If he thinks that you are leaving, he will apologise and act nice for a while. That’s when you get baby trapped.
Run
your husband assumes that you will be with him under any circumstances. He thinks that he already won, that he no longer needs to make more effort in the relationship. You should prove him wrong. We should NEVER take it for granted that someone will be with us effortlessly.
As much as I am married, I would never take it for granted that my wife is going to be with me without doing anything for the relationship. I want her to choose to continue living with me every day, I want her to think every day that being with me is the right decision.
A key thing you should know is that abusers are very strategic and tailor their abuse to the amount they judge they can get away with. What this means is that the more confident they are that their abuse victim won’t leave them, the more abusive they get. And such escalations in abusive behavior thus predictably happen at identifiable points. These points are:
1) when you move in together
2) when you marry
3) when the abuser gains financial control over their victim, such as by having them quit/lose their job
4) when a pregnancy happens (sometimes they accelerate this with birth control sabotage to cause unwanted pregnancy)
5) after child birth
6) after the abuser is successful at severing the abuse victim’s support network, like by alienating them from their friends and family or moving them to a new part of the world
Abusers who seemed like great people before one or more of the above points, can turn into a completely different person afterwards. You see, the part that came earlier was “love bombing,” where they charmed their victim in order to bind them to them. Once they become confident that the person is bound to them, then they can start getting down to their real self, and what they really want from the person, which is to abuse and control.
PLEASE get out NOW! It is abuse for him to be taking out his anger on you, regardless of the reason. It’s NOT coincidence that this all escalated after you married. This is supposed to be your honeymoon period, so it’s a very bad sign that it’s instead a ramping-up-of-abuse period.
So.. you’ve been together for….. 5.5 years. You’re currently 23. That makes you.. what.. 16 ? when the two of you started dating? Which means you were either 15 or 16 when the two of you Met.
WTEverLovinFuck was a guy in College – ready to Graduate from College – doing dating a kid still in high school? And BARELY STARTED HIGH SCHOOL AT THAT!
He groomed you, m’dear, so that when you got married you would have no personality outside of what he dictated to you. He was a fucking Pedo while the two of you were “dating.” Talk to a lawyer – do NOT tell him you are doing so. Find out from the Lawyer whether you can file for an Annulment, or will have to go through a full Divorce proceeding. Either way, do which ever the lawyer says is most likely to work.
You were 17 and he was 23 when you got together. That was all I needed to know. You don’t repair it. You leave.
**When people show you who they are believe them.**
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> I don’t say anything of substance,
I’d have my bags packed so fucking fast his head would spin.
It will only get worse. We only know your side of the situation.
Maybe you need a mediator?
He’s just mad cause you’re not 17 anymore.
If this is how he handles stress and disappointment, you are in for a world of hurt if you stay. You can go nothing. He needs therapy to learn how to deal with life’s disappointments. You are under no obligation to stay while he fixes it and I suggest you don’t.
Leave. Don’t stick around. I’m 4 years into a marriage with someone just like this.
You can do better.
He needs to expend his emotions on the topic that created them. No one has a right to treat others like crap just because they are being treated like crap. If this is the case, he needs to start working on leaving his company.
Do you want to repair it ? This isn’t what being newlyweds should be like . I was with my husband 5 years before we got married and every day since we got married things get better.
You can expect better for yourself than this. Take care 😊
RUN. Trust me. The REAL guy you married is showing himself now that he’s got you locked in with marriage. This is what abusers do. His good behavior is wearing off. I don’t recommend marriage counseling. Abusers use counseling to get dirt on you and find out your triggers so they can exploit them. You’re only a few weeks into this marriage. Get out now. File for divorce. DO NOT GET PREGNANT! Having a baby will 100% make things worse, not better. I watched this happen to a friend of mine and she’s still trying to get rid of her ex 7 years later but there’s a kid involved so she’s stuck having to deal with him forever. It’s a nightmare. Just get out before he dials up the abuse. You didn’t do anything wrong. He duped you. You deserve better.
Fuck me, the answer is always dump them on this page. You dont kill something because its hurt. You at least TRY healing first.
Do you all just get divorced/break up as soon as you hit a rough patch?
This is someones life here